Doggie tricks

I've been working really hard to put together the best (THE BEST!!) blog a doggie ever put together. I mean Dad's been helpful, but mostly it's me. I have to think up ALL the words and all Dad does is tap them into his tapbox. Sometimes he and Mom take pictures of me and some of them can go in my blog too. But sometimes I think they're playing tricks on me, because they know something I haven't told you yet. They know I can't read. So I need you to tell me when they're playing tricks on me - like the time when they took these pictures of me with this sign.

Do you know what this says? Mom and Dad won't tell me.

Seriously. What does this say??

This is the WORST! I can't read, so I don't know what this says!!

Are you staring at me now because you know I can't read?

I don't see you staring at me. I. Don't. See. You.

Okay fine! I see you. Just tell me what it says! Are they pulling a trick on me?

Time Upstairs

Upstairs!

That is my favorite word, because when Mom or Dad say it that is where we go, and Upstairs is THE BEST place in my house! It is where my best bed I can be in lives and it is where my upstairs balcony is and so it is also the best way to get to the other side of my house, where I can visit Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen. I wish we would all live up there more the most! And even after those men finished changing my balcony without really changing it, it is where I love to sit in the sun the most! It has places for Moms and Dads to sit, and lots of room for a doggie to lay down. And best of all, I can see my whole neighborhood the best from up there!

And I don't wait for peanut butter to tell me I should go up there. I go up there all the time whenever I can! I like to sleep on the bed, and on the floor, and on the balcony, and on the balcony on the other side of my house! Basically, it is where I like to sleep the most. But it is still better when Mom or Dad say Upstairs, because then they are coming with me too. And even though they waste so much of their upstairs time tapping on their tap boxes instead of sleeping, I still like having them up there too. Because then my pack is together the most.

If I could I would live up there ALL OF THE TIME! I would come down only when I had to eat, or pee, or poop, or take Mom or Dad on our walk. I would also come down when it was time to go to the park or to Doggie Goddess, because those places are still so much the most fun! Oh and I would come down if we were going to go to the beach that I can be on that is near Santa Monica, or to go on a fast walk with Mom or Dad, or to the place with all of the doggie foods and toys, because I love (LOVE) all of those places too. And I would come down to get water. I forgot about water. So I would live upstairs ALL OF THE TIME if I could, except for all of those other times.

Day off

There's a man on my balcony. He's here to change it.

For a bunch of days now, people have been coming to my house and changing it. They throw wood and metal things onto my house and make loud banging sounds that I hate (HATE!!!) so much! So far they are putting new parts on it and then putting colors on them to make them look more like the balcony that was already here. There was nothing wrong with my balcony before. And so far it looks like there will be almost nothing different about it when they leave. It will just be different in some way that makes them feel better because they changed it.

I told you before how doggies and people are different because doggies live with what we find and people change what they live with. And it seems like that is one thing that will never change. Because here are people who don't even live here changing my house without really changing it. And instead being at my house changing mostly nothing, they could be somewhere else changing things that people or doggies really need - like things that help everyone play more, or spend more time with their packs, or go back to sleep. And my point is that if you are the man changing my house, then you should just take a day off and stop all those loud banging sounds!

Advice Doggie

Because I'm a doggie, people talk about a lot of things around me. I hear people giving bad advice, or making an observation about life that sounds good, but is really just wrong or stupid. Since you read my blog, I love you the MOST! So I'm going to make sure you get some good advice for once.

