Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Nothing at all

You know what makes me happy? Nothing.

Nothing can make me the happiest there is... Like sunlight! Sunlight isn't any thing. But you can watch it come into your house and move around. And you can sit in it and get warm. And sometimes it can play hide from you - and then you can look for it and then find it... and that is THE BEST!

And like the smell from the garbage! Garbage is a thing, but the smell isn't. And what it isn't is THE BEST! Because it can be so complex, subtle, and strong at the same time! The smells are like the garbage talking to you and saying the smartest things you ever heard. And the last thing they always say is, "Now come and get me out of here!" So you have to do that, too.

And people coming into my house is the BEST best no thing of all! People are also things, but what they do isn't. And when they come to my house I get the most excited, because I always love (LOVE!!) people so much!!! It is because people always love me the MOST! And they pet me and talk to me in words I don't understand, and then we can have a party, and I think maybe they will give me food... And I know that food is a thing, but I love it anyway.

So if you're not doing anything right now, you can come over and play with me... And don't forget, that you can always bring me food, because I LOVE it and you the MOST! And also love isn't a thing, but it IS the no-thing that makes me the happiest of all.

Monday, December 30, 2013

You done with that?

I am ALWAYS hungry.

There is no time in the day when I do not want more food. So when you ask me, "Do you want your breakfast now?" The answer is YES! And when you ask me, "Do you want your dinner now?" The answer is YES!! And if you are eating food and you ask me, "Oh Nima, what brings you down here? Do you want some of my food?" The answer is also and always YES!!!

It doesn't matter if you just fed me. It wasn't enough. You didn't put anywhere near enough food in my bowl. That's why I came right back to you after I finished it. I'm not licking your leg to say thanks. I am still hungry -- don't give me your, "You're welcomes." I can't eat them. I want more food. What have you got there? Can I have it?

You say you gave me enough food because I am the right weight for me. But you are wrong. The right weight for me HAS to be way more than this. And why do you get to decide my right weight?! I don't even know what weight is, so why should I have to have a right one? Is your weight more than mine? You are getting more food than me. Maybe I should have your weight and you should try having mine. Then we'll see who is hungry all the time.

This is not a game. If you put your plate on that low table and walk away, you will find out that I am still hungry and you should have fed me more when I licked your leg. If you look away for just one second, I will eat your food. I will take that chip, dripping with salsa right out of your hand. If you fall on the ground grabbing your arm and your chest and scream out loud, I would jump back, because that would be scary. Then I would walk over and eat ALL of your food. And then I would lick your face, because you left a little something right there.

You're welcome.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Santa's puzzle

What does this look like to you?

It looks like a toy to me. It was a gift for me, and I already knew it was going to be a toy before it even came out of its bag. But it is not a right toy... somehow.

Because, when I got it I did just what you're supposed to do with a new toy... I grabbed it the hardest in my mouth and waited for the squeak to go into my ears and tell me to bite it apart! But it didn't say anything to me. Nothing went in my ears at all! It was different already. So then I was going to try to bite it again because maybe I did it wrong... Maybe I wasn't paying attention to it the right way when I did it at first. And I opened my mouth to bite down on it again... and it cried.

It cried SO sad that it made my heart love it and it made me want to take care of it! What kind of toy is THAT??!! It had to be a mistake!! I jumped up and I stepped on it!! And it still didn't squeak the right way... It didn't make any sound at all... until I took my paw off of it and then it cried again - just like a real cry. It even made me cry! My heart hurts the MOST with love! For a toy?! That I love the MOST now.

And now I want to keep it clean and safe and make sure that it is okay and not hungry or cold or lonely or scared or being eaten by any other animals that will try to come into my house and eat it. Because I love (LOVE!) it the MOST inside my heart.

I just don't know why.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


So this Santa guy comes and just gives us stuff we want? Stuff we really, actually want? For free. Wait... what's the catch! There has to be a catch!!

No catch? Except that I need to be asleep... And he knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake. Okay, that's a little creepy. But if it's stuff I REALLY want maybe it's worth it.

Okay, I'm sleeping!

Come on, already! My head is down, my eyes are closed. I know you're looking... Seriously, where the fuck is my stuff.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Looking down

I can tell you're looking down on me, but you really shouldn't... unless you're really just looking down at me because I'm shorter than you. You kind of have to look down at me because of that.

But if you're looking down on me because I eat food off the street, then don't. I find lots of great fresh foods on my walks all the time! As soon as I step out of the house I start sniffing and I find food under my feet right away the fastest! And I keep finding more food the more I walk!! You spend hours in the food-room then come out with just one meal. Really... One meal?!

And if you're looking down on me because I'm stinky, then don't. Because, I'm not stinky. I just smell strongly -- And more than that, I smell proudly! I rolled in the BEST wet-park-dirt three different times this month, so I've had the best smell-name I've had in a long, long time!! In the meantime, you covered yourself in weak-soap-and-flower-smells every day! Seriously?! Soap AND flowers??!!

And if you're looking down on me because I'm licking your big, flat paws, then don't. Your paws are the ones that need a serious cleaning. You keep them in those socks and shoes ALL DAY LONG! What did you think was going to happen? Sniff these paws of yours!! I mean, if I had paws that smelled like yours I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

So you really shouldn't look down on me. Unless you're really just looking down at me while I lick your paws. You kind of have to look down at me then.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Think about it

I know, I can't sleep either. And I just keep thinking about it.

I keep thinking I must have forgotten something, but I can't figure out what it is.

I set up the baby-room nest just the way I wanted to... Except for all the giant leaves I need to bring in and chew up. But those should be fresh, so I can't start that yet.

And I'm making sure to wake Mom and Dad up in the middle of the night every few nights, so that they'll be ready when the baby gets here. Dad's getting really good at jumping WAY high out of bed as soon as I start howling the loudest! But tonight is not the night for doing that.

And I even tested Mom and Dad the hardest last night by making like I was sick THE MOST! Mom is getting to be the BEST at waking up when I start to make my sick sounds. And Dad took me right outside to watch me eat grass and walk around the neighborhood until I couldn't make it look like I was sick anymore. So I did that already.

Eat, drink, pee, poop, sleep, drink some more, pee again, poop again, eat again, sleep some more, howl into the closet for no reason that Mom and Dad can figure out, then go back to sleep... All done, already!! Except that I'm not going back to sleep... I'm messing it up for no reason at all! And instead of going back to sleep, I just keep thinking about it.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

That's messed up

The beach is one of the best, easiest, places anywhere. You don't have to do anything when you go to the beach. Or you can do anything you want! You can go on long, slow walks, dig the deepest anyone has ever dug, and pee ANYWHERE you want to pee.

So why does Dad keep messing it up?

We always go to the beach for our walks-that-turn-into-fast-walks. And it starts off great! We walk down all the hills to get there. We stop and pee whenever I need to leave a note for other doggies, and I get to sniff their notes, too. And the BEST is this time of year, because there are so many fruity treats just laying on the ground. Dad pretends that he doesn't want me to eat them, but he always waits until I have them in my mouth before he starts to angry-bark. And that's just how a walk should be! But the problem starts when we get down to the beach. That's when it all gets messed up.

First, Dad starts fast-walking, which is fine. It would be great if he weren't so slow, but he's just a people, so he can't help it. But then he fast-walks past all of the best stuff, and that is NOT right! He pulls me past the doggies who have to sit next to the people who don't even move. He pulls me past the snacks someone left out -- because now we're walking just a bit too fast for me to pick them up. He pulls me past the places other doggies left pee-notes for me to sniff (How are we even going to find our way back now?!!). And he even pulls me past that thing that looks just like a doggie, but makes loud whistle sounds instead of barking. WHAT IS THAT!!?? Come on! How are you fast-walking away from THAT?! Did you not hear that thing??! It said, "WHEEEE, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" It was SO awful, THE BEST!

I mean, we only stop to for me to get water and leave pee-notes like three or four times on the way out, and then again on the way back! And we don't dig in the sand even once!! I keep leaving pee-notes asking other doggies how to deal with a people who keeps messing up the beach. But I never get to sniff any answers, because we just fast-walk past them all!

