Nobody's fool

I know what you're doing.

You are not fooling me with your super amazing gluten free peanut butter biscuits that Grandpa made just for me, and that you just covered with actual peanut butter and are about to bring to me. I mean, those are really, Really, REALLY great biscuits, so you should go ahead and bring them over already!!! I am laying on the food bed, so you will know that I'm being my best and should get food right away, the fastest!!! But you are not fooling me.

I know you are going to be the meanest to me again. I saw you pull it out before - the stuff that makes my back sting and burn the worst. And when you saw me see you, you put it down so I wouldn't run away. And that's when you went to the biscuits, like that's what all of this was all about. But I saw that you didn't put it away, so you are not fooling me.

And you're making me wait like the two things aren't about each other. But why else would you be getting out two (TWO!!!) biscuits! And I know they are going to taste SOOOOO GOOD!!! So I want them SOOOO BAD!!!! And I know you only give me food when I lay here the longest, so I'm laying here. I'm being the best layer that every laid. But I'm not fooled. I can hear you opening the other stuff. I know what's coming next.

But I love (LOVE SOOOOO MUCH) those biscuits! And I love (LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!) peanut butter! So lets just do this already. I'm on the food bed, and I'm waiting SUPER patiently. So go ahead and be your meanest to me... make me sting and burn all down my back... just don't forget to bring those biscuits! I'm not doing this for nothing.

Nothing at all

You know what makes me happy? Nothing.

Nothing can make me the happiest there is... Like sunlight! Sunlight isn't any thing. But you can watch it come into your house and move around. And you can sit in it and get warm. And sometimes it can play hide from you - and then you can look for it and then find it... and that is THE BEST!

And like the smell from the garbage! Garbage is a thing, but the smell isn't. And what it isn't is THE BEST! Because it can be so complex, subtle, and strong at the same time! The smells are like the garbage talking to you and saying the smartest things you ever heard. And the last thing they always say is, "Now come and get me out of here!" So you have to do that, too.

And people coming into my house is the BEST best no thing of all! People are also things, but what they do isn't. And when they come to my house I get the most excited, because I always love (LOVE!!) people so much!!! It is because people always love me the MOST! And they pet me and talk to me in words I don't understand, and then we can have a party, and I think maybe they will give me food... And I know that food is a thing, but I love it anyway.

So if you're not doing anything right now, you can come over and play with me... And don't forget, that you can always bring me food, because I LOVE it and you the MOST! And also love isn't a thing, but it IS the no-thing that makes me the happiest of all.

You done with that?

I am ALWAYS hungry.

There is no time in the day when I do not want more food. So when you ask me, "Do you want your breakfast now?" The answer is YES! And when you ask me, "Do you want your dinner now?" The answer is YES!! And if you are eating food and you ask me, "Oh Nima, what brings you down here? Do you want some of my food?" The answer is also and always YES!!!

It doesn't matter if you just fed me. It wasn't enough. You didn't put anywhere near enough food in my bowl. That's why I came right back to you after I finished it. I'm not licking your leg to say thanks. I am still hungry -- don't give me your, "You're welcomes." I can't eat them. I want more food. What have you got there? Can I have it?

You say you gave me enough food because I am the right weight for me. But you are wrong. The right weight for me HAS to be way more than this. And why do you get to decide my right weight?! I don't even know what weight is, so why should I have to have a right one? Is your weight more than mine? You are getting more food than me. Maybe I should have your weight and you should try having mine. Then we'll see who is hungry all the time.

This is not a game. If you put your plate on that low table and walk away, you will find out that I am still hungry and you should have fed me more when I licked your leg. If you look away for just one second, I will eat your food. I will take that chip, dripping with salsa right out of your hand. If you fall on the ground grabbing your arm and your chest and scream out loud, I would jump back, because that would be scary. Then I would walk over and eat ALL of your food. And then I would lick your face, because you left a little something right there.

You're welcome.