• Why put off to tomorrow, what you can do today? This is an annoying question people ask because they don't want to do something, but they think they have to do it anyway. Or worse, someone who is next to you asks you this question when you're trying hard to come up with a reason NOT to do something that you don't want to do. The truth is you should just do it or don't do it. It doesn't matter. It's all the talking and thinking about it that is the worst! You should just cut that out right now!
• You should take life one day at a time. This one is true, but it is just a dumb thing to say, because you don't have a choice. When was the last time you lived two days at the same time? It can't be done. So my advice is to never say this to anyone because you just sound like an idiot.
• Live each day as if it were your last. This one sounds kind of like the last one but it is worse, because it is both wrong and really bad advice. If this were your last day, would you go to sleep at night? Probably not. Would you work so that you would have food tomorrow? No way. If you ran into someone who pisses you off, would you bite them? Yes, you would. You would bite them really, really hard. Then the next day would come and you would be sleepy, and hungry, and locked up for biting someone. What you should do is live each day and try not to bite anyone if you can help it.
• The best things in life are free. Wrong. Everything costs you something. Sunshine is free and it is great. But if you get too much of it you can get cancer or if you're a plant you can dry up and die. So you end up paying for all of that sunshine in the end. Playing all day with your friends is the best and can be free too. Except that you could also be out working to get food or to find a safe place to sleep, so if you play too much you pay the price for that too. So I say the best things in life are the ones you earn. That way you already paid for them and then you can just enjoy them.
• Barking dogs seldom bite. This is GREAT advice, if you want to get bit by a doggie. For everyone else it is Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. No means no even if it is said by an doggie... Especially if it is said by an doggie!! If you messed with a doggie who was barking at you, you are an idiot and she is probably barking at you because you told her to live life one day at a time. And if a doggie is barking at you, it is because she is now living like it could be the last day of her life. Do not piss off a barking dog.

Secret Party

I went to a secret party!

Yesterday I went to Doggie Goddess and it was AMAZING! I don't know how they pack in so much fun EVERY SINGLE TIME I go there... But they do! In the morning, BigFunGuy came to pick me up. I saw his doggie-filled car from my downstairs balcony and I was happy right away! SOOOO HAPPY!!! And I ran to the front wall-way of my house and barked at him, so that he wouldn't get lost and forget where to find me. He always found me before, but he is a person, so you can never be too careful! And then he came in and I ran under the table because I wanted to play with him already! HE IS SOOOO FUN!!! But I forgot that Mom was there and she likes to play too. She grabbed me right away, so she won. And she gave me to BigFunGuy and we went to Doggie Goddess. And I already told you about how I have the most fun there, so I won't tell you again now, except to say that IT IS ALWAYS SO MUCH FUN!!!

And I always come home SO TIRED! I was home before Mom and Dad and BigFunGuy put me in the downstairs. And it didn't matter, because I just wanted to sleep SO MUCH! And when Mom and Dad came home I just walked past them up to the best bed in the house that I can be in to go back to sleep. I was SO SLEEPY!!

But not so sleepy that I couldn't eat dinner. And soon I heard Dad making my dinner in the dinner bowl, and then he and Mom did something wrong for them. They gave me dinner AND peanut butter (which is THE BEST -- that is NEVER wrong!) and then they gave it to me AND THEN THEY LEFT MY HOUSE! And peanut butter never told me to go "DOWNSTAIRS!" So they didn't put me in the downstairs before they left. And then I was all alone and not in the downstairs!

It was confusing and scary! I mean not so scary I couldn't finish my dinner and eat all of my peanut butter up right away. But it was scary when I was all done and I was still alone! So I ran around everywhere to look for them. First I looked in the food room. And I went all the way in the back to look in the pantry, but it was closed so I couldn't look in there. And then I went to look in the garbage, but that was pushed too far back for me to get in to. So then I ran all the way upstairs and saw that the see-through-wall-way to my upstairs balcony was open. Maybe they went out there? I went outside and over to check the other side of my house.

And that's when I saw that Uncle Zak and Uncle Corey were having a party on the other side of my house. And I wanted to be in the party, but the breath-through wall-way was closed. So I started singing my sad-bark song... and it worked!! Uncle Zak came and let me in! And I ran right in and I jumped up on the bed so that I could be on it before Uncle Zak tells me I can't be on it anymore. Which he did right away, so it was good I jumped up on it first. And then I went downstairs to play with Uncle Zak and Uncle Corey the most! And I sniffed the whole house because it's been a while since I was on this side of my house. And I found the funnest ball of something that is soft like socks but doesn't look like it would go on any person's feet I've ever seen. And I brought it out so we could all play with it, but Uncle Zak didn't want to play with it, so I let him take it away.

And that is when I heard Mom and Dad coming back to the side of the house that they are usually on, so I ran right back over to tell them they should come to my party! And when they came in I crouched down and stuck my butt in the air so they would know that it is time to play RIGHT NOW!!! And Dad ran around the house and then upstairs and I followed him and I barked because he was being so fun! And I crouched again by the open see-through-wall-way so he would know where to come play.