Dad, I don't know if I'm the first one to tell you this, but you kind of suck at the beach. Now, why don't you try your hand at scratching my butt.

Friday, December 20, 2013

That hand

You should scratch my butt.

You can start in the middle, just above my tail, then you can go back and forth on both sides of my tail. Because it feels SO GOOD when someone scratches it! Oh, and if I try to bite your hand while you're doing it, just ignore me, okay? You just keep scratching away!

When you scratch my butt - when anyone scratches my butt - it makes me feel the best! First, the buzzy-tingle starts at my butt. Then it moves up my back and my sides, and then it goes right into my head! And sometimes it is TOO much -- in the BEST way!! And then I have to turn around and to bite your hand because I love (LOVE!!) your hand SO MUCH! I mean, I'm not really going to BITE bite your hand. I just want to chew on it a little... More of a gnaw really... Just enough to keep the buzzy-tingle that slid up my body while you were scratching my butt from making my teeth tingle too much.

And it puts me in a dizzy-daze THE BEST too. That buzzy-tingle moves right behind both ears and then it jumps back and forth between them. It's on my left. No, its on my right! NO! IT IS ON MY LEFT... NOW RIGHT!!! NOW... OH DAMN I GOTTA BITE THAT HAND!!!! I kind of want to eat it all up, right now!!!

What's going on? What did you stop for? You were just starting to get it right the way I like it! Come back!

You should scratch my butt!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dazed and

Sometimes I don't really know what is going on.

I know! It sounds crazy, right? I'm a grown up doggie now. I get stuff. I know what I need to know and how things work the MOST! Like, I know the sound my Mom or Dad make when they get up to get me food. Not just the sound they make when they get up. And not just the sound they make when they get up to get themselves food. I know the sound that means that they are going to get ME food. And in the same way, I know when they are going to go outside to my park, or upstairs, or when there is going to be a party on the other side of my house.

And I figured most of it out on my own, so I REALLY know it when I know something. But what I mean is that sometimes EVERYTHING outside of me just seems unknown and new all at the same time. And even though it all smells and sounds and looks just like it always does, I can't be quite sure what any of it means.

And it happened just last night. Because yesterday I went to Doggie Goddess and had another MOST. FUN. DAY. EVER! And that means I didn't sleep at all -- all day long! And sometimes when that happens, I get REALLY tired. You could say dog-tired, but since I'm a doggie that really doesn't mean anything -- anytime I'm tired, I'm dog-tired. But the truth is when I'm back from Doggie Goddess, I AM one seriously tired bitch.

And when I'm THAT tired, I get some things wrong. And I say and do some things that aren't right. Like last night when I sang a sad song about how I had to go outside right away because I was going to sick-poop. And like when I laid down at the front wall-way because I was going to sick-poop right there if no one let me out right away. And like when Dad opened the front wall-way and I jumped up to run outside to sick-poop, but realized as soon as I stepped out that I wasn't poop-sick at all.

And how in that same moment I realized that there was a party on the other side of my house that I had to go to THE MOST! And so I ran to the quiet pee-place to pee the fastest I could and then I ran back up and stood right at the front wall-way to the other side of my house. And I was so sure (SO SURE!) that even Dad thought there was a party there. So he pushed the thing that makes Auntie Kristen or Uncle Zak open the wall-way. And when Auntie Kristen opened it, I ran it to start the party!!!

And there was no one there! There was no party at all. There was just me standing in the middle of the room wondering what was going on. And even now I'm wondering what does any of it mean. What is real if everything you know suddenly doesn't mean anything it used to? I mean, does that sound crazy or what?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

My park

I LOVE my park! It is THE BEST!!! I mean, it is not the best park E-V-E-R. But it is the best park that I can go to ALL the time, when my Mom or Dad go there with me.

My park has all the different kinds of doggies in it... Except the hater doggies. Those doggies don't usually go to the park. And if they do, they don't usually come back again. I guess they don't like it there. But lazy doggies, and hyper doggies, and lovie doggies all go to the park and we all have THE. MOST. FUN. EVER.

But what really makes the park is the best, is that we all get to bring our people there too. Well, most people just stand at the top of the hill and are still like trees. I think that's weird because... well... because that is just weird! Why would you go all the way to the park -- to the place where you can run, and jump, and bite, and pee, and dig, and chase, and poop, and bark, and roll in all of those things (except biting and barking - you can't roll in those things) -- and why would you go to THAT place, and then just stand still?

But some peoples, like my Mom and Dad, aren't like that. They like to run really slowly, like people do -- walking really. And they like to pick up the tennis balls and throw them. And THAT is THE BEST, because I can chase them and catch them right out of the air, until I can't hardly breathe anymore. And then I can take the ball away from them and just lay down with it... until they come too close. Then I can get up and walk away with the ball and lay down again. And if they don't want to play that game, I can play it with someone else at the park. Because it really doesn't matter whose ball you take at the park, they will follow you to try to get it back. And it's that kind of everyone-is-in-this-together feeling that I love the MOST about my park. You should come visit me there! We can play ball.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Visiting doggie

Visiting doggie, don't be scared. I just came over to say hi to you, and to play with you. You can come downstairs now! And when I come upstairs, you don't have to growl at me. I'm SUPER friendly! I love to play the MOST! Actually, I love to eat the most. Do you mind if I eat the food in this bowl that you didn't want? If you do, you can just come down and tell me.

Visiting doggie, don't be worried. I know your Mom and Dad aren't here right now, but mine are. And Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen are here too. And they are all SUPER friendly, too! No one is going to be mean to you... Oh, are you not going to eat that cookie that Dad brought over for you? I can help you with that!

Visiting doggie, you came downstairs! Are you ready to play THE MOST EVER??? I know I... hey, visiting doggie! Where are you going? That's a people-pee-room! There's not really anything fun or yummy in there... um, how long are you going to stay in there?

Visiting doggie, you are too scared of everything. I want to show you how to have fun and share with you all of the things I know about my side of the house that Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak stay on. Like how to know when it is best to sneak into the food-room, and how to get Uncle Zak to sing just like a doggie, and how you can open this garbage can just by sniffing the lid right here! But maybe you're going to be scared of that too.

Visiting doggie, you have a big problem! You are so scared of everything that you never do anything. So you're never going to find out that you don't really have to worry about anything... except maybe that someone might come over and eat all of your food. That is a thing you might want to be worried about.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The secret is out!

One of the best things about doggies is that we love (LOVE) to share all the best things we know with each other. We don't do secrets the way people do. We might know a thing that no other doggie knows, but that's only because we don't have doggie words to tell each other all about it - or because the thing we know is where we hid the food we couldn't finish eating... THAT is a thing we try out best not to tell each other about. But for anything else, once we figure it out, we try our best to tell each other all about it.

And yesterday I found out about a new thing that is the BEST new thing I ever knew! It is SO great because not only is it a sick new super power, but it is one that helps you tell other people and doggies new things even better!! People call it: Avocado.

Dad gave me some avocado yesterday for me to try. I ate the first part of it right away and I could tell already that this is a thing that is going to make me sick the BEST! But it seemed strange that Dad would be the one giving it to me, because he usually tries to stop me from finding the things that can make me sick with super powers. It seemed so strange that -- and I couldn't help it -- I stopped eating and looked right at him with my, "Are you sure about this? Really, really sure?" look. And he looked back and smiled with his, "I don't really know anything about this. Is it weird that you're not eating and are staring at me with that look on your face?" look. So I ate the rest of it. Then Mom looked up from her tap-box and said, "Blah, blah, blah" to Dad. And Dad say, "Oh, whoops."

And everything was normal for a long time. I didn't feel any super powers or sick in any other way. But later, after the outside lights went down, my insides started to feel like more. And I still had all of my energy, which was great! Things that make you sick with super powers AND let you keep all of your energies are the BEST of the BEST!!

And then my super powers got even stronger! They weren't just more of the inside-feelings -- They were starting to feel more like my insides moving out. Only when they came out it wasn't my insides, but just their smells that came out... They came out the LOUDEST! Even people could smell them all! So everyone know I ate something that could make sharing my secrets SO EASY! And if there were any doggies ANYWHERE close enough to smell me, they would know right away that things that people call Avocados are super-great for helping you share things you want everyone else to know about!

