Cats

Cats are so cool! I love cats. I mean I LOVE cats!! I think. I've never actually really met one. But I've seen a few. There used to be a bunch of cats that lived behind my house that I first lived in with my now-and-forever Mom and Dad. I would go back there with Mom or Dad on our walks sometimes and the cats would be there, lying around (I love to lie around!), or walking slowly (I LOVE going on walks!!). And they would poop and pee the best foods EVER into some sandy box that someone put back there. (Oh that stuff was SOOOO GOOD!!!)

And they would hunt. And I would sit at the top of the scary spinning stairs that were behind my house and I would watch them hunt. They would hunt those little grey guys who had stringy tails and who did seem to know the right place for themselves... most of the time. But when those guys forgot where their right place was, the cats back there would catch them and tell them right away. I wanted to be best buddies with all of those cats! We had so much in common.

But cats are strange, too. They don't seem to like anyone. I tried to say, "Hi!" the nicest and most eager way I knew how, but they didn't want to say hi back. Instead they got big and scary and made leaking sounds. And it made me not so sure about being their friends just right then. And plus I was usually with Dad, who was scared I'd drop our rope and he would get lost, so he would pull me back before I could tell them how much we had in common.

And now we moved to the place that Mom and Dad call Santa Monica. And sometimes I find other cats on my walks. And they look like they like to walk, and hunt, and poop yummy foods. So I try to say, "Hi!" the nicest and most eager way I know how to them too. But they don't want to say hi back either. And they get bigger and leakier, too. And plus dad still gets scared about getting lost, so that hasn't really worked out for me so far.

But when I see them from my balcony, I watch them. And I see how they slow walk and how they look at the fluffy douchebag squirrels the same way that I do. And they think about chasing them the way that I think about it, but even more. And I know we would be best buddies with so much in common. So I sing out my happy-friendly bark-song to them. But they just look at me hard and long without smiling, or twisting their heads to one side, or singing back, or coming over, or anything. Then they slow walk away.

Yeah... Cats are so cool!

The best kind

There are SOOO MANY things that I love (LOVE!) the best. But when I sit downstairs ALL DAY with nothing to do but think about them, then I start to know that some of them are better than others. Here's my list of my best things (at least until my baby-people brother or sister is born).

1. Laying in the sun/laying on my best bed: It is a tie, because both know me and know how to hold me so well!
2. Sniffing poop or something else that is stinky-good: Stinky stuff just smells so amazing! It is SOOO complex and it makes you think so hard about where all of that stink came from and how hard it must have been to make it stink SOOOO BAD! I LOVE IT!!!!
3. Getting my butt scratched: Some doggies love having their belly's scratched, but not me. I'm a butt girl.
4. Sniffing another doggie: For the same reason as "Sniffing poop or something else that is stinky-good" above, except you also might get to play pee-ball with another doggie, so this is even better!
5. A food treat: Mmmm.... I wish it were food-treat time right now! (Hey Dad! When you're done typing my blog, can it be food-treat time?)
6. Avoiding Mom or Dad when they try to get me to leave the park: Because playing the "It is not EVEN time to go yet!" game together is THE BEST!! Everyone loves it SO MUCH!
7. Someone in my pack I haven't seen for a while: Because I missed you the MOST!! Where have you been... Did you get lost?
8. A new or flying tennis ball (includes Pee-Ball): If you have read almost any of my other posts, you already know why.
9. Chasing a squirrel: Because those fluffy douche-bags are assholes and jerks and someone needs to put them in the right place for them SOOO BAD! And when I finally catch one. It is going to feel SOOOO GOOOOOOD!!!!
10. Lots of Food: Every kind of food is my favorite. But whatever kind there is the most of is the best kind! And next time you come visit me, you can bring me that kind... Because I missed you the MOST already! And I don't know why you left so soon before, because it was not even time to go yet!!

Accidental sarcasm

I pooped in the downstairs... Mostly on my bed... But a little on the floor too.

You know how it is sometimes hard to know when people mean what they say? I mean it's always kind of hard, because people don't speak doggie. But even when you think you heard their people-talk right, you still don't really know what they mean. Dad says sometimes people don't mean what they say or purpose. He says it's called sarcasm, and it is where you say what you DON'T mean, and everyone knows what you REALLY mean is the opposite of what you said -- I know. It's hard to talk to my Dad. But I asked him anyway, if he ever talks in sarcasm to me, and he said, "No, never." And since I know we were talking about sarcasm when he said it, and I know that "never" is never a true thing to say, I knew that he was just showing me exactly what he means by sarcasm and what he was really saying was "Yes, sometimes I do."

And it's true. Sometimes he says, "sit" and I don't sit, and we just keep doing what we were doing anyway - like going out the front door together, or going down the front stairs right behind him. So he must have just been saying it sarcastically. But sometimes he says "sit" and he means it. And some of these times I'm not sure, so I wait at first. And he says it again. And I wait to be sure. And then he says it louder. And I start to lower my bottom just a little bit to be really sure. And he says, "yeeeaaaahhh..." and then I sit, and he says "good dog" and I think that means that he did mean it and he was not just being sarcastic.

So what I'm saying is it can be really hard to know when someone is being sarcastic.

And so the other day -- when I told everyone my perfect four part plan for protecting my future baby-people brother or sister, and Dad typed it up and published my post, and THEN he said that I wouldn't have to poop in the downstairs (which is kind of the most important part of my plan!) -- I thought he must be being sarcastic this time! I mean he sounded like he meant it, but he always sounds like he means it. He even sounds MORE like he means it when he doesn't mean it. And he really sounded like he meant it this time, which is what made me so sure that he really didn't mean it -- which meant that what he really meant was that I SHOULD poop in the downstairs.

So I did...

...Poop in the downstairs...

...Mostly on my bed. But a little on the floor too.

And I was right about the smell! It was really stinky-strong! It really would help cover the smell of the baby. Everyone agrees on THAT. It proves it really is a good plan!!

But it turns out Dad did mean what he ACTUALLY said -- Which was NOT to poop in the downstairs.

So now I know never to poop in the downstairs again...

...Unless I know that sarcastically.

Dad versus the Vacuum Cleaner

Last night I watched an (what was it again, Dad? Epic? Oh, and Witnessed?) Last night I witnessed an epic fight between my Dad and the vacuum cleaner!

I spend a lot of time watching people and the things that they do. All dogs who live with people do. And one thing that confuses me the most, and that no other doggie has ever explained to me in a way that makes any sense, is why people keep vacuum cleaners in our houses -- and even more, why they EVER let them out of the closet once they finally get them trapped back in there!

Last night was a perfect example of what makes no sense. It was after dinner and I was laying on my newest bed and Dad was laying next to me on the floor and petting me. HEAVEN!!! And I have no idea what happened to make Dad do what he did next... Maybe it was something I did, or maybe Mom said something that I didn't hear, or maybe Dad remembered that he was still angry at vacuum cleaner from the last time they fought. But he stood up. He walked straight to THE closet. And he pulled out the vacuum cleaner... why would he do that?!

And it was a fight right away! It's like the vacuum cleaner knew he was coming, or it had been waiting all of this time just for the door to open a little crack! Because that is when the vacuum cleaner threw a whole bunch of other stuff in the closet at Dad. And then it slipped right past him while Dad tried to throw the stuff back at it. And Dad turned around just in time, because then Vacuum Cleaner threw its long tangly thing at him to try to tie him up. But Dad is a good fighter -- I told you before about how he pinned two dogs down at once! (Even though one was me, and I thought we were on the same side.) And Dad jumped behind Vacuum Cleaner and grabbed the whole tangly thing in just one hand!

And that made Vacuum Cleaner SOOO ANGRY! And it ROARED at him! And he grabbed Vacuum Cleaner around it's neck and then they FOUGHT SO HARD!!! Vacuum Cleaner kept trying to run away from him so it could get free. But Dad is STRONG! And he pulled it back!! Over and over again they fought all around the room! I wanted to help, too! I came right over but Vacuum Cleaner lunged at me! And I saw that it is not afraid and that it is strong too! And I smelled that... it... smells... like... ME!