But he didn't come. He went back downstairs. And I was confused for a second, but then I realized that he didn't know about the party because it was a secret party! And then I heard Auntie Kristen come into the secret party, and I smelled she brought food with her, so I went back to the party. But don't tell Mom and Dad that, because it is a secret too! And secret parties are only fun if you are in on the secret... which now you are so I hope you liked it too.

Bite sized

I LOVE BUGS!!

They are delicious, and crunchy, and they come in bite sizes, and they move around SO MUCH to make themselves the easiest to find! And there are so many (SO MANY!!!) different yummy kinds!

(Dad says you might think this part is kind of gross, so you might want to skip down to where I say you can read again.)

I love (LOVE SO MUCH!!!) the fat flying ones that pop all juicy in your mouth! They fly up against the window and tap it over and over again to make a sound just in case you didn't see them already. And I love the wiggly ones with so many legs. THEY HAVE SO MANY OF THEM!!! I don't chew them right away because I like it when they make my tongue tickle. But the ones I love the best of all are the ones that only fly outside. They are on the things that Dad calls flowers and they make a buzz sound so that you can find them easier. I can catch them out of the air just like a tennis ball! And they can also pop all juicy like the window-tap bugs. But if you wait just a second before you chew them, they make your tongue go spicy then a little numb. It is THE BEST!!! I want to know how they do that!

I also like to eat the really skinny ones with long legs that sit on the wall outside at night. Dad says they look like giant moes-key-toes, but I don't know what moes-key-toes are so I don't know about that. What I do know is that they are quiet and hard to find, so sometimes I try to eat something I think is them, but it is just a spot on the wall and not any kind of bug at all. I feel a little silly then because it is usually when Dad is taking me out to pee and I must look so silly for trying to eat a no-thing on the wall. But it is worth it. You would think that they don't taste like anything because they are so skinny, but they actually they are the sweetest tasting bugs of all.

Another kind of night bug I like is what Dad calls a moth. They are fuzzy and flutter in your mouth before you chew them. It tickles like many-legs, but in a bigger way. They are hard for me to catch by myself, because they usually fly too high for me. But sometimes they fall down when they want me to try to eat them and that's when I snap them right up! They don't have to ask me twice!!

One kind of bug I don't eat very often is what Dad calls a spider. They can be good too -- they are more salty than sweet. But they are harder to find because they don't make any noise and also don't move very much. I almost never see them where it is easy to see a bug. Maybe there just aren't very many of them. I also don't eat what Dad calls ants. They don't taste the best and most of the ones I find are too small to be worth it. They are not even bite sized for me. Maybe they are sized for tiny dogs to eat.

Bugs are the best because they are free treats that they do everything you want a treat to do. Sometimes they can even fly right into your mouth!

(Okay, if you're skipping my gross part, you can read the rest of here.)

And that is why I love bugs!! I just wish there were more in my house.

Slam Jam

At the park, doggies like to play rough (ruff!). We snarl and nip and mount each other, but mostly we make fun of each other and our owners (and sometimes cats, and always those fluffy-tailed douchebags). And I just figured out that you guys don't know any of our slams. Here are some of my favorites... You're welcome!

• Bark if you can't wait for your people to come home. Meow if you can't wait for that can opener noise.
• Is that your bark or did you just eat a squeak toy?
• You're so lazy, when your person throws a tennis ball you sit down and tell him you were done with it anyway.
• You're so tiny, when you barked at a fluffy-tailed douchebag, he just stood there and said, "Who taught this douchebag to bark?"
• You're so fat, when you run uphill, the hill runs back down.
• You're so skinny, last time I chased a fluffy-tailed douchebag, he ran up you instead of a tree. *mounts skinny dog, flips tail like a fluffy-tailed douchebag*
• You're so old, every day your person goes out and gets just one sample bag of dog food.
• You're so stupid, your human said sit... and you did.
• Your person is so slow, when you two go for a walk you just circle him.
• Your person is so stupid, when you wag your tail he waves back.
• Your tail is so stubby, you look like you're walking backwards.
• Is that your tail or are you not done pooping yet?
• No, no, keep wagging your tail -- It's the only way I can tell that I'm not looking at your face.
• Is that your smell-name or are you carrying a people-baby?
• Hey doggie, I got your smell-name right here! *lifts hind leg*
• Bark if you love peanut butter and kissing people's faces! Meow if you only love yourself.