Friday, December 6, 2013

The best people

I love (LOVE!) people the most! Because people can be the BEST and they always have food. And the best (BEST!!!) people of all can be people I don't even know! Because they can come right to my front wall-way, knock on it, and just give food to us!!! That is AMAZING!!! And that is something a doggie would NEVER, EVER do.

And I don't ever know why it happens, but it happened again just last night!

I was alone... All. Day. Long. And it was starting to be a pain in my legs because they don't move for the longest time and then they just get more and more energy in them. And then I just want to run and jump and dig and play THE MOST!! But I'm just in a Downstairs with all the doors closed and no fun chewy-tasty things left on the high place anymore.

And then FINALLY Mom and Dad came back to my house. So I took Dad out for a walk, right away. And I pulled him the hardest because when you have as much energy in your legs as I did, you can never be going fast enough! But I still made all the stops you're supposed to make to sniff all the doggie updates, and to leave a few myself. You always have to show your people the right way. Because you should never give up on them even though they can seem hopeless and like they will NEVER learn the right way to walk around.

And getting back home is always the best even though we have never walked far enough to use up the energy in my legs. But the reason it is the best is that after our walk is dinner time! And that is when Mom or Dad go into the food-room and make the chopping, scraping, and stirring sounds that come before dinner (but really, it is almost always just Mom, because Dad is not good for much at all) and then the best smells I smell all day come out of the food-room. And I lay on the floor just outside of the room so that they won't angry-people-bark at me. And then I watch them eat dinner until they are done. And then they put their eating-circles away, and THEN it is time for my dinner!!!

Except last night that didn't happen. Last night when we got back from our walk, nobody went into the food room. Mom and Dad just got on their tap-boxes, and made "blah, blah, blah" sounds at each other. And I was getting worried because I couldn't hear food-room sounds or smell the best smells coming from anywhere, and so maybe there wasn't going to be dinner today!!? Maybe Mom and Dad ran out of food!!!! Maybe we aren't going to get any more food ever again, EVER!!!!

And that's when I heard someone I don't even know stomping up the outside stairs. And they knocked on our wall-way and then just gave Mom food! It was AMAZING!! And even though there were no chopping, scraping, and stirring sounds, there were still eating-circles and everything smelled the BEST again! And then after the eating-circles went away, my dinner came out. And it is all because people I don't even know came right up to my front wall-way and just gave us food. I mean, I never, ever would have thought to do that for anyone.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


Can you hear me snoring? Because I can hear you listening to me snoring. I can tell when you are listening to me by the gaps in between your noises. You stop moving. You're not even turning your head. Then you slow breathe. And you don't blah, blah, blah, like you usually do all the time. That's when I know you are listening to me snore. Well that, and then you said, "Nima is snoring."

And yes, I was asleep when you picked up your eating circles after you finished dinner. I heard you eating. And then I heard you stop eating. And then you got up and I was right behind you, because I heard it was dinner time.

And yes, I was asleep upstairs after the longest day EVER. And you were downstairs and you put on your warm clothes without making any sound at all. And then you put on your shoes so quiet that no one could hear you. And then you picked those things you call keys without making any noise - not even one jingle! Yep. I heard you not making any sound at all... So I'm right here now, because I knew that meant it was time to go outside.

Doggies listen all the time, even when we sleep. Then we do stuff only when we hear it is time to do it -- so mostly we sleep. But people are the opposite. People do stuff without listening, so they never know when it is the right time to do it. That makes people have to do stuff all the time... so they complain about not getting enough sleep.

At least that's what I always hear people doing.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Catching back up

It is always the days that move the fastest that leave you moving the slowest.

Mom and Dad just got home... I knew they were here even before they even got here. Before they opened the front wall-way, I heard them talking in the hallway. Before that, I heard them stomping up the back stairs. Before that, I heard them slamming my car's enter-ways. And before THAT, I heard my garage gate open and close for them. But I still couldn't make it up all the stairs to meet them before they got inside... It is because there is something heavy sitting on my paws, my legs, my head, and even my tail.

Everything got heavy before I even got back home -- even before BigFunGuy put me back in my house... or in his car that took me home and that was filled with me and other heavy doggies. In the car, all the doggies could hardly move, but all of us could fall asleep wherever we put our heads down. Cinnamon-new-rug-smell was sleeping in the front seat with her head on Taco-saltine-smell's butt. Taco-saltine-smell was sleeping in the same seat with his head on the middle-stick-thing that is in between the two front seats. I was in the back sleeping with my head pressed against the window, while Coffee-macaroni-smell, Kitty-litter-flour-smell, Cheese-lung-smell, and Too-itchy all slept butt to face in line with me. We got this way after spending all day long playing non-stop at the happiest doggie place on Earth that is called Doggie Goddess. It was SOOO worth it!

When it was time to go home from Doggie Goddess, I wanted BigFunGuy to carry me into his car, because I was so heavy at the end of my play-day. But he just told me and the others to come and to get in the car, and I came and I slow climbed into the car because my head was too heavy to shake "No" and because I don't know how to jump into cars.

But I do know how to jump! At Doggie Goddess, today I jumped onto everything the MOST!!! I jumped up onto the upstairs couches and beds that are in the sunlight. And I jumped onto the outside big-toys that are in the backyard. And I jumped on Fish-sock-smell every time he grabbed the pee-ball!! And in between I ran the fastest I ever ran and I played tug-the-blanket with Too-itchy the MOST! And it was the most fun I ever had EVER, but it was over way too soon! Because I had just got there and then everything moved so fast. And then the day was over just like that!!

So now I'm moving the slowest, because I went too fast and that got me too far ahead of the day... And whenever you do that you become extra heavy until the day can catch back up.

Monday, December 2, 2013

What's your thing?

There is one thing that doggies can't agree on. And it is something that every doggie has an opinion on. To me it is ridiculous that it is even a question. But if you ask another doggie, she will be just as certain as I am when she tells you the wrong answer. And the question is which is better: Beds or Blankets? And you can have whatever opinion you want, because lots of doggies and even people disagree -- But the answer is blankets.

Beds are gross. Beds are stuffed with smells that do not come from this Earth. Then they are sealed tight so that those smells only come out one tiny whiff at a time -- just enough to let you know that you are laying on something that is not right for you or anyone else that cares about being well, living right, and loving puppies!! When I get a new bed, I have to bite it to pieces as soon as my people aren't looking. This isn't a game! I'm not thinking my new bed is a squeaky toy. This new bed you brought home... this fluffy puff of sickness you made me lay on... is making everything spin inside-out inside of me.

Blankets are clouds pressed into cloth. They floated through the air until they got caught by flowers that smelled the BEST and then they all floated down onto the ground and got tangled up. Then someone found them there and brought them home for people (or better yet doggies!!!) to have and to sleep on. Blankets hold you when you need to rest, warm you when you are cold, and always, ALWAYS, let you breathe at your own pace. Blankets hold the world in the right place, and let you be all the way you.

But hey, you can have your own opinion... Maybe fluffy puffs of sickness are your kind of thing.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Peaceful sleep

Oh falling asleep, I missed you SO MUCH!

I love (LOVE!) being with people, digging holes, eating SO MUCH food, chasing tennis balls, and sniffing poop that other doggies and especially that douchebag-coons leave behind. But when I have a few days in a row where I get to do all of those things the most (THE MOST, EVER!!), then I don't get to spend my usual time sleeping. So when I'm done having the most fun EVER, then the thing that I love, Love, LOVE the MOST is coming back to my main home and falling asleep FOREVER! (but not really forever,... just for a really long, Long, LONG time).

And when I wake up after sleeping SO LONG, I like to howl for no reason at the hallway outside of my bedroom until Mom and Dad wake up. (That never gets old!) And that way, we can all fall asleep together again and that is THE BEST! And then after we wake up and I take Dad outside to watch me pee and poop, then I LOVE to come back inside and go back to sleep... after breakfast. I still love to eat breakfast too much to miss that! Because then I can sleep all. day. long...