And it doesn't just smell like me right now, but it has ALL of my smell-names at once!!! It is dirty-park smell, and it is puppy-flower-smell, and it is strong cow-compost smell all at once! And then I smelled more that it has Mom and Dad's smell-names too!!! How does it do that?! What does that mean?! IS IT EATING US ALREADY??!!!

And them Mom saw what was happening and she tried to help fight it too! She is strong and she picked up a chair to throw at it. But it must have been the wrong chair because she put it down and then she picked up another one. But it wasn't right either. And she kept picking up bringing chairs over, but then putting them down. And none of them were going to be big enough to hurt Vacuum Cleaner! And it tried to run away under the table that Dad is too big to go under, but Dad kept pulling it back out just in time! And then Dad finally choked it so much that it stopped moving and roaring.

And that is when Dad should have taken it outside forever. But instead -- and this part also makes no sense -- he carried it upstairs! Dad, WHY! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? And sure enough, as soon as he got it upstairs, Vacuum Cleaner woke up and got SOOO ANGRY again. And it roared the loudest!! And I was up there to try to help, but it kept lunging at me! And smelling like me and Mom and Dad! And I was SOOO afraid! But Dad was still strong and still brave (and just not smart, because he already beat it before and so this fight was really all his fault) and he kept fighting until Vacuum Cleaner passed out again.

And did Dad get rid of Vacuum Cleaner once and for all? No, because that would make sense, and nothing about any of this makes any sense! Dad picked up up Vacuum Cleaner and carried it all the way downstairs until it woke up AGAIN! And they had to fight AGAIN!!! And Dad is really not smart at this point, because I would have told him that is EXACTLY what was going to happen. But Dad is MY Dad, so I was still there, and I still wanted to help even though I was still afraid and Vacuum Cleaner was not. Vacuum Cleaner has no fear even though it keeps losing. Vacuum Cleaner is strong too and keeps pulling away from Dad. But Dad is stronger. And he knows how to fight Vacuum Cleaner. And Vacuum Cleaner lost AGAIN. And Dad tied up Vacuum Cleaner in its own tangly thing, and then he picked it up and carried it back to the middle upstairs... AND PUT IT BACK IN THE SAME CLOSET!!!!

And I witnessed this whole epic fight. And all I know is that Dad can fight Vacuum Cleaner the best, and that no dog will ever be able to make sense out of any of this.

Joy walking

It is RIGHT THERE! IT'S RIGHT THERE! IT IS RIGHT THEERRREEE!! Dad! There's a tennis ball right THERE!

Dad wait! Don't pull! You are not lost! Don't start panicking on me. We are still right here... And there is a tennis ball RIGHT THERE! I can't reach it. I can't REACH IT. I CAN'T REACH IT! Dad, I can't reach it. Can you get it? Can you get it? Can you reach it? Dad it is right there, can you reach it?

Maybe if I go around this way. Dad, come this way. DAD! COME THIS WAY! No, we will not get lost, JUST COME!!!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I meant - Dad, please just come this way so that I can get this tennis ball. It is right here. PLEASE!!!!

Yes! Dad you can get it. Dad, Yes! You just reach in there with your ridiculously large arms and ugly fingers! YES!!! YOU GOT IT!!!! Wow, as ugly as those things are they do come in... No. No, I didn't mean it like that! They are not ugly for YOU. They are... No, I just mean that they would be ugly on me. On ME! Oh, come on. I'm just a dog that wants this tennis ball SOOOO BAD!!! Dad can I have it? Dad can I have it? Dad can I have it?

*sigh*

Fine. I don't care. It's just a dumb tennis ball. Lets just keep walking.

Dad can I have it?

*sigh*

Oh, Dad! A PARK! Dad, it's a PARK!!! Dad, can we go in the PARK!!! I WANNA GO IN THE PARK!!! Oh sit, first. RIGHT!! I'm sitting! You always have to sit before you go in a park! Otherwise the gate will never open! I'M SITTING SOOOO STILL!!!! Yes! Gate! And... the... rope... YES! And I'm being good, Dad! I'm waiting for you to say, "Okay!" I'm waiting and I'm sitting... YESSSSS!!!!

OH!!! LOOK! A flying tennis ball! HEY!! That's the same... I GOTTA GO!!!

Bed Time

I have four beds. They are some of my favorite things in the world. They are soft and warm and I know them the best and that makes them even warmer.

I didn't always know beds or why I would want one. As far back as I can remember there's always been something soft in my home -- even in the grey sad home I lived in first had a soft thing in it just for me. But that didn't matter at first because sleeping is so easy. If you're tired you just lie down where you are and you go to sleep (as long as no one is going to play pee-ball over top of you). But the more times that were sad, or scary, or that I couldn't figure out how to know, the more I learned to know what a soft bed was for. It's for knowing where you are, or where to start, or sometimes where to start over.

Whenever Mom and Dad move us into my new house, the first thing -- the very first thing -- they bring in is my bed. Even when we just go to Grandma's house, where we stay for a short time (and it is NEVER long enough, because I love (LOVE!!!) it the most there!), the first thing they bring in is my bed. I don't need to go straight to the bed when I get to a place, but I like knowing that it is there. Because a bed will be there for you even when everyone else leaves. And a bed will hold you when everyone else is too busy to be with you. And a bed will know you even when people forget to know you.

At my house I have four beds. I have one bed in the downstairs, which I love because it is with me when peanut butter sends Mom and Dad away everyday. It sees me when I get scared that no one is there, and it stays with me no matter what. Even if I get angry or sad or scared or whatever at my downstairs bed. It still knows me and stays with me. And when I'm done being any of those things, it helps me start over.

I have a bed in the sleep-room, too. I love it, because it is my bed next to Mom and Dad all night. Also it is growing taller! Whenever I get a new bed in that room, it goes right on top of the old bed, and maybe one day my bed will be as tall as Mom and Dad's bed!

My newest bed is in the middle upstairs, where the food-room and eating place and noisy flat box are. I am still learning to know that bed, but I love it already because it is where I go to sit when Mom and Dad give me breakfast and dinner! What a great bed!!!

And my best bed is the bed all the way upstairs. It doesn't look like my other beds. It looks like the thing people call a couch that I'm not supposed to be on. But Mom and Dad let me be on it anyway. It is my biggest, softest bed, and it holds me the best no matter how I lay on it. It's where I want to be when I am the most tired, like after a long, super fun day at Doggie Goddess! I also use it when just Mom or just Dad goes away and I get worried because they might get lost without me. First, I look for them all over the house (Mostly I look for them in the garbage. Because if they were in there I might not be able to smell them right away. And also because that's where I would want to go before I go outside so that I could have the strongest smell-name!) and if I can't find them, or even if I do, I go back to this bed because it knows me the most!

But my most favorite bed of all is the bed that is not mine. It is the one that Mom and Dad sleep in. I can't be in that one, but that is where I always find them in the morning. It is where they are when they first know me everyday, and that makes it the warmest bed in my house and the one where I like to start the most.

Confessions of a sleep barker

I'm not sleeping when you hear me quiet bark in the middle of the night.

You think it's cute when I bark in my sleep, so you tell Dad, "Did you hear that? Nima's dreaming again." Or Dad, you tell Mom, "Nima's barking in here sleep again. I think she barks more in her dreams than she does when she's awake." Only I'm not dreaming or asleep. I just want to know if you're still awake. Sometimes I just want to hear your voices -- they make me warmer.

Sometimes I'm in the best bed in my house that I am allowed to be in. It is all the way upstairs. It is SOOO SOFT and I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH! But nobody else spends a lot of time up there. So that means I either have to lay down on the floor where everyone else is, or go be by myself. I don't want to be alone. But being on the floor all of the time is too much. Sometimes I pretend to bark in my sleep when I'm up there. Then I know that you hear me when you say your words and I know that you still know about me. Then I don't feel so far away anymore.

