Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Not what I thought

So Mom FINALLY brought home my little brother and... well... he's way smaller than I expected. Way. Smaller.

I mean everyone said he would be my little brother, but he is TINY! I have NEVER seen a people THIS small. I didn't even know this was a thing that people could do!! What are you supposed to do with a people THIS small!??

And I never really thought about how big I can be. Sure, everyone said that I was going to be the big sister, but THIS is going to be so much harder than I thought. When I rest my head on him, I might crush him! And when I give him all the kisses I'm supposed to give him, I might just lick him all the way away!! And even when I poke him with my wet nose to wake him up, I might accidentally sniff him right inside of me!!!

And he makes such tiny sounds. He's just like the tiniest squeak-toy EVEN when no one is playing with him... so even when I'm not resting on him, and licking kisses at him, and poking him awake, I keep hearing just how tiny-small he his. So I can't stop thinking about his tininess... I guess what I'm saying is that he is really small. Way smaller than I expected.

And he doesn't even smell like any other people I've ever smelled!. He smells... sweeter. But not in the way that makes you want to eat him... well I do sort of want to eat him all up... But not for food... I want to eat him all up for love. Because I just kissed him and he tastes even sweeter-and-more-lovey than I even knew he would!! I just didn't know people could come like this!

And he wiggles and stretches all on his own too. And his people-legs and people-paws just wave around without doing anything for anyone. But somehow they are making me love (LOVE!!!) him even more at the same time. Did he just wave at me?!! Here I am tiniest, little brother! I'm your big sister! I'm going to love you and protect you and lick you all the way away... just as soon as Dad stops pulling me away from you.

Damn, this is going to be harder than I thought.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

What neglect means

Dad thinks he is teaching me a new word. He calls it neglect. He says it is what I need to get used to when Mom brings the new baby home for our pack. He says he is showing me just a little of what it will be like by not writing my blog posts for me.

He is doing this because he thinks he is smarter than me, but he is not smarter than me at all.

He is not smarter than me because he is already forgetting that I am a dog. So what do I care about a blog post? The only post I care about is the one that smells like boy-doggie pee. Some of you might say that this blog post smells like boy-doggie pee, but I am pretty sure that you have not spent a lot of time smelling boy-doggie pee. I WISH this post smelled like boy-doggie pee!

And also, I have been teaching both HIM and MOM about neglect for FOREVER. All night long I ignore them and sit in the Upstairs sleeping. And even when they are at home during the day I sleep or pretend to sleep and I don't pay any attention to them. And in the middle of the night, when they are sleeping THE MOST, I pretend like I don't even know that they are there and I start HOWWWWWLING just as loud as I can! THAT is neglect. Not typing up my blog post is just being busy doing other things.

And if Mom and Dad think they've figured out neglect, then wait until they bring my new pack-baby home. Then they will see what a doggie acts like when it neglects everything they tell it to do. I will not do anything except lick kisses at my new baby brother, and watch to make sure that no one tries to eat him. And chew up all his toys, because he doesn't even know what they're supposed to look like anyway. Maybe they came that way! He doesn't know. And maybe when everyone is so tired I will "neglect" to stay out of the food-room, and "neglect" to not eat all of the food I can reach at once, and "neglect" to wait until I go outside to poop.

Then EVERYONE will know exactly what "neglect" means.

Monday, January 13, 2014


Dad said he read an article about doggies and he had a question for me... This is how most of our worst conversations start. Apparently people write a lot of things about doggies. They write about what they say we like. And they write about how to make us do the things that they want us to do. They also write about how to make us stop doing the things they don't want to do. So when Dad says he just read something about doggies, that's not a good thing.

Today he told me about an article he read that says that doggies poop North-South, and then he asked me why we do that.

I don't even know what "North-South" is, so I twisted my head a little and looked straight at him the longest. He knows this means that he's making no kind of sense at all. So he went on...

He said that North and South are the opposite ends of the Earth and that the Earth is a big magnet and that... well basically he just keeps saying lots of things that make NOT ANY sense at all. And then my neck started hurting from holding my head twisted too long, so I just laid down flat.

So then he said a magnet is the thing that is on the big food-box in the food-room... So his article is saying that I'm pooping in the food-room? Is that what this is about?!

But he said no. He said it's about doggies pooping outside, which IS something that I do -- usually I spin around before I poop and when I get where I like it, I poop. But he says I'm lining up with stuff. He says he's been watching me since he read the article and I've been doing it a lot.

This is where it started to get creepy, so I had to make him stop.

When you poop, you just do what you need to do to poop the way it feels the most right. When you're body says it's time to poop, you bring all your paws together, hunch up your back, and... well, I don't have to tell you how to poop, do I?