Until Mom takes me out for a walk because now Dad is sleeping too. And after Mom gets to watch me pee and poop, then I can go back to sleep until dinner time. I still want dinner. Don't even THINK about letting me sleep through dinner. I'm going to need all the energy I can get to fall right back asleep until it's time to go out and pee again before bedtime. And then we can all sleep in peace...

Until it's time for me to howl for no reason again.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Sniffing, digging, and pee-ball

Some things never get old.

Well, I guess everything always gets old, but some things are always still THE BEST! And the best (BEST) of all of them is waking up at Grandma's and going out in the backyard right away! Because in the backyard there are always new smells that came in over night. I can smell the different fuffy-tailed douchebags who came through already. And I can follow all the places that doucebag-coon went before he disappeared. And I can find all the places he pooped... and know for the first time that douchebag-coon poop is tasty. (No, don't even say "ew" until you try it!)

And in the backyard you can dig THE MOST, too! And you can bury a tennis ball. And then dig it up. And then bury it. And dig it up and then do it all again somewhere else. And that NEVER gets old... just dirty. It gets dirty the BEST!!!

And all the time I love (LOVE THE MOST) when Dad tries to play pee-ball with me. He is SO funny to me, because he is the worst at it! All people are. But he loves to play it with me so I let him think he might win. I pick up the tennis ball and run just out of reach, and then I crouch and growl and bark at him like he has me trapped. And then he makes himself short and holds his arms out wide and hops around at me - and that can make me laugh the ball right out of my mouth!! ...So maybe he's trying silly ways to win for real. But he still can't catch me, and he's never made me pee and roll in my pee, so I'm still the best at pee-ball! But he's the best at losing.

And even though I am getting older all the time, none of these things are -- They are just getting better! Because in between doing them, I can sit in the backyard in the sun and look around and remember all the other times I've played them before. And I can remember how fun that is and how it always makes me feel good and warm inside. And it makes me remember again that no matter what bad things might happen to me - if someone is loud too close to my house at night, or if I don't get the treat I wanted, or even if I have to spend all day in my car - there will always be good times in my Grandma's backyard, and with my Dad, and with my whole pack whenever else we all get together.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The worst best day of my life

Cars are amazing! And they are the WORST! And they are AMAZING!!!

Cars are both the worst and amazing! When you get in a car you never know how long you're going to be in there. It might be for a really short time, or it might be all day, day after day, until you think you will live there for the rest of your life! And that is THE WORST, because you feel sick the whole time, but you don't get to use your sickness for anything good. If you were sick anywhere else, you would be able to hear everything so much better -- including a fluffy-tailed douchebag holding his breath in the tree around the corner. And you would be able to smell everything - including a fluffy-tailed douchebag flipping his tail at someone around the corner for no good reason at all. And you would be able to feel everything so much more -- like the way the ground shakes just the slightest bit when a fluffy-tailed douchebag is trying to sneak up behind someone who is walking with their people around the corner...

But inside your car, you can't do any of these things. You can only hear the same car noisiness get louder and louder and LOUDER!! And you can only smell the same smells you left in the car the last time you were there, but now they are taller, because your new smells are falling right on top of them. And you can only feel every single bump and shift and turn that you didn't even know was coming -- and they keep coming, and coming, and COMING!!

But cars are THE BEST, because you always, ALWAYS, end up some place that is THE BEST even more!! You can end up at a beach so big, that no matter how far or hard you run, or how hard and deep you dig, there is more beach than you have ever seen! Or, you can end up at a park so big that it has its own river on one side and its own extra park in the back of the park!! Or best of all, on a day like today - on a day when cars have made you sick with super powers... On the BEST day of your life EVER -- you can end up in your your Grandma's backyard... trapping the biggest, strangest, and ONLY striped douchebag that you have ever (EVER!!) seen!

Dad says that it is a special kind of douchebag called a "racoon". But he seems more like a douchebag-coon to me and he is clearly not in the right place for him... And as soon as I knew he was there I wanted to help him get to the right place for him SO BAD!! So I tried to dig myself under Grandma's back deck where I found him, right away. But Dad - who maybe didn't know there was a douchebag-coon there yet -- thought I should chase a tennis ball for him instead. So I did it just for Dad, and then I came right back. And then Dad REALLY wanted me to chase a tennis ball again. So, just for him -- not for anyone else -- I did it again. And I have to say that Dad can throw a really good tennis ball... It was REALLY fun chasing that one. So I forgot for a second what I was doing before. But then I found some poop that smelled different from any poop I've ever smelled before.... it smelled just like that douchebag-coon, and I knew again that he wasn't in the right place for him yet. So I went back and tried to dig under the deck again. And then Dad got excited and pushed me out of the way and tried to get under the deck too. And then, I don't really know what happened, but all of the sudden my Dad and me were inside my Grandma's house and the see-through wall-way to the backyard was closed.

And now I know that douchebag-coon is not in the right place for him at all. And I'm so close to being able to put him in his right place... and that is making this best day of my life of my life the worst, and it is all because of cars.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Uh oh!


Sometimes something is so easy that you take it for granted. You never even think about how it gets done or how you do it. You just do it and go on to your next thing. And then sometimes, I don't know why... maybe something happens just a little different and you notice it, or you see someone else do it in a way you never knew about before, or maybe you get interrupted right in the middle of doing it, and you don't know how to get back to the part you were just doing... and whatever it is, it makes you think about something that you never even needed to think about before. And you start to wonder...

Where does all this poop come from? I mean besides my butt. How do I make it? How do I even know how to make it? Did I learn this by watching someone else do it, or did I figure it out just by myself? I don't remember doing either. How do I know if I'm doing it right? Maybe it's not even me that is doing it! Is there someone else in there that makes all this poop and pushes it out for me? If something happens to that guy, then what?

And then you are thinking about pooping too much. So then it starts to come out different. And then that makes you think about it even more...

What is going on back there?! Hey poop guy! Are you okay? Do you need me to wiggle more... or maybe I should wiggle less? Would it help more if I slept straight, or maybe I should only sleep curled into a ball? Are you even there still? Did I poop you out by mistake?!!

And then it really starts to get under your fur... the thinking not the pooping - because then you stop pooping AT ALL!! Because all of the sudden none of it makes any sense any more. Or maybe it is because that poop guy fell out and you didn't know so you walked away and now he can't find you. And you don't know where to find him or where to get someone else who will crawl into your butt and make more poop for you... And you think about THAT and then your not even sure if THAT makes sense. And that's how you know that you forgot how to poop.


Monday, November 25, 2013

Just crazy

Everybody has something that drives them crazy the MOST... something that gets under your fur and just changes you into someone else right away. Yours might be a smell that makes you crazy about digging deep down the hardest, so that you can get underneath it and flip it WAY up in the air. Or it might be the way something runs across the floor in front of you that makes you crazy about stomping it SO flat that you can't tell which part is the top anymore. Or it might be the when an itchy bug bites you on the part of your back you can't reach no matter how much you twist your head to bite that spot. My thing - the thing that turns me into someone I don't even know - is that squeaky lady that lives down the street.

It doesn't matter how tired I am, or if there is a treat I could be having right now, or if there is a fluffy-tailed douchebag that is being the douchiest in the path right in front of me. As soon as I hear her squeakiness - as soon as she puts her tin-thin sound inside my ears - I have to (HAVE TO!!!) jump up on anything that looks like a people.

I don't know what it is about that squeak, but I need to jump on her the MOST!! And there is a criss-cross wall in my way! So I try to claw at her through the criss-crosses, but she's too far away AND she is STILL SQUEAKING AT ME!! I need to jump up on someone SO BAD!!! And there is someone on this side of the criss-crosses, and he is shaped the most like her of anything I can reach, so I jump up on him - on THAT - because I still. hear. her. squeaking!!!

And then I hump...

And I never regret anything I do, because everything I do, I do on purpose... except when I am not me. And me is who I am not when that lady that lives down the street squeaks out loud at me. So, Dad, I'm sorry that not-me doggie humped your leg. That was just some doggie that went crazy the MOST. I don't even know her... And I think you would be smart to stay away from her.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Dog on smarts

Doggies are smarter than people. I only say that because it is true. And because you think I'm wrong. So here's why I'm right... and smarter.