But sometimes I pretend to bark in my sleep when we're all in the sleeping room downstairs, too. I know we're all close when we're in the sleeping room together because I can hear you using your sleep-breaths... especially Dad. Then I'm doing it just to see if you're all the way asleep. If you are, then I can go to check on the gate upstairs because sometimes you leave it open when you want me to check on things upstairs for you... I like to check the garbage for stinky things or look in on the food situation in the pantry for you.

Sometimes I do fall asleep on the floor when we're sitting together upstairs. Then I wake up and I pretend to bark in my sleep again. I know you're there already. And I don't feel too far away. But, it sounds like you like it when I bark in my sleep. So I do it for you. Maybe it makes you warm inside too.

Smells like love

So apparently Dad doesn't just type my blogs for me. He reads them too. He says I won't need to poop in the downstairs because we will have "gadgets" to watch the baby when we're not right there. He also says that we won't need sticks or palm leaves to build a nest. But he did say the downstairs is the best place for a baby nest and that I'm a smart doggie. I like it the best when he says that! And then I started thinking about it more. I guess haven't met too many people-babies, before. But I know some things about them for sure already.

• They can be excited and squirmy like puppies, but they don't work as good. They are slow, they don't move very well, and if they CAN get up, they fall down right away.
• They pretend to like you so that you will kiss them. Then they sing their sad-angry songs right at you -- and right in your face -- so that you will know that it is YOU that they don't like. And later they fool you into thinking they like you again, so that you want to kiss them again. Then they sing their sad-angry song at you again. They are so good at it that you fall for it every time.
• But they are also dumber than you would think. When they sleep they are quiet and look peaceful. But then they wake up and sing their sad-angry song the loudest, because they don't know what just happened.
• Pretty much the only thing they are good at is singing their sad-angry song. They sing it when
  • There is too much going on around them.
  • There is nothing going on around them.
  • It is too loud and their ears are hurt.
  • It is too quiet and they get worried that their ears stopped working.
  • They get worried because they forgot what they were doing before... which was probably singing their sad-angry song.

But the most important thing I know is that they are soft and delicious and they smell like love.

Except when they smell like poop.

Then they smell even better.

Nesting

Since I found out my now-and-forever-Mom-and-Dad are going to add a baby to our pack, and that I'm going to be a big doggie sister, I have to start getting my house ready. Getting ready for a baby is very important -- even if it is a people baby. If you do it wrong, other animals will come and eat it. And you have to have a plan for when the other animals do find you. Because no matter how well you hide yourself and your baby from them, you still have to be ready if, no, when they do. Yesterday, when I was waiting in the downstairs for Mom and Dad to come home, I came up with a perfect four part plan.

First, you have to make a nest out of sticks and leaves. The good thing is that even before I knew I was going to be a big doggie sister, I was checking out the sticks and leaves in the neighborhood. I always pick up the biggest ones because they are the most useful. And I try to bring them all home -- or at least as close to home as Mom and Dad will let me. And they have the biggest leaves EVER here in Santa Monica! Dad says they are called "palm" leaves, because they come from "palm trees," which he says are technically not real trees. I don't know what he means by that, because that is when I stop listening to him. Anytime a person says the word "technically" to you, you can stop listening to them.

Palm leaves are the best because they are big like branches, which are really big sticks, but they are soft like leaves -- at least in some parts. And where they are hard, you can chew them open and make them softer. I know because once Mom let me bring one into the house and chew it up on the balcony. Just one palm leaf was almost enough to make a whole nest by itself!

Second, you need a place to put your nest where all the other animals can't get to it -- or at least they can't get to it easily, because you should never think they can't get to wherever you put it. If you can get there, then they can too. I'm going to put our baby's nest in the downstairs, because I've never seen any other animals here besides me and people in my pack. Also, then the baby will be with me all day and that lets me do the third part of my plan.

Third, you have to watch over it all the time. You can't sleep. And you have to watch over it while it is awake or asleep. You have to watch over it when it is eating or pooping. And you have to watch over it even when you are eating or pooping. And that brings me to the fourth part of my plan.

Fourth, you have to start pooping where you nest. For me that means I will start pooping in the downstairs. Pooping here is good for two reasons. First, my poop smells will cover the baby's smell and make it harder for other animals to find him or her. And second, I will be with the baby all the time, so when an animal does finally find us, they will have to fight me -- an angry, poop-stinky, big doggie sister, armed with teeth, claws, AND big sticks, who hasn't slept since the baby was born.

And that's a perfect four part plan, technically.

Few words

I AM NOT MOVING!!!

I'm used to moving. I moved two times even before I met my now-Mom-and-Dad. When I was really young, I moved into the dark, grey place that I did not like because there were only sad doggies there. Then I moved to the house with my first people-Mom, where I had SOOO MANY brothers and sisters and I LOVED it there. And then I moved in with my now-Mom-and-Dad, which was hard at first because I was so lonely. And then they moved me two MORE times, until we finally found Santa Monica, which is THE BEST! So I've moved a lot, and I know when it is coming. Or I thought I did, because this turned out to be something that I did not see coming...

It was last night and Dad said we had to have a big talk. I figured that this was when he was going to tell me that we were moving, again. And it was going to be bad news, because he was being really careful about telling me -- Before he said anything about a big talk, Dad and me went out on our walk and he took me to the park and we played chase the ball the MOST! And I caught it out of the air SOOO MANY times until I was SOOO TIRED. And then Dad took me to the grassy place just outside of the park and he sat down on the bench, which he never does. And he told me to sit down, so I did because he's started keeping treats in his pocket again, and that makes it the easiest to hear him. And that is when he said we had to have a big talk.

And he said that there's going to be a big change soon... And I already knew he was talking about moving, so I just let him talk. People use lots of words when they only need to use a few. They talk the longest time about just one thing. And it is hard enough understanding people, since they don't talk doggie. So it is best to let them talk through all of their words and just pay attention to the last three words they say. And that's what I did. And so, what he said was, "... having a baby."

And I twisted my head to one side and said those words to myself again. And I thought, maybe I need to listen to a few more words, because I don't know who is having a baby. Is it Auntie Kristen? Is it Auntie Myra? Then I thought, "WAIT... AM I HAVING A BABY?!!" So I tried listening again, because he was still talking (SO MUCH!!!). And now he was talking faster and his voice got a little higher and that always makes me more excited no matter what he's saying. And he was talking about Mom and how... OH! MOM IS HAVING A BABY!!! And then I stopped listening because I'm going to get a new tiny person in my pack and I'm going to get to kiss him or her every day until they scream the MOST! And who cares what Dad is saying now? I'm going to be a big doggie sister!!! And I'm not going to EVER be lonely again, EVER!!! And I'm going to teach it how to solve sock-puzzles, and how to catch with its mouth, and how to play pee-ball!

And Dad was still talking, but who cares. So I started thinking about what a tiny person is like... How they are soft and delicious, and you have to kiss them the most... but then I remembered how I made Auntie Myra's baby scream her sad-angry song after just one kiss -- and then I ended up on the balcony with the breath-through door closed. And I remembered how I kissed the little person I met on the other side of my house before that -- and how his face turned red and he scratched at it and I ended up on the balcony with the wall-way closed. And I thought what if this baby doesn't like me right away and I have to live out on the balcony all the time! Or what if Mom and Dad don't want a doggie on their balcony all the time and they won't let me stay in my house at all?!!

And I started to feel worried and less and I put my head down, and then the last thing Dad said was, "... always be our doggie." And I said those words to myself again, and again, and I started to feel all the way more again and I decided that you should really always listen to the last FOUR words a person says.

And just in case you think I'm a doggie that uses too many words, I just want to say one last thing...

I AM NOT MOVING!!!