And I shouldn't have to tell you anything about pooping. Pooping is just the most basic thing that anyone can do. It shouldn't be anything that you have to explain to anyone! And if I do line up when I poop then so what!! Unless right in front of your face is what "North-South" means, there's no reason why you should be watching me do it every time I do it!!! I once saw a doggie do a front-paw stand when he pooped. That is WAY strange, but I didn't start following him around and watching him every time he pooped to see if he would do it again! Do you want me watching you poop?! Should I tell you which way you're lining and how long you're taking and whether you're hunching your back enough?!! Does that sound like a good idea to you?

So my answer to Dad's question about the article that says doggies poop "North-South" is that you need to stop reading articles about how to poop. That is not a good thing, and maybe that's why you take forever when you do it.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

This is taking forever

Mom still hasn't brought home our new pack baby. I'm not sure what she's waiting for. I'm pretty sure it doesn't take a doggie this long to bring home a new doggie baby... and doggies can bring home SO MANY doggie babies at one time! But while I'm waiting (and Waiting, and WAITING), I thought of some other things that take people the LONGEST time to do.

  • Get from one place to another. People are slow. They are slow when they walk. They are slow when they do what they call running, but which is really just fast-walking. And they are slow when they try to run their fastest for real -- which is almost fast enough to be called real running -- but still not really fast at all.
  • Figuring things out. Every few nights I wake Mom and Dad up in the middle of the night with my howling. I howl as loud as I can, and I ignore them when they say my name or make that "SSSHHHHHH" that sounds silly to me. (It is so silly, I almost stop howling because I have to laugh! But I don't stop because I NEED to keep howling.) Sometimes I howl at the wall-way that goes outside, sometimes I howl into the closet, and sometimes I howl into the hallway where the water comes from. Mom and Dad still don't know why I wake them up in the middle of the night with my loud howling. But don't worry -- even though they are SUPER slow figuring it out, I won't give up on them.
  • Eat the food from the food room. In my house there is a room filled with food. I call it the food room, so that I know which one I'm talking about. It is the room I'm not supposed to go in. But if I did go in there, I could eat all of that food -- ALL OF IT -- in as long as it would take a person to "run" their fastest around the block.
  • Grow up. Mom, Dad, and me moved here like two years ago. I was still just a puppy-doggie then. And on the part of my house that is across the hall from where Mom and Dad stay, there were two people-puppies who used to scream the best when I would try to jump on them and lick them on their faces. Now I'm a grown up doggie -- I'm like four or something (I don't really know because I'm adopted and my now-and-forever parents won't tell me when my real birthday is). But those people-puppies across the hall are still just people-puppies and they still scream when I try to jump up and lick their faces.
  • Remember to feed me after they're done eating. First, they slow-walk into the food room, where there is ALREADY food that we could all ALREADY be eating. Then they make loud food-banging sounds, so that I will know that they are in the food room -- where I'm not allowed to go. THEN they bring just a little bit of food out of the food room and make me watch them eat every little bit of it. THEN they do nothing.

    Seriously, they just sit and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

    And THEN they make me sit on the food-bed (where I'm supposed to wait for my food) and they go into the kitchen and bring food out for me - THAT THEY DON'T LET ME EAT!!!! I'm not fooling! They make me keep waiting... and Waiting... AND WAITING, until they FINALLY say, "Okay."

    They are doing it right now... and they are taking FOREVER!!! I could write SO MANY of these lists in the time I'm waiting for them to feed me.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Nobody's fool

I know what you're doing.

You are not fooling me with your super amazing gluten free peanut butter biscuits that Grandpa made just for me, and that you just covered with actual peanut butter and are about to bring to me. I mean, those are really, Really, REALLY great biscuits, so you should go ahead and bring them over already!!! I am laying on the food bed, so you will know that I'm being my best and should get food right away, the fastest!!! But you are not fooling me.

I know you are going to be the meanest to me again. I saw you pull it out before - the stuff that makes my back sting and burn the worst. And when you saw me see you, you put it down so I wouldn't run away. And that's when you went to the biscuits, like that's what all of this was all about. But I saw that you didn't put it away, so you are not fooling me.

And you're making me wait like the two things aren't about each other. But why else would you be getting out two (TWO!!!) biscuits! And I know they are going to taste SOOOOO GOOD!!! So I want them SOOOO BAD!!!! And I know you only give me food when I lay here the longest, so I'm laying here. I'm being the best layer that every laid. But I'm not fooled. I can hear you opening the other stuff. I know what's coming next.

But I love (LOVE SOOOOO MUCH) those biscuits! And I love (LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!) peanut butter! So lets just do this already. I'm on the food bed, and I'm waiting SUPER patiently. So go ahead and be your meanest to me... make me sting and burn all down my back... just don't forget to bring those biscuits! I'm not doing this for nothing.