When you're a doggie, you have to figure EVERYTHING out for yourself, because there is no one to tell you how anything works. Dad tries to tell me, but he keeps using words like "technically" and that makes me think he's an ass, so I stop listening. Well, that's exactly not true. He does sometimes use the word "technically" and that does mean that he's telling me something that he knows AND that he knows that I don't know it. AND it also means that he knows that I don't need to know it, but he's going to tell me about it anyway. So he IS being an ass. But the truth is, I'm not listening because none of his words make sense anyway. I don't speak people, and I don't read words. So he can talk all he wants, but none of it is going to help me a whole lot.

And that's the point. How many things do you know how to do because someone told you about it. You didn't figure it out all by yourself. You just kept saying, "Why?" forever, until you took everything that person knew from them, so you would know it, too (or until they walked away from you because they thought you were being an ass). That doesn't mean you are smarter than me, it just means your life is easier than mine.

So I might not know how waving a people-paw in front of that place on the wall can make the light go on. And I might not know how to wrap my paw around the round-thing on the wall-way to open it when I need to go outside. And I might not know how to get all the food I want out of the food-room. But I figured out all by myself that I don't have to know any of those things. If it is dark, I can still see okay, and everything smells and sounds just as big anyway. If I need to go outside, I can just stare at the door and sing a sad-bark song and Mom or Dad will open it for me. And if I need food, I just sit next to Mom or Dad and lick their feet until they get food for me. I figured all of that out by myself. And I figured out that I have two people who will do all of these things for me. So not only am I smarter than people, I don't have to work as hard as them either. And that means my life is easier than yours, too.

Just don't ask me why.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Still the same

Its funny to me how people and doggies can be so different and still be the same in so many ways. Like people are slow and walk funny, while doggies are fast and graceful walkers. But both people and doggies both love to go on long walks. And like how doggies are cute and fuzzy and people are scary-looking with no fur and ugly paws. But both people and doggies love to snuggle. And doggies can love (LOVE THE MOST!!) being petted by those ugly, ugly people-paws. And how people can love (LOVE!) so many things that a doggie just doesn't care about - like those hand boxes people carry everywhere. But both people and doggies are still the same when they want whatever someone else has just because they don't already have it.

Even when I have my tennis ball right in my mouth, if I see another doggie chasing his tennis ball, I have to chase it too. And if someone has a thing that is small and squeaks, then I want it THE MOST right away, even if I am already stomping my paws on a thing that squeaks. And if I see Mom and Dad with a thing that I think is food, then I have to ask for it right away... Even if it smells awful and I know I'm not going to like it even before I get to taste it.

And when I am inside alone all day and everyone else it gone outside somewhere, then I want to be outside SOOOO MUCH!!! Like when I am at my Grandma's house and everyone who was there with me left to be outside without me. And I just want to go out and run and chase, and sniff and play, and fight and lay in the sun, and of course poop and pee. And all day long I dream about which thing I'm going to do the most when I finally do get outside again, because it has been SO LONG, FOREVER since I was last outside!!!

And then finally, FINALLY, some people come home. And I beg them to let me outside... And they let me out!!! But they don't come with me. They all just stay inside. And at first I do all the things I said I was going to do... that I dreamed all day about doing... that I was made to do! But it is not as fun as I thought it would be... And I can see everyone is inside now... And there is food and playing and snuggling and all the best things are in THERE! What am I doing outside?!

But sometimes it's not exactly like that. Sometimes when I see them inside, they look funny to me. No... they look at me in a funny way... It's like they're looking at all the things I'm doing outside and they are wondering why they have to be inside. And they are thinking about all of the fun things they could be doing outside... and, of course, about pooping and peeing, too. And that's when I know again that even though everything is different between us, we are still the same in so many ways.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

You done with that?

Everybody knows some things about begging, like: If they move away from you, you lose. If you are told to be gone, you lose. If you are locked outside, you lose. But not everybody knows when they are winning. Mostly everyone thinks you are only winning when you get what you beg for. But that's wrong. My rule for begging is: if you're not making enemies, you're making progress.

And it's true! Because the first thing you have to know with begging is not to go too far. You don't want to make people feel guilty, or angry at you because you are so pushy, or like you are a doggie that needs to spend time outside on the balcony, behind a closed wall-way, watching them finish all of the food. You want them to look at you and say, "You might be doing the wrong thing, but you can stay exactly where you are."

And you say: "But Nima, that might not be enough to get me all of the food that they already have! And I WANT IT!!! GIVE IT TO ME NOOOOOWWW!!!"

You just got put out on the balcony with dry leaves instead of food. See how well that worked? You already went too far.

And that is because the second thing you have to know with begging is where YOU have to make people go. You have to beg in a way that makes people go to a better place than they are in before you started begging... and they're already eating food or holding the best (BEST!) toy you have ever seen, so they are already in a really good place. You have to make them feel like: "Aw, this doggie is cuter than my toy!"

Or, "Aw, this doggie is the nicest, sweetest doggie EVER!"
Or, "Awwwwww... I want to melt into a puddle and have this doggie lay on top of me."

(Yes, I know it is weird, but people think things like that.)

And no you won't always get what you beg for. But sometimes you still get a treat, or a toy, and you always get a warm lap to lay your head on for as long as you want! ...And you never get dry leaves. If you do get dry leaves, you lose.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


The thing about toys is that they look really simple... and they are. But they are also really important and you have to treat them like that too. Because they are practice for the real thing - for when you need to be able to do whatever you're playing at doing with toys, but for real. You know,... you don't want the time when you really need to bite someone apart THE MOST, to be the first time you ever thought about how to bite someone apart. You just want it to be the time that you bit them all the way apart.

So what do you do first? Do you try to bite from behind? Do you bite whatever you are closest to? Do you go for the BIG bite? You can try all of these ideas out with toys. I like to bite out the eyes first. Then you can pretty much do whatever you want. And by that I mean that you can pick them up and shake them until they feel silly. Then you can pin them down, rip them open, and tear all the stuffing out of them. Because what else would you do?

And if you don't know the answer to THAT question, then that is because you're not treating your toys like they are important. Because there are lots of other things you can do! You can tear apart their legs, then shake them until they feel silly, pin them down, and rip them open and tear all the stuffing out of them. OR you can bite their whole head the harderst, then shake them until they feel silly, pin them down, and rip them open and tear all the stuffing out of them. OR you can stomp them flat, then shake them until they feel silly, pin them down, and THEN rip them open and tear all the stuffing out of them.

There are just SO MANY different ways! It looks so simple... and it is. But it is also SO important!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Things like that

Did you know you can tell somebody a thing that is not actually a thing? Like, I can tell you I'm not hungry, when really I am hungry. But, no wait... that's not a good example, because I'm always hungry. And why would I tell you I'm NOT hungry? If I told you that, you might not feed me, so that would just be stupid... okay, lets try this again.

You can tell someone a thing that's not an actual thing... like, "I have to poop really bad right NOW!!" Yeah, that's a better one. You can tell someone THAT, so then they'll take you outside right away... And then you can be outside the fastest! And you can say it like, "I have to poop right NOW!!! And, also, I have to poop over at the park. So we better start going there now!!! Yeah, I know it's still night time. But, hey, I've got to poop SO BAD!! You HAVE to take me outside! PLEASE!?!?!?"

And then when you get outside, you can just do what you want, because you're outside where you wanted to be. You can say, "But we have to walk THIS way!" And then you can pull real hard up the hill away from your house, so you won't have to go back inside already. And you can get at least halfway up the hill before your person starts to wonder why you're walking so far and not pooping yet. And then you can say, "It has to be at the park!!!" Because that's where you want it to be at, even though the poop thing was not actually a thing.

But you have to watch out, because the person who you took out with you might also tell you a thing that is not a thing, like, "We can't go to the park now, because they took it away. Yeah, actually they took all the loud-sky-clap things that you hate the most and they put it in the park and used them to blow the park up. So it is gone now. Maybe they'll put another one there tomorrow, but right now it is all the way gone. We better go back inside in case there are any more loud-sky-clap things laying around."

Did you know people will say things that aren't actually things like that the most?

Monday, November 18, 2013

Mind control

So there is this thing called a blog that is on some thing called the web, and it is about what a person thinks a dog is thinking about. And the weirdest part of all of this is that, to me, none of these things even is.