Party Animal...s

Yesterday I told you about the party I had on the other side of my house that was SOOO MUCH FUN! And I only got to tell you about half of the party because my Dad says he is too busy to let me tell you about it all at once. And what I didn't tell you about is when deer-chicory-smell came over, which is when it got REALLY FUN!!!

Because when deer-chicory's parents saw me there, they decided that he would want to come to my party too. So they went out and brought him over. And I came right to the door to sniff, "Hi!" And I was SOOOO EXCITED to smell him and I wanted to play with him EXACTLY RIGHT THEN!!! So I did. And I did a quick spin, and I dropped down low, and I jumped back up to sniff him and kiss him. And he stood real still because I'm the best at spinning! But then he did his short growl to remind me that I didn't let him in yet. And everyone laughed and told me to back up so he could come in. And then he must have been really tired because he just walked around kind of slow and didn't try to play with me right away. But I'm a great hostess, so I kept spinning, and running around him, and sniffing and kissing him so that he would feel welcome and have a great time at my party.

And that's really when Uncle Craig and Auntie Myra came in. And I told you all about that yesterday, but I didn't mention deer-chicory because that's two things and Dad only had time for me to tell you about one. And while I was SUPER EXCITED to meet and kiss Uncle Craig and Auntie Myra's new tiny person until she screamed (which, unfortunately, was right away), deer-chicory was resting under the table, because he must have been running ALL DAY LONG! But it was lucky for him that he was, because he got to stay there when I ended up on the balcony with the breath-through door closed.

And it is hard to be a good hostess when you are locked out of your own party. But the best thing is not to make a big deal about it, because that just stops everyone from having fun. So I stayed quiet and laid down the flattest I could. Because Dad taught me that I should lay all the way flat when I want something the most. And after Uncle Craig and Auntie Myra left with their tiny person, it worked! Uncle Zak opened the door and I went straight to deer-chicory so that I could make sure he was having fun now.

And he was better rested and we sniffed each other and I could relax more because I could tell he was feeling more welcome now. And then... the best thing happened... Auntie Kristen brought out a tennis ball! And I thought, "Pee-Ball!!! That is the BEST IDEA!!!" And I'm really good at pee-ball, but it turns out deer-chicory is THE BEST!!! He uses a totally different -- um, strategy, right Dad?... Great! -- he uses a totally different strategy for pee-ball. He stands really still and stares at it from right over top of it so that you know that it is HIS ball and you better not take it away. And it worked really, really well, because nobody tried to take it from him. Except deer-chicory's Dad knows him really well and knows that he does not like his hand-box. So deer-chicory's Dad tried to win the ball by holding his hand-box out for a long time. And deer-chicory got up and walked away. So I slipped in before his dad could take the ball and I laid down on it. And everyone laughed, but deer-chicory must have figured out what I did because he came over and stared at me like I was the pee-ball. So... I... slowly... rolled... over... onto... my... back... And he is really THE BEST pee-ball player, because he got the ball right back!

And then Auntie Kristen did an even more amazing thing and brought out a SECOND tennis ball!!! GENIUS!!! Way to make it the best party EVER!!! Because I got to kiss the softest, most delicious tiny person ever AND play pee-ball with the BEST pee-ball player ever. And me and deer-chicory had the best time for the rest of the night until we were SOOO tired and had to go home.

And now I'm going to be alone all day and I will keep thinking about my big pack and my party. I'm going to miss everyone when my parents move me away. But it was great to have such a fun weekend.

Party Animal

Yesterday I told you that there were SO MANY things that happened this weekend, and I had to just tell you about one thing at a time, because Dad was too busy. So here is the next one, sorry you had to wait!

I had a party on the other side of my house AND IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!!! But it was also the most difficult party EVER!

First, I knew I was having a party on the other side of my house because Dad took me to the quiet pee place behind my house even though it was way too early to go there. Dad does that because he doesn't like me too pee too early into a party. So I was already excited and I peed the fastest I ever could! Then I ran back upstairs to the door to the other side of my house and I jumped at it -- because I forgot Mom and Dad don't like me to do that. Then they made me sit, which I did because the door won't open until you sit, so you have to sit or it will take FOREVER!!! But I still wanted to jump on Uncle Zak as soon as the door opened so that he would sing to me. It is so funny that he can sing just like a real doggie! Then the door opened up and I tried to run in to jump on ANYBODY! But Mom's hand got caught in my collar, so we got stuck outside. And I wiggled around to try to help her get free, but she told me to sit. So I did that so that she could get herself out. Then I swear I heard someone say, "Okay!" So ran in and started running around EVERYWHERE, but no one cheered like usual, so I didn't do my spin. And it was me and Mom and Dad, and Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak and there were two new people to be in my pack. At least I thought they were new, but then I smelled that one was Uncle Zak's Dad and the other was something called a Step-Mom. And I don't know why a Mom is a Step, but I do know that she was SUPER NICE and that all of this makes them my Uncle-Dad and my Uncle-Step-Mom! And I was SOOOO EXCITED to meet them!!

And then more people came in so I ran to sniff, "Hi!" And it was deer-chicory-smell's Mom and Dad from next-door, but deer-chicory-smell wasn't with them. And then before I could finish jumping on them EVEN MORE people came over! And it was my Auntie Myra and Uncle Craig who live on the other, other side of my house - across the hall from Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen. And they had their SUPER TINY person with them, and I wanted to jump up and kiss her SOOOO BAAAADDDD!!!!! And I tried to do it, but Dad started people-barking at me. And I pretended he didn't meant it for me, but then he people-barked again as soon as I tried it again, so I knew he was still watching. And I sat, but not quite all the way, because it made me too far away from the newest person in my pack and I NEEDED to sniff her SOOOO BAAAADDDD!!!!! But Auntie Myra wouldn't put her down low enough.

"OH COME ON!!! PLEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!!" I thought to myself -- And it worked!! Auntie Myra lowered her tiny person down so I could sniff her... and she smiled at me, and I... I just had to... I mean, you just have to... kiss her, because she is SOOOO SOFT and DELICIOUS!!! But she didn't like it! Or she didn't like me!! And she started yelling a really loud-sad-angry song. It was SO LOUD it made my ears hurt! And I still wanted to kiss her more, but she was too far away again, so I tried to stand up taller. But somehow, I ended up outside on the balcony and the breath-through door was closed.

And then I had to watch my whole party from out there! Until Uncle Craig and Auntie Myra and their new tiny person left and someone opened the breath-through door. And I'm sorry the tiny person didn't like me. I kissed her right on the face like you're supposed to. Oh, she was SOOOO SOFT!!! I still loved kissing her the most!

And that's only half of my party! But Dad says he has to go and I have to finish telling you more later. And you should come back, because there are still SO MANY more things to tell you!!!

And when you come back, you can bring food, too. Every kind is my favorite!!!

Not again!

There are SO MANY things that happened this weekend, so I have A LOT to tell you about. But Dad says he doesn't have the most time to write it up in one post, so I have to just tell you about one thing at a time. So here is the first one:

I might be moving.

The day before yesterday Mom and Dad started packing. They took a bunch of the stuff they usually put on themselves to make them look different each day out of their put-away places and they put them all into bags -- LOTS of bags. I watched them really closely and I saw everything they were doing... After they packed them up, they took all of those bags away and they didn't bring them back! Maybe they are already moving them to the new place. Or maybe they are just getting rid of stuff before they move the stuff we will keep. They didn't pack any of my stuff yet, but the last two times we moved this is exactly how it happened. First their stuff gets packed up. Then it disappears. Then they put my stuff in the car and we drive away. It could be to some place near by, or it could be some place very, very far away. I won't know until we stop going.

I'm pretty sure I'm moving.

Yesterday, Dad went upstairs to the put-away-place where stuff goes and never moves again. I watched him up there, too. He took a lot of stuff off of that place and packed it up. Now there are big empty spaces in the put-away-place and a lot of stuff in bags on the floor next to it. This is EXACTLY how it happened the last two times we moved! Stuff gets packed up, then it stays on the floor until people I've never smelled before come and take it away.