Santa's puzzle

What does this look like to you?

It looks like a toy to me. It was a gift for me, and I already knew it was going to be a toy before it even came out of its bag. But it is not a right toy... somehow.

Because, when I got it I did just what you're supposed to do with a new toy... I grabbed it the hardest in my mouth and waited for the squeak to go into my ears and tell me to bite it apart! But it didn't say anything to me. Nothing went in my ears at all! It was different already. So then I was going to try to bite it again because maybe I did it wrong... Maybe I wasn't paying attention to it the right way when I did it at first. And I opened my mouth to bite down on it again... and it cried.

It cried SO sad that it made my heart love it and it made me want to take care of it! What kind of toy is THAT??!! It had to be a mistake!! I jumped up and I stepped on it!! And it still didn't squeak the right way... It didn't make any sound at all... until I took my paw off of it and then it cried again - just like a real cry. It even made me cry! My heart hurts the MOST with love! For a toy?! That I love the MOST now.

And now I want to keep it clean and safe and make sure that it is okay and not hungry or cold or lonely or scared or being eaten by any other animals that will try to come into my house and eat it. Because I love (LOVE!) it the MOST inside my heart.

I just don't know why.

Santa

So this Santa guy comes and just gives us stuff we want? Stuff we really, actually want? For free. Wait... what's the catch! There has to be a catch!!

No catch? Except that I need to be asleep... And he knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake. Okay, that's a little creepy. But if it's stuff I REALLY want maybe it's worth it.

Okay, I'm sleeping!

Come on, already! My head is down, my eyes are closed. I know you're looking... Seriously, where the fuck is my stuff.

Looking down

I can tell you're looking down on me, but you really shouldn't... unless you're really just looking down at me because I'm shorter than you. You kind of have to look down at me because of that.

But if you're looking down on me because I eat food off the street, then don't. I find lots of great fresh foods on my walks all the time! As soon as I step out of the house I start sniffing and I find food under my feet right away the fastest! And I keep finding more food the more I walk!! You spend hours in the food-room then come out with just one meal. Really... One meal?!

And if you're looking down on me because I'm stinky, then don't. Because, I'm not stinky. I just smell strongly -- And more than that, I smell proudly! I rolled in the BEST wet-park-dirt three different times this month, so I've had the best smell-name I've had in a long, long time!! In the meantime, you covered yourself in weak-soap-and-flower-smells every day! Seriously?! Soap AND flowers??!!

And if you're looking down on me because I'm licking your big, flat paws, then don't. Your paws are the ones that need a serious cleaning. You keep them in those socks and shoes ALL DAY LONG! What did you think was going to happen? Sniff these paws of yours!! I mean, if I had paws that smelled like yours I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

So you really shouldn't look down on me. Unless you're really just looking down at me while I lick your paws. You kind of have to look down at me then.

Think about it

I know, I can't sleep either. And I just keep thinking about it.

I keep thinking I must have forgotten something, but I can't figure out what it is.

I set up the baby-room nest just the way I wanted to... Except for all the giant leaves I need to bring in and chew up. But those should be fresh, so I can't start that yet.

And I'm making sure to wake Mom and Dad up in the middle of the night every few nights, so that they'll be ready when the baby gets here. Dad's getting really good at jumping WAY high out of bed as soon as I start howling the loudest! But tonight is not the night for doing that.

And I even tested Mom and Dad the hardest last night by making like I was sick THE MOST! Mom is getting to be the BEST at waking up when I start to make my sick sounds. And Dad took me right outside to watch me eat grass and walk around the neighborhood until I couldn't make it look like I was sick anymore. So I did that already.

Eat, drink, pee, poop, sleep, drink some more, pee again, poop again, eat again, sleep some more, howl into the closet for no reason that Mom and Dad can figure out, then go back to sleep... All done, already!! Except that I'm not going back to sleep... I'm messing it up for no reason at all! And instead of going back to sleep, I just keep thinking about it.