To me, a blog is just noises that come from Dad's tap box when we sit in front of it. And the web is something he tries to tell me about, but I've never even smelled it. And who knows where what he thinks I think about even comes from? Am I telling him what to write? Does he figure it out from the way I do the things I do? Do I make him think things right inside his head?

Most of the time, what I'm thinking about is when is this guy going to get up and feed me again. Or -- is he going to finish all of what he's eating, or is he going to see that I want some of it too and then share it with me? Or -- is this one of those times that I'm supposed to sit or lie down to get food, or is it one of those times when it doesn't matter what I do, because I'm not getting any of it no matter what I do? And then there is peeing... When is it time to go out again so I can pee? Why is it okay to pee on these small rocks that are hard, but not that flat hard place that we were just walking on?

And if he's really hearing the things that I'm thinking, and writing it into something on a blog, and posting it onto something called the web so that you can read it... Then why does he keep tapping that tap box when it is clearly time to go pee then get something for me to eat?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Most surprised

That was the best (BEST!!!) surprise party I EVER had!!! And the best part was that I didn't even know I was going to have it!

Normally when I have a party, I have it on the other side of my house where Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen stay. And I always know when I'm going to have it because I hear the people coming to join my pack over there even before I leave the side of my house where my Mom and Dad stay. And then, normally, we go down to the quiet pee place behind my house first and I can already hear my party going on. So I pee and run back up the fastest!! Sometimes I'm so fast that Mom or Dad don't even make it all the way down to the pee place before I'm coming back up.

But this time was not normally. This time everything was different. First Auntie Suegene came all the way over from I don't even know where - because it smelled like she's been living somewhere I've never been before... somewhere with tiny cats, who I want to meet the MOST! But she came by herself and joined my pack and now she sleeps in my Upstairs bed that is too tall for me to get in. And then after me and Mom and Dad and Auntie Suegene all woke up, we started making the best (THE BEST!!!) smells come out of the food-room. Or at least Mom and Auntie Suegene did. Me and Dad were busy doing other things... We started moving the whole inside of my house around. And all of the sudden, we had more chairs than I've ever seen before. And Dad was moving the outside-smell-dusts off of both of my balconies. And then there were more chairs than I've ever seen out there too, because that was when Uncle Zak brought over SO MANY MORE chairs! And that would be pretty exciting, except I don't use chairs, and I still didn't know there was going to be a party or more people. So I would have been much more excited if Uncle Zak had brought over something good like food... But chairs was a thing to bring over, too.

And then other people I hardly ever see before came over plus Auntie Kristen came over, too. And everyone started putting blue things on the walls. And then there was even MORE food... Even some from Uncle Zak! So I started to get really excited, and I thought, "This is starting too look... just like... a PARTY!!!" And the next time the door opened up I RAN out the door and straight down to my quiet pee place the FASTEST I EVER RAN and I peed and ran back up again EVEN FASTER!!! So NOW it was a party - and I ran in a big circle around the couch and did a spin with my butt really low, and everyone got happy because I just started the party!

And then SOOOOO MANY MORE people came over! And there was SOOOO MUCH FOOD! And it was the biggest my people pack has ever been!! And there were even tiny people who I got to lick on the face, and some of them didn't even scream the loudest at first. So I knew I was being the best hostess EVER!

And there were the MOST presents I have ever seen too! Mom unwrapped them for me, but there wasn't enough time to open them all the way yet. I mean I just can't wait to play with all of the things that are in this one!!!

But it was such a big party, I didn't know what to do. There wasn't any more room to run my circles, or do my spins, and everyone was playing with each other the best, already! And that made me happy because that meant my pack was big and happy. So I just kept walking around and making sure everyone was still happy the whole time. And before I knew what to do next, people started to leave. And there were less and less of them. And I realized that I hadn't hardly asked any of them if they had any food for me. And no one was more surprised about that than me... except for Dad. That was all Dad kept talking about afterwards. So maybe it was a surprise party for him, because he was the most surprised of all.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Pun more time

The biggest problem with puns is that once you start making them, you just can't stop. Puns are awful, painful, and they are an embarrassment to anyone who uses them. But some are also SOOOO clever. Here are the best (BEST!!!) puns I have ever heard!

  • Cat-astrohe. Because that is actually what it is whenever I try to meet a real cat.
  • When you're pooping, you're not just passing time. Poop puns are always fun, because the word poop is fun all by itself. In fact, you can almost always get a smile from someone if you just include the word poop.
  • Smell me about yourself. This one is friendly, AND it is the right way to meet someone! If you're going to tell puns, you might as well try to make friends at the same time. You're going to need them.
  • Bon-A-Pet-Treat. Any pun that involves giving food to doggies is smart, smart, smart!
  • We should get to nose each other. Friendly... Socially correct... And just hearing it makes me want to sniff your butt.
  • You must have been scent from heaven. This might be coming on too strong. But, no... I'm blushing under my fur. You are definitely winning me over. I love (LOVE!) you the MOST!!! So, why don't you come up and poop with me some time?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

No more pun

People can be very creative. But not everything that they make is a good idea. The two worst things any person ever made are car alarms and puns. And puns are the worst. Even the name says it is bad... because it is short for punishment, which is what you are giving out when you use them on anyone. And that should be all you need to know. But I know you won't believe me, because I can't be the first one who has said that you should all stop. So just to make sure you know how bad puns are, I'm going to explain some of the worst ones I hear to you...

  • Paw-fect or Paw-some. Please don't ever say either of these things. Just by saying them you've ruined whatever it is that was so great. So just don't ever do it.
  • Furr-ious or Fur-ocious. First of all, if a doggie is so angry that this fits, saying it will not make anything better. Maybe it makes you feel better because for a second you stopped thinking about how this doggie might want to bite you apart. But it shouldn't because now he is going to bite you apart for sure.
  • Paws-itive. No. Just... no.
  • That looks ruff. Does it? Did you see me struggling and think that this is the perfect time to say something to me that makes less of my struggles and problems? If your answer is "Yes" then you are an ass, and you should re-read "Furr-ious".
  • Purr-fect. Cats are graceful, stealthy, hunters that kill in the middle of the night. Cats are bad-ass. Your pun is not cat-like in anyway. It is awful and shames their whole species. If you use this pun, you better never go to sleep at night again.
  • Fur-real. Okay, so something kind of exciting just happened. Maybe no one saw it coming, so it was a surprise too. Then you said this. You took all the good, happy energy away and made everyone look at you and hate you all at once. Are YOU for real?
  • Im-paws-ible. This just makes it embarrassing to know you. Tell me, does not having any friends feel like punishment?

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Um... awkward!

You know people are not the most social animals... I mean they DO like to spend time with each other, or with doggies, or even with cats. And people are nice, and always have food, so they can be the BEST to spend time with! But they are not always good at being social.

When I see people, I try run up to them right away and sniff them "Hi!" And if they are nervous, I try to jump on them so that they will know that I can be in charge and can take care of them the best no matter what. And so many times people don't even know to say hi back! (If you are NOT nervous, you should just sniff my butt. And if you ARE nervous, you should pee in front of me... And then sniff my butt.) Instead people just get more nervous -- which doesn't even make any sense, because I already showed you that I'm going to cover you no matter what! So I jump on them even more, so that they know I will take care of them the best! And then Mom or Dad pulls me down and makes me lay down in front of a nervous person - and that makes NO sense at ALL, because that says that this super-nervous person is supposed to take care of me! No way!! Now if Mom or Dad jumped on them next it would totally make sense, but they never do that. So you can see what I mean about people being bad at being social.

But it doesn't stop there! Even when people aren't nervous, they still get it all wrong. Sometimes when my Mom or Dad miss me the most, they come up and give me a big hug... That is SOOO AWKWARD!!! I mean they are totally in my space with their head next to my head instead of next to my butt, WHERE IT SHOULD BE. And so they are saying that they are going to bite me, even though I know they won't. I mean it almost hurts how wrong they are, so I have to look away and maybe close my eyes. The least they could do is let me put my head down into their chest or crotch and then they could scratch my butt. But they can't even do that! This is just embarrassing for both of us!