I might be moving very far away!

Yesterday, after Dad packed stuff up, we all went for a walk down to the beach. Usually when we walk at the beach, we just walk out a while, then we turn around and walk back. But this time, we walked out and stopped. Then we sat there and just looked at the beach the longest -- like we were never going to see it again. I'm worried that the new place will not be as good as here. Maybe it will have no fuzzy ground for me to lick when I get too sick. And maybe I will have to be in an even smaller downstairs when they go away all day -- one with less light, or no light at all!! And maybe it will be too far from the park and Doggie Goddess and I won't get to see BigFunGuy, or ReallyFunLady, or TotallyCoolKid, or the rest of my pack there EVER!!! And I don't know if Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen will move with me. They live on the other side of my house now, but they didn't in the last two places I lived. Where will they go when my house is gone?!

I hope you can still read my blog from my new house, because people always change stuff, so one thing I know for sure is that even more things will be happening.

Pedi-Pedi

Beyond any doubt, beyond any hope that it would not be true, I know now that my Dad is evil.

I am a doggie that LOVES(!!!) to go outside. And I love to go into the car, because I get to go somewhere different, and fun, and the smelly-best. Today, I got to go to the doggie food store. That place has all of the best smells there are! And they have tennis balls, and rubber kongs, and chew toys, and squeaky toys, and doggie beds, and kitty litters, and best of all doggie foods! I like it best when Dad takes me into the doggie food space and lets me sniff all of the bags!! OH, I WANT TO LIVE THERE!!!!

So when we pull up to the doggie food store, I am SO EXCITED! I will run around the whole store and smell everything this time! I'm going to pull a squeaky toy off the shelf myself this time! And this time, I will jump up into the treat bin, roll in it to pick up its smell-name, and then eat EVERYTHING!!!

But I know the right door to go into the doggie food store. You go up the stairs and right into the space with the metal-smelling carts. So I know right away that Dad isn't taking me in the right door. He's taking me into the door where the doggies are all scared and barking too much! He knows I don't like THAT door. He knows I don't want to be in the room behind THAT door!

The room behind the bad door has walls only people can see over. But I already know what is behind those walls. I've been there before. Fear is behind those walls. Torture is behind those walls. The people who take your fur and your nails away are behind THOSE walls.

There is a way out -- there is another door. It is a good door that takes the best doggies from the scary place back into the good place. I've used it before. I pull Dad toward the good door, but he tells me to sit. I pretend I can't here him. He talks to one of the bad men behind the people-only wall. I pull Dad toward the good door. He tells me to sit like he means it for real, so I can't pretend. He tells me to lay down. I am laying down facing the good door. It. is. right. there. Dad is not looking. I get up and pull Dad toward the good door. He pulls back. I'm too late! The bad man found the secret door through the people-only wall. Dad gave me away!!! Bad man takes me behind the wall and Dad is gone! Bad man put me on the table. DOGGIES CAN'T BE ON TABLES!!! I am afraid! I am fear!! My neck is tied. My paw is in the bad man's hand! He's going to snip me!!! Everything goes black...

I'm alive. I can see now. I'm on the floor with Dad. He takes me through the good door! It just was a bad dream! Dad wouldn't give me to the bad man! Dad wouldn't let anyone take me behind the people-only wall!!

I'm in the doggie food store! I'm going to run around the whole store and smell everything!! I'm going to pull a squeaky toy off the shelf myself! I'm going to jump up into the treat bin, roll in it, and then eat EVERYTHING!!! But Dad doesn't let go of my rope. He takes me to the doggie food place and just takes a bag off the shelf without me sniffing it. He takes me to the toy space and picks a toy himself! He walks me right past the treat bin and doesn't even look at it!!!

I feel less. I look down... my nails... ARE GONE!!!

There is no doubt. There is no hope that it is not true. My Dad is evil.

Street treats

I'm not from here. I'm from far away. My now-Mom and Dad put me and my stuff in a car and brought me here a while ago. And I love (I mean I LOVE!) living in Santa Monica. The just right air makes it easy to go for long walks, and to play in the park, and to play outside at Doggie Goddess every day! And sometimes I go on long runs down near the ocean that smells like food with Mom and Dad, too. But there is something that is not as good here as it was where I used to live, and that is the street treats.

Where I used to live it was more crowded with people when I would take Mom or Dad on walks. And the people were friendly and would whistle and "tch, tch" at us. And they would stand on the sides of the street and eat the best smelling foods! And sometimes they would drop their food on the ground for me to have street treats later. There could be spicy meats, or french fries, or chocolate somethings, or things I don't know the names for. But my always favorite was chicken bones.

Chicken bones taste just like chicken, but they are crunchy too! And best of all they have a special yummy surprise inside. Dad says it is called "marrow" but I just call it, "more please!" And even before I had my first chicken bone I knew already that they were the best. Mom and Dad would always fight me for them. And even when I got one in my mouth (Mmmmm... I can taste them right now!) and would chew them up the fastest, Mom or Dad would grab my mouth open and pull out all of the crunched up bits. They NEVER do that for anything else! That's how SUPER GOOD chicken bones are!!

When we go on walks now, I sniff everything so that we don't get lost. I also sniff all the pee-smells so I can know my neighbors and what they know. But mostly what I'm thinking when I'm sniffing everywhere is, "Where are the chicken bones?!" Because so far I have not found any chicken bones in Santa Monica, or at the beach near Santa Monica, or at Grandma's, Doggie Goddess, or anywhere else since we moved here. People here just aren't as friendly as they are where we moved from. Or they are friendly, except they won't share their food. Or they LOVE chicken bones as much as me, and they always eat them all the way up! Yeah, that makes the most sense. All the people in Santa Monica and everywhere near here eat chicken bones until they are all the way gone. I start to get angry at them for not sharing more, but if I had a chicken bone I'd do the same thing as them. So when I think of it that way, I guess I'm just like everyone else here. So maybe I'm not from so far away after all.

Sock Puzzle

Woah, woah, WHOA! You are putting my tennis ball inside your sock... Now you're twisting it and... putting it inside the sock again! I want it!!

Now let me see... Where did the tennis ball go? I can still feel it inside this sock ball when I bite it... so it must be inside! But how do I get it out? What if I toss it in the air like THIS!!! No. LIKE THIS!!! Hmmm.... nothing came out. Is it still in there? Yeah, it feels like it when I bite it. Maybe if I bite it harder! No. HARDER!!! AND CHEW IT!!! No. Still just a sock ball.

Maybe I need to bite on this bump on the side. Oh, and shake it really hard! REALLY HARD!!! Hey, now I have more sock!!! But the ball feels like it is still inside. WHAT IS THIS THING?!! I can still feel the tennis ball inside. I can smell it there too. So it must still be inside... Maybe if I put it down and JUMP ON IT!!! Woah! That is tricky to land on. Okay, maybe I should bite this bump side of the sock ball, while I stand on the sock part over here... and... and PULL... AND PUUULLLLLL!!!!

Oh, I heard something ripping!! That's gotta be good. Let me shake it HARD AGAIN! REALLY, REALLY HARD!!! AND TOSS IT!!! AND JUMP!!! Ugh. Still mostly sock ball. I still smell the tennis ball inside. TENNIS BALL! DO NOT WORRY! I WILL GET YOU OUT!!! Bite the bump, paw on the sock part over here and... PUUUULLLLLLLL!!!! Yes! More ripping!! SHAKE HARD! Now bite bump, stand, and PUUUULLLLL! I SEE TENNIS BALL!!!!! SHAKE!! BITE!! PUUULLLLLL!!!!!

YES!!! I DID IT!!!!!!!! TENNIS BALL YOU ARE FREE!!!!

Tennis ball, you should try to be more careful so you do not to get stuck inside of a sock again.

Knowing Shoes

People put on different things everyday to make themselves look different. But the most important thing they put on is what they put on their feet. Dad says they're called shoes. He says that's also what you say when you want someone to go away. That makes sense because I always see people put on shoes before they go away. When I was younger, I wanted to chew all the shoes up, so that Mom and Dad would never go away. But that didn't work because they have SO MANY shoes! And also because they started putting them where I couldn't get them. But after a while I figured out that if I just watched which shoes they put on, then I could know more about where they were going and how long they would be gone.

The best is when Dad puts the old smelly soft ones on. That's when I know I'm going out, and that is the BEST! Whenever I see him put on those shoes, I jump and spin the most, because I might even be going to the park! And that is even more the BEST!!! Mom has old soft shoes too, and they mean the same thing. When either one of them put those shoes on, I don't even wait for them to tell me where we're going, I just start stretching, because that always feels best before a long walk or play in the park.

When Mom or Dad put on the open-top ones that clap on their feet, I'm almost for sure going out too, but it will just be for a walk. Those kinds of shoes never make it into the park. But it is still good when they put them on, because then I can sniff all my streets and catch up with my doggie neighbors through their pee-smells. Now that Dad put me on the Facebooks, I know that the pee-smells in my neighborhood that doggies put there are just the same as the things people post on the Facebooks. It's all stuff about what someone is eating or drinking, or where they just were, and who is somewhere with someone else at the same time. Doggies started doing it way before people, but I'm glad people have a place to do that now, too!

Those are the two best kinds of shoes, but I get excited when they put on other ones too. Dad says I am an always optimist, because I always say the best is about to happen next. So when Mom or Dad put on their long, narrow shoes -- which means that they're going away for a long time -- then I think, maybe this time, this shoe will mean that I get to go with them! And I jump and spin so that they will think so too! But even when I don't get to go with them it is still the best, because it means that I get to go downstairs with peanut butter!! There are lots of other shoes that mean they're going out for a shorter times, and that I won't get to go with them. I sometimes get peanut butter then too, but if just one of them puts on one of those shoes and the other one doesn't put on any, then I know that means only one of them is going out and I will stay home. And as much as I love (LOVE!!) going out, and I love (LOVE!!) peanut butter, the thing I LOVE the most and is when I know that Mom or Dad will stay home with me.

When my house sleeping

There are people who walk by my house in the middle of the night... Normally, I am a doggie that likes people right away! But when everyone in my house is asleep, you need to stay away from my house. When everyone in my house is asleep, if I don't know you, then I do not like you. And you can stay away from my house.

There are people who walk by my house in the middle of the night... And they come too close to my house. You will know if you get too close to my house, because you will hear me angry-bark at you the LOUDEST! Because you just woke me up, but everyone else is still asleep. So you should be staying away from my house.

There are people who walk by my house in the middle of the night... They go into the big plastic container out front and they take out the glass things inside of it and they bang them together. Yes, I hear you loud people who are too close to my house. I know exactly where you are. You are too close. Do you hear ME now? Loud glass-banging people, you need to get away from my house!

There are people who walk by my house in the middle of the night... They sound sick right outside of my house. Sick people outside of my house, you are WAY TOO CLOSE to my house! And you had way too much stuff that makes you sick. Go away and stay away from my house!

There are people who walk by my house in the middle of the night... they come up the stairs right by my sleeping room to leave something at the top of the stairs. They think I don't hear them. But they woke me up and everyone else is sleeping, so they to GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!!!

Oh... Mom and Dad are awake now. It's okay, you can be by my house. I like you SO MUCH ALREADY!!!

Do you have food?

What you can learn in a fight

You can learn a lot in a fight.

Yesterday, Mom and Dad came home and I took Dad on our evening walk. It was cloudy with some sunshines, and it was just the right warmness like it usually is... As much as I wished we had stayed in Flagstaff, Arizona (where the tree-things and the ground under them smelled SUPER NICE!!!), I think Mom and Dad did a pretty good job picking Santa Monica. It is always nice here too, and that means I can go to the different parks and play outside almost every day.

And as we made our way on our walk, I sniffed all the spots, because Dad still does not do that. I found a dead tennis ball in the gutter and I grabbed it out of there quick. I took it because dead tennis balls can still be fun, and that is no place for a poor tennis ball to be left behind. And we kept walking until we got to the park that is not really a park. It is a big grassy yard next to a place where little people sometimes go, but not at this time of year. No one was in the not-a-park, so Dad opened the gate, took the tennis ball, and threw it up in the air the highest EVER!!! I chased it and caught it and I ran the fastest in every direction I could think of. And Dad and me were running, and I jumped and ran more, and I wanted Dad to chase me the MOST!! And I wanted it to be like this FOREVER!!!

And then the mean tiny dog and the lady that can't protect herself from other doggies that don't even care about either of them anyway came into the not-a-park. And the mean tiny dog was barking her angry bark-song already when the can't-protect-herself lady took the rope off of her. And mean-tiny-dog ran straight towards Dad and me and kept angry-barking the whole time. And me and Dad ignored her, because we are playing and having the BEST DAY EVER and don't need anyone else. But mean-tiny-dog was scared that we would hurt can't-protect-herself lady (who was now SO FAR AWAY that we couldn't hurt her even if we wanted to), or was angry that we were having so much more fun than she could ever have with can't-protect-herself lady, or was just mean and nasty and needed to get nipped real bad! And she kept angry-barking and getting in my way and I told her to stop it, and LAY OFF, and GET AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE YOU ARE MEAN AND NASTY AND YOU NEED TO GET NIPPED REAL BAD!!! And then finally, can't-protect-herself lady got mean-tiny-dog to listen to her calls from far away and leave us alone.

So Dad and me got back to playing and running and jumping and I wanted Dad to chase me the MOST again. And then mean-tiny-dog came right back and angry-barked and got in my way again. And after I told her she better stop for real and she didn't, I nipped her like you're supposed to do. And she still didn't listen and she nipped me back like I was the one doing something wrong! So I told her that she was a bad, mean, nasty doggie and was too small to mess with me and my Dad! And then she got even meaner and tried to nip me harder!! And then Dad helped me throw off my collar and... What? No, Dad, just let me tell the story... and then Dad helped me throw off my collar and then I only remember what happened next in flashes, because it was a real fight! There's a flash of mean-tiny-dog biting me!! And a flash of Dad kicking at mean-tiny-dog!! And another flash of me biting mean-tiny-dog!!! And then Dad was on top of me and holding me down hard while he was somehow holding mean-tiny-dog down hard at the same time!!! And then FINALLY can't-protect-herself lady came up and said that she had this now.

And then they went to a far away part of the not-a-park and sat there. And Dad put my collar back on and I guess our MOST FUN DAY EVER was over, because then we left the not-a-park and walked home.

And from all of this I learned that can't-protect-herself lady really can't protect herself or anyone else, that Dad can pin down two doggies at once (at least if one is a tiny dog that isn't very good at fighting and the other doggie is on Dad's side) and mean-tiny-dog is a dumb doggie that picks fights she can't win, but still gets what she wants because somehow she got the whole park to herself.

Suntime

When you are a doggie raised by people who don't know how to be a doggie, then sometimes you don't know how to do the things that a doggie needs to be able to do...

I love (LOVE!!!!) to make new people friends, and new doggies friends, and go to parties, and to not be by myself. But sometimes those things are scary too. Sometimes I don't know what another person or doggie is going to be like. Maybe they are not going to like me back, or maybe they are even more scared than me, or maybe they will be mean to me! If they look scared, then I don't know what they are going to do, because scared people and doggies don't always think right. So no matter what, I try real hard to be a new person or doggie's friend fast. But sometimes that can make them even more scared and then they can be dangerous. And if they are dangerous, then that can make me scared and then it gets hard for me to think, too. Other things can also be scary. Loud clap sounds are scary. And being left all alone is very scary! All of these things make it hard for me to think. And when I can't think, then I don't know what is a right thing to do and what is a wrong thing to do.