And don't even get me started on taking pictures with this hand box!! The first thing they do is get in front of me and square off on me. ON ME!!! We are supposed to be in a pack together and they are squaring off on ME??!!!! And when I turn away from them, because they are SAYING that they are going to attack me if I don't show them that they are the boss, they just move in front of me again... So now I have to look away again. Seriously, sometimes I don't even think they know what they are saying.

Really? Are you still taking pictures? Did you not just hear anything I said? ...This is so awkward.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

So much better

OMG!!! It has been SOOOOO LONG since I had any!!! It has been so crazy, insane here -- with all of the nesting that is not all-the-way nesting, and the tiny-chewy-things that I can't chew yet but that keep coming in everyday -- And it has been maybe two or three days already since I last met you.

But this morning I finally met you again and it. was. so. good. THE BEST!!! And you know how you can always feel, smell, see, hear, and whatever something THE MOST when you haven't whatevered any of those things with it for the longest time? Well that's exactly how it was this morning! And when Dad picked up the kong-thing I could ALREADY hear you, even though he hadn't put any of you in it yet. And I swear I heard you say, "Bed." And Dad's been teaching me to go to my new new middle-floor bed whenever I want food the most, so I went straight there, because I was hoping that was YOU telling me to go to my bed.

And then you/kong must have told Dad to go into the food-room, because that's where he went next. AND HE DID IT!!! He put you into kong! And I stayed on my bed, because I KNEW it was you who told me to go there, even though I wanted to come kiss you RIGHT AWAY!! And Mom and Dad did some stuff, but I didn't really see what it was. And they said some stuff, but I just heard, "blah, blah, blah." ...Maybe... I'm not even sure if that was what they were saying. I just kept looking at right at you, and listening for you to say something to me. And smelling you SO MUCH the MOST!!!

And then finally... and I KNEW you would... you said, "Downstairs!" And I heard you SO LOUD!!! And I jumped up off my bed and ran right past everyone including you, and I went Downstairs, just like you told me to. And then you came down too and we both laid down together, and I waited for you to say, "Okay, Nima!" But you just said, "wait... wait... wait..." And you were so loud you almost hurt my ears, but I didn't move because you didn't want me to. And then time was SOOOO slow, like it is when you've been waiting for something FOREVER and you know it is going to happen in just a little bit - but those little bits keep getting further and further apart... then you FINALLY said it!!! And I jumped up and ate you all up the MOST!!! And I hope that was what you meant, because that was exactly what I was thinking I'd do when you said that.

And from now on I am calling you peanut better, because that is what you always are when I meet you again.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Nesting needs

Nesting for a people-baby is a lot of work. At least Mom and Dad make it look like a lot of work. Because all you really need to do is find a good hiding place, tear up some branches and leaves, put down a lot (A LOT!!!) of cover smell, and then you're done. But that's not how Mom and Dad are doing it. They are adding a lot more steps already, and they've hardly even started the right ones yet!

I already found the perfect hiding place in the Downstairs a long time ago. And everyone agreed it was the best, and that's right where we're building our baby nest. So that's great! (And please don't tell anyone where it is, okay!) But we haven't even gotten to the tearing up branches and leaves part yet. Instead Dad took everything that was in there out. Then he rubbed stinky-make-your-head-chase-itself-in-circles stuff on the walls, which I thought was a good idea at first, but then it stopped stinking and my head stopped circling. So what was that all about?! Then Mom and him moved new stuff in the nesting place - but none of it was branches or leaves! A lot of them were in boxes that came from outside and they took them apart and started tearing up the boxes... so I thought GREAT! Now we're getting to the nesting part! But Mom and Dad just put all that good stuff in a pile and then carried it back outside!! Then Mom and him started putting the stuff that was inside the boxes together into different shapes. And I wanted to help them doing whatever this was that they were doing, so I watched the CLOSEST that I could. But it looked like you had to use the tools that only people's weird paws can wrap around... Someone needs to make tools for doggie paws, because I would be the best (THE BEST!) at helping!!! But I wasn't any help because there weren't any tools for me.

And then they put a new cover on the ground and Dad started putting his scent on it right away. He laid down on it the flattest - just like a lazy dog! - and he started smushing his face into it. And Mom sat on him and smushed him down even flatter. So this was a part I knew I could help with the most! And I stepped right on Dad and then I smushed my face onto his and when he would smush it the other way, I would smush my face onto the other side of his face. And everyone was SOOOO happy that I was helping and so I laid down to and let Mom and Dad scratch me so that I could put as much of my fur onto the new cover as I could. And that worked great too, but it still isn't any of the right steps that we need to do to put the nest together. So there is still a lot of work to do. And if you want to help, you can send us lots of leaves and branches! And as long as you're sending us those things, can you send me food too? Whatever kind is the most is my favorite!!

Friday, November 8, 2013

Cheating faces

People all kind of look the same to doggies. You guys all stand around on your rear legs and let your front legs hang down at your sides, and your head just sits way up top. You're all just tall skinny things that kind of look like the pee-poles - I mean trees - outside.

But, I'm sure it's not the first time you've heard that.

But one thing that looks different on some people is the furry faces you can have. Most people who come into my house don't have furry faces, so I need to sniff them to know who they are. But once in a while someone comes in with fur all over their faces, and I know that they are not the same people as everyone else right away! And it makes me wonder how people without fur-faces can tell each other apart so well, when you all look so much alike, and when none of you sniff each other. And I think I figured it out.

You guys cheat.

And I'm not yet sure exactly HOW you cheat, but you definitely do it. Because you know right away who is who, when there's no way you could know! Maybe you put something on the tops of your heads that I can't see or smell that gives it away. Or maybe you hold something inside your mouths and show it to each other when I'm not looking. Or maybe you use a special code like scratching your neck, or touching your nose then your ear then your eye and then your nose again, and I just thought you were being nervous or had a rash or something.

But however you do it it all means the same thing... You are all cheating. It's like when I go to the park with my Mom or Dad and they throw the tennis ball, but don't really throw it. That's cheating! Because it means that they don't have to go find another ball after I catch the one they throw and then don't bring it back. And Mom and Dad also don't have furry faces and it can be hard to tell apart without sniffing them, so now that I think of it, they are cheating me all the time, not just at the park!

And you think it's okay, but I've seen a doggie get confused at the park and pee on a person instead of a tree. And I'll tell you this, the person who got peed on did not have a fur-face, but his face did change colors. And it is because they were caught cheating, so they got what they deserved.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Send more new things

I love (LOVE!) new things the MOST!

And it seems like everyday new things keeps coming to my house! It comes in boxes that Mom and Dad bring in from outside. And inside of my new boxes are things that are small and soft or small and colorful. And I'm pretty sure they would squeak if Mom and Dad would just let me bite them even a little bit!

And they are all SO tiny, so they have to be for me! Because they are not things that Mom or Dad could use, and who else is there? And now that Dad finished being crazy in the downstairs, he is putting all my new stuff in the room that used to be my first bedroom, but that now has the nest that my pack's new baby will go into. And that is great for me, because when the baby comes, I will spend ALL of my time in there protecting him. And so I will need lots of toys to keep me active and ready to fight the animals that try to come eat him... and they will come. They always come.

That's why, when you are a big doggie sister, your job is never done. Because people babies are so small and clumsy and weak. And they stay that way forever (AND EVER)!! So I will be in that room and by that nest for the longest time. So if you are a person that is sending me all of the new small, soft, and squeaking things - Thanks the MOST!! Dad will make sure they are safe until I need them to help me protect my pack baby. Then I will make sure they all get chewed up until they don't help me anymore. And then you can send me more new things... because protecting a new baby brother is really hard work. But I have to do it, because I already love (LOVE!) him the MOST!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Nima so sleepy

I can be SO (SOOO!!!!) tired! And that's when sleeping feels the BEST!!!

Like yesterday, after I came home from my favorite fun place that is called Doggie Goddess, where I play ALL. DAY. LONG. And I don't sleep, not even for one second! Because there is just TOO MUCH fun EVERYWHERE!!! And you already know how fun it is there, because I tell you ALL the time. But every time when I come home, I am SOOOO tired!