I need to know how to not be too scared. But sometimes a thing that feels like it is going to help ends up making me feel worse. Chewing something feels the best at first, because you can chew whatever it is as hard as you are feeling scared inside. You can bite it the hardest, and rip it open and chew up all the little bits. And when you do it as hard as you feel scared then that kind of feels like balance. And balance feels sort of like being calm, which feels less like being scared... When I was younger and Mom and Dad left me alone at home, I would chew everything I could get my mouth on. I would chew wood things, and plastic things, and metal things and things that were taped back together. I even chewed up a whole roll of tape to try not to be too scared. And even now, when Mom and Dad leave me alone I still want to chew things, and sometimes I do. But chewing doesn't make it better for long. When you're done chewing you're still alone and you're still scared, and now you don't have anything left to chew so everything is out of balance again. And then you feel even more alone and scared, because the only thing you could think to do didn't work, so then what?!

I'm still looking for new things that can make me feel less scared. But one thing that helps is Suntime. It can happen whenever there is sun and wherever I can find it. It happens at the park, and on my balcony at home, or in my house when the sunbeam comes to visit inside, or at Doggy Goddess in the outside and in the upstairs. I have to look for Suntime, but it is not too hard to find. So it helps me start to think again, because it is not so hard a think that I can't do it even when I am scared. Suntime also makes me slow down, because I have to stay -- or better yet, lay -- in one place to do it. But I also have to pay attention to Suntime, because it can sneak away slowly. It is like it is moving and not moving at the same time. And paying attention to it can make it easier to not pay attention to what was scaring me, and then I can stop thinking about what was scaring me and calm down, which is one thing every doggie needs to know how to do.

Surprise Happiness

It happened AGAIN!!! I got to go to Doggie Goddess and not come back!!! But I didn't know it was happening because it happened different this time.

Always when I got to Doggie Goddess it starts with BigFunGuy coming to my house and then putting me into his car with the other happy singing doggies. And... I don't know about you, but I like to ride in cars. I once rode in one for a lot of days and ended up living in a whole different place! I also like riding in cars when the rides are not as long. Almost always I end up in a really great place like my Grandma's house, or the beach that is near Santa Monica, or to the place call The Vet, where there are lots of different animal and food smells... Or to Doggie Goddess. But I only go there when I'm in BigFunGuy's car.

Except this time I got into the car with Mom and Dad and Dad said I was going to get a surprise. But since I didn't know what it was going to be, I thought, "What good is that?" But it turns out a surprise can be really good because we ended up at Doggie Goddess. And I did not know that could happen in my car too!!!! And when I smelled that I was near Doggie Goddess I was SOOOO HAPPY!!!!! But Dad didn't know we were there yet and he drove past it and I wanted to jump out of my window, but it was too small. So I sang my whiny bark-song to tell him he messed up. Then he stopped the car and we all got out. And I was even happier because I helped find it and I was going to be with my Doggie Goddess pack! So when the car door opened up I jumped out and pulled Dad the hardest right to the wall-way. And Mom opened it up and we all went inside.

And getting there is the best! Because my pack is SOOOO big and they are SOOOO friendly. And they all bark "Hi!" to you right away the loudest. And... you know how at the park everyone is so tense and sometimes they are even mean to you when you get there? And they treat you like you've never been there before even though you have a lot? And it is because they've all been waiting all day just to get to outside, so they still have too much inside in them? Well Doggie Goddess is just the opposite of that. Because, the inside and the outside are together there... There's an inside that is all the way inside. And there's an outside that is behind the inside and you can go back and forth as much as you want! And even more the best -- there is an upstairs on the inside that lets the outside come right in!! I KNOW!!! IT IS AMAZING!! And because of that everyone has just the right amount of outside and inside in them. And everyone there treats you like they missed you the most, and that makes you miss them the most back. So when the next doggie comes in, you are so happy to see them and you bark, "Hi!" the loudest.

And I ran in and I sniffed hello to everyone and then I ran to the upstairs to say hi to the sunbeam that lives there. And I played all day except when I laid down under sunbeam, which was whenever I got too tired. And then I was surprised again, because ReallyFunLady said I could sleepover with her and BigFunGuy and TotallyCoolKid and the rest of their pack. So I did that too! And then I played with everyone again the next day until I was just SOOOOO TIRED that I couldn't hardly stand it.

And then BigFunGuy put me in his car with the other sleepy dogs to take us each home. And then I heard BigFunGuy tell ReallyFunLady that he hoped my Mom and Dad had a happy anniversary. And I was surprised again because I remembered that Mom and Dad didn't sleep over with us. And I don't know what "anniversary" is, but I know what happiness is, and I hoped that Mom and Dad always have at least as much of it as I do.

Thank you

You left the gate open last night. So I went into the pantry and ate a lot of dog food.

I'm pretty sure that's what you meant for me to do. Why else would you leave the gate open, when every other night you close it? Also, the pantry is at the back of the food-room that you always people-bark at me when I go in. But when I went in there last night, after you fell asleep, you didn't people-bark at me. So that means that it was okay for me to go in there, right? And the bag of dog food I found in the pantry was closed, but I was able to open it, so that must have been okay too. It wasn't the dog food you give me everyday, so I figured this was a special treat for tonight. And I didn't eat all of the dog food. There was this big plastic cup in the bag that got in my way too much. After I ate a bunch of the food, it got too hard to eat around it. So I thought that must mean that I should stop there.

I also slept upstairs all night.

When I was done eating so much (SO MUCH!!!) food, nobody said I should go downstairs, so I thought maybe you wanted me to stay upstairs. So I went all the way upstairs and I slept on the really comfortable bed up there. I didn't want to mess up bedtime for you guys, so it seemed like the best thing.

And I didn't tell you any of this before breakfast today.

After our walk, you guys seemed really busy -- playing in the sinks, and then putting all new stuff all over you, and then making and eating your own breakfasts, and then making my breakfast with the usual dog food. Also you wanted me to do all that stuff last night, so you already knew about it. I'm just trying to help you out.

But what I didn't do last night after I ate all of the dog food, or slept in the upstairs bed, or this morning after I ate my extra breakfast is say thank you, until just now.

Those little grey guys with fluffy tails

Ugh!!!

Those little grey guys with fluffy tails... Dad explained it to me so I know it better now... Those little grey guys with fluffy tails are not assholes... They are douchebags.

The think they are the best. They hop and wave their tails, because they know you will not chase them, because you are tied to your people. But when you get close so that they are afraid anyway, then they yell at you through their noses. They say, "No! No! NO! Go Away! I wasn't waving at you!!! I swear I wasn't!!!" But everyone knows they were. They were waving their tails at you on purpose. And when (no, Dad, not when)... And if you start to leave them alone, they laugh and say, "Ha, ha! That is a stupid doggie tied to a lost people and I was waving at you all the time! Stupid Doggie!" And I hate (HATE!!!) them the most (EVER!!!).

And yesterday I was at the park, and I was catching a tennis ball out of the air, when I saw that blue-bean-smell was looking the hardest up the round-tall thing people call a tree. And blue-bean-smell was pointing with his whole body. And he was really still and he was body-saying, "Everybody stay calm. I'm just going to catch this little grey guy with the fluffy tail and put him in his right place." And so everyone got really excited and ran right over!

Then it was me and blue-bean-smell, and old-collar-smell, and wet-paper-smell, and meat-breath-smell (which is the best smell-name EVER!!! I am SOOO jealous!). And we sang our angry bark-songs at the little grey guy with the fluffy tail... (Or douchebag, right Dad?). And we all wanted to put him in his right place SOOO BAD!!! And we all tried climbing up the tree but none of us could do it... You can say a lot of bad things about the fluffy-tailed douchebags, but you also have to say that they are REALLY GOOD tree climbers. I wish I could do that too! Then I could get all the tennis balls that Dad throws into the trees.