And even though I can't hear peanut butter saying anything to me, I go Downstairs, because BigFunGuy puts me behind the gate at the top of those stairs. And I know that there is a soft bed down there, because there is always a soft bed down there. And I never even hear BigFunGuy leave, because inside my head I am already asleep on that bed when I am walking down those stairs.

And I don't know how long it is - maybe it is a short time, or maybe days and days - but eventually I hear my Mom and Dad come home. And I wake up even though I am still SOOOO sleepy, and I walk up the stairs because Mom and Dad are going to open the gate. And I do it even though I want to be asleep still, because it means I can go all the way Upstairs and sleep on my even softer bed. And I don't even remember if I sniffed "Hi" to Mom or Dad. And I don't even know HOW I made it up all of the stairs to the Upstairs. Because inside my head I am already asleep on the next bed when I am doing all of it.

And somewhere in there is dinner, that I'm pretty sure I eat in my sleep. And somewhere in there Dad takes me out to my quiet pee place to pee, while I'm still sleeping. And always there is sleep - that is the MOST and BEST sleep I ever (EVER!!!) had.

And then I wake up, and it is morning... And Dad?? DAD??! DAD WAKE UP!!!! BECAUSE, IT IS ALREADY TIME TO PLAY!!!!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Live and learn

I'm a pretty quiet doggie. Everyone says so. Mostly I don't talk so much because my voice just sounds SO funny to me. But all that time I'm not talking is time I'm sniffing, listening, and learning, so I know a lot! Here are some things I thought you should know about the MOST!!

  • Never eat food that isn't food. Because the hole that stuff goes into is bigger than the hole that it has to come out of. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but that's the way it is. And what goes in HAS to come out somehow. So if it isn't food, you can sniff it, lick it, and chew it, but you should never (NEVER!) eat it.
  • Always sniff before you step. A lot of people don't do this. Then they blame doggies like me when they step in something they shouldn't have. Maybe you should put your hand-box away and stop and smell the... um... world you're walking through.
  • It’s always darkest before that guy who drops something at the top of the stairs comes by – so get your howl ready! He comes by every night, and he is too close to your house when your people are sleeping. And he always comes when it's the darkest and quietest outside, so just be ready... Because if you do it right, you can totally hear him jump the highest! And if you do a really great howl, you can get your people to jump really high, too!!!
  • If your Mom and Dad say no, try, try, try again! Maybe they will not notice one time. Or they will get tired of saying no. Or they will decide you are the cutest, most adorable doggie and you should get to do whatever makes you happy. It doesn't matter why... All you need to know is that no matter what it is, you will eventually win!!
  • Never chase a ___ without a plan for what to do when you catch it. This means you have to know what you're chasing. I chase those fluffy-tailed douchebags. I know just what I'm going to do when I catch one too. I'm going to put him in the right place for him! And then maybe I'm going to eat him... I don't know... I guess my plan still needs a little bit of work.
  • It is okay to eat your own throw-up. This just makes sense, because all this stuff is only what you already ate -- That’s how it got to be what it is in the first place! So as long as you're not eating food that isn't food, you're TOTALLY in the clear with this!!

Monday, November 4, 2013

Crib notes

When you're a grown-up doggie, you can still see new things and you can still learn new things. This weekend, I saw my Dad go crazy. So this weekend, I learned what it means to go crazy.

When you live with a crazy man, you never know what is going to happen next. At first, everything can seem normal... you can wake up and go for a nice walk, and then watch him eat breakfast, and then eat your breakfast - just like every other day. Then, out of no where, his hand-box can start screaming noises, and he can start taking everything - everything you know and live with everyday - apart and away!!!

Your bed? Gone. The bed you can't be in? Gone. The room and space and smell you know the best? Gone, gone, GONE! Things you didn't even know COULD be moved are gone!! But that screaming noise from that hand-box? That noise is still there. Singing your sad-bark song can't stop it!

And then he opens that can, and brings out that smell... that CRAZY smell... the one that slides into you and makes your head chase itself in circles. It makes all the noises sounds slower. It makes your legs shake on the inside. It's like getting super-powers that are turned around inside of you! It's time to lay down.

Dad can't be stopped!! He wants to rub that stinky-head-spinning-can-stuff on every part of every wall! He just got it in his hair! He's putting it on his hands!!! Is he going to put it on me?! I am out of here!!!

This weekend, I learned that craziness is something that can go on FOREVER!! Once it starts, it can't be barked at. It won't slow down. And it won't take a break.

This weekend, I learned that the rest of my life will be filled with a crazy Dad. Because at the end of this weekend, I saw that this was just Dad when he is nesting. This is just Dad getting ready for the baby that Mom is making to add to my pack. This is just Dad getting ready for the rest of his life!!!

This weekend I learned that this is going to be the new baby room. And this is the new baby crib. And this is where I'm going to poop, so that no one will smell the baby and try to come eat it. And this is what it means to go crazy.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Insanity, day two

Mom is still gone and Dad is SO crazy!! But he did feed me twice and took me to the park, so maybe he is not all the way gone. Maybe he will still get better.

But this is how it happens now... Dad spends all morning in the empty bedroom, rubbing the walls with stinky stuff. Then he moves all the stuff he just took out of that room the day before BACK INTO IT! AND he also moves ALL of the stuff that was in the other bedroom in there too! And it looks like he's about to rub stinky stuff on those wall now. His hand box has been even screaming noises at him ever since Mom disappeared. I don't know. This still looks pretty bad.

I tried to stay near him in the morning when he was being really crazy with the wall rubbing and stinky stuff. You know I love stinky smells the most! But this stuff gets inside your head and starts to push it in circles. So I had to leave. And then I tried to get him to take a break with me by bringing a ball down to play with. But he just kept rubbing those walls!

I used to be SO sad when Dad would leave me alone all day. Now I miss those days THE MOST! But this is the new Dad and I still love (LOVE!) him, because he's still my Dad. But you can still send help. Because he's still SO crazy. And as long as you're sending someone over anyway, can you have them bring food?

Friday, November 1, 2013

Send help!

How do you know when a person has gone crazy?

Now that I'm a grown-up doggie, I know a bunch of things. Like I know when something running away from me is just a rock that Mom or Dad kicked, or when a fluffy-tailed douchebag is too far away for me to chase right away, or that poop is a thing you only have to sniff, not lick or eat. But sometimes I see something new... something that I've never seen before, and that I don't know how think about, and that makes me fell less safe inside... like when one of my now-and-forever parents goes crazy.

First, Mom is gone. I don't know where she went. Everyone was acting weird last night. They were packing up things like we were going to go on a long trip. So I sat in front of the front wall-way to make sure they wouldn't forget to take me. But then no body went anywhere. They just sat down in front of the noisy-flat-box like most other nights and acted like nothing was different. Then everyone got up early this morning - Dad made me go out right away and it was so dark out that I forgot to poop. Then things got normal again - peanut butter told me to go Downstairs like it usually does and after I ate it up, and freaked out because I was all alone, and then passed out, and then woke up, and then went back to sleep because I was still all alone, and then heard them come home, I came Upstairs and it was only Dad. And Mom never came home. And then Dad went crazy.

But before that I thought I was the one going crazy, because I swear I heard Mom's voice. And maybe it was Dad making one of his funny voices, because he was talking back to Mom's voice while he was eating dinner. Maybe he was really just talking to himself and maybe that was the first sign he was going crazy. But I didn't think about it right away, because he fed me anyway, so what does it matter.

But then it really got bad... he stopped talking at all. He went Downstairs and his hand-box started screaming noises at him. And he started taking everything - EVERYTHING! - out of my other bedroom. He rolled out the things on wheels, then he carried the things that are boxes, then he carried the bigger things that don't usually move, then he carried the giant chair out, and then he carried the biggest things that are only moved when we change homes. And now they are all in my main bedroom, and on the bed I can't be in, and in my Downstairs hallway and there's almost no room anywhere at all! Except in my other bedroom, which is all the way empty!!

And then Dad stopped. And he turned off the lights, and he closed the door to the empty room, and he went Upstairs. And I managed to get him to type out this post, so that I could tell you that Dad is crazy and you need to send help fast, because it means he might not remember to feed me tomorrow morning, so now it matters.