And the fluffy-tailed douchebag was afraid and he yelled at us, "No! No! NO! Go Away! I wasn't waving at you!!! I swear I wasn't!!!" But really he was and we were not fooled!!! And so we all agreed that we would stay there until he tried to come back down or until he stopped being a douchebag forever. And we all wanted to take the first watch, because we each wanted to be the one to put him in his right place. And I told everyone that I would take the first watch, because I... and that's when Dad decided that he needed to go home. And he came and grabbed my collar, attached the rope to me, and pulled me away from the luckiest douchebag EVER and made me walk him back home.

And I kept looking back because I wanted to see someone put that fluffy-tailed douchebag in his right place, but all I kept seeing was other people who must have decided that it was time for them to go home too. And I swear I heard that fluffy-tailed douchebag say through his nose, "Ha, ha! Stupid doggies tied to lost people. I was waving at you all the time!"

Ugh!!!

Think different

Dad said I might want to write about differences between people and doggies. This idea made me twist my head a little and stare at him, because he must be crazy. There are SO MANY differences! How could he not know?! Then I thought maybe he thinks I don't know, so I looked at him deeper because he was calling me stupid and I am not! And then I thought that Dad knows I'm not stupid, so maybe he thinks there is something that doggies notice, but people don't -- Like how doggies sniff everything, so they know where they are. But people don't, so they can miss things that are right in front of their noses.

So I spent the whole day thinking about it and I think that most of the difference that people don't know is just from one thing: Doggies live with what they find, and people change what they live with.

People are always moving things around. I see Mom and Dad bring things in, move them around, and take them away again. They move water out of the pouring things over the sinks and put it in a plastic water holder and then make it sit there. Later, they move the same water into a hand-bowl before they drink it. People change things all the time too. They bring food home and they hide it. Later, they bring it back out and mix it together until it smells and tastes different. They make it light inside when it is dark outside. They make the air inside warmer or colder than the air outside, too. They even change the way they look by putting different stuff all over themselves every day!

Doggies move themselves around instead of things. When we don't live with people, we look for water, and food, and a place to sleep when we are tired. When we do live with people we look for water, and food, and a place to sleep when we are tired -- we just don't have to look as far when we live with people.

The doggie way makes sense, because once you get what you want and need and what more is there? The people way can be good too, though, because it CAN be too warm or too cold outside. And sometimes food CAN taste even better after it is mixed and made different. (I never would have guessed you could make food taste even better! It was ALREADY food, how could it get better?!!)

But the problem with the people way is that people can forget WHY they are changing things. And then people are just changing things to change them. And if people are doing all of this changing with the stuff in front of their faces, then what they are doing with the stuff on the other side? Do they know that their inside can be already the most? Or do they think that it is only the most if it is different from how it is now?

So it is a good thing that doggies know people and people know doggies. If we watch each other, we can learn new things and think about them differently. Doggies can live with people, and stay in the best air, and get more and better food. And people can live with doggies, so they never get lost behind their noses.

Old School

***Walks onto the doggie bed. Picks up the bone. Starts rocking side to side***

Yeah... Yeah... Trying to catch a beat

Yeah... Trying to ca... Trying to catch a beat

I got four ready paws, I don't need no feet

I'll jump up on anyone try to take my beat

And when you leave me alone at home all day

Turn the radio on: old school rap KDAY

Yeah... I think I caught the beat

Yeah, Yeah... I think I caught the beat

Fill a rubber kong up with the scent of peanut butter

Then you make a dog wait just to see what she will utter

But silence of the lambs fills your ears with pain

Watching a doggie drool drives your brain insane

Waiting for a snap and the voice to say: "Okay!"

While playin' in the back is old school rap: KDAY

Yeah... You know caught that beat

Yeah, Yeah... You know I caught that beat

People making dinner: chop, slice, and cook some meat

Now they're gettin' sloppy: it's dropping to their feet

Slide into the food-room: I can help clean up that mess

People-barking starts, tryin' to make me feel like less

Make a quick retreat, but my tail is still waggin'

'Cause I'm Nima-Dog, Yo! You know this bitch ain't flaggin'

Yeah... trying to get that meat

Yeah, Yeah... I'm trying to get that meat

Yo my pack ain't fakin', we roll deep into the night

If you're walkin' past my house, get ready for a fight

I'll drop my angry bark-song: fill your heart full of fear

Make you pee onto the ground: drop, roll, and disappear

Yeah... That's how you know you got beat

Yeah, Yeah... Yo, you just got beat

***Drops the bone. Walks off the doggie bed***

Notice that?

You know how you don't pay attention to how much of something there is until you finally notice it for yourself? A couple of days ago I met a small person at my other side of my house. She was not the first small person I've met, but maybe because I met here on the other side of my house, I noticed something new: I can hear other small people on the other side of my wall that does NOT go to that same side of my house. Maybe I heard them before, but I didn't understand what I was hearing. But now that I met this one small person, I know what I am hearing. I am hearing small people on a new other side of my house... And the small people I am hearing are REALLY, REALLY LOUD!

So I am noticing two things: there's another other side of my house, and small people are loud. Really loud. They scream and thump up and down stairs (there are stairs on the new other side of my house) and they run inside of other side of my... you know... like I do. But because small people are clumsy they not as quiet as me when they run - so they ARE loud and they RUN loud. And I'm just noticing that there can be SO MANY of them! I don't know my small people sounds very good yet, but right now I can count at least four of them in the room on the new other side of my house just by hearing their different screams (I am noticing that small people scream a lot!) and by counting the different screams on my paws... So I am also noticing that you can fit a lot of small people in a little place.

And I notice how they can ALL scream at the just same time... And how that makes them the loudest EVER?!!! Usually, I am sleeping at this time, so I am noticing A LOT that they are screaming and thumping THE MOST!!! And I noticed before that the one small person I met had small ears, but they must all have REALLY, REALLY small ears, because they don't seem to hear THAT THEY ARE SCREAMING SOOOOO LOUD!!!

And I notice what I do not hear too. I do not hear small people on THIS side of my house. And I notice that this makes it quieter here. And I notice that I like it quiet because it makes it easier to be calm, to finish my blog-post, and to fall asleep at...

This guy

Who is this guy on the noisy flat box? He makes his body talk just like a doggie! Look! He can body-talk like a big, strong doggie, or like a doggie that is less. How does know how to do it -- He looks just like regular people?!

Most of the time I just ignore the flat box. You can't smell anything on the noisy flat box, so it is not real. It is just pictures that keep changing and loud sounds that I don't like. But now I see this guy who can doggie body-talk and I want to know if he is real or not. I want to know if he smells like people or like a doggie. I want to know if he can see me body-talk back.

Dad says this guy is called the dog whisperer, but I say I can hear him just fine. Dad says he doesn't know what he smells like, but he thinks he lives nearby. So maybe someday I will meet him for real and I will sniff his butt and know him by his smell-name. And if he sniffs my butt back I will say that he is really a doggie inside that just knows how to speak people.

Cesar Millan @cesarmillan #cesarmillan

Smell-names

Yesterday, Dad did it again. He took my smell-name away.

I know that Mom and Dad don't like my smell-name sometimes. I hear them say I am stinky. (No, that is not MY smell-name.) I hear them tell each other to stop petting me, because it makes my smell-name come out more. (Yes, that part is true.) And I hear them say, "Nima needs a bath!" And when they say that I hope that they will be too tired to do it, because I work hard to make my smell-name. It takes a long time to put one together, and you know that if you go out with the wrong smell-name it can be big trouble for you!

If you have a good smell-name -- one that says you are strong or tough or scrappy or know where to find food or things that make you sick with super powers -- then other doggies have to respect you. They will know that you are important and that you can be a leader or a good helper. But if you have a bad smell-name -- one that says you are weak or afraid or never leave your house or don't know how to do anything -- then other doggies will not respect you. They will know that you are a problem or a weakness for them and they will hate you and chase you away... or worse.

I work hard to make a good smell-name for me. On our walks, whenever I smell the fresh ground that people put down on the grass sometimes, I try to roll in it right away! At the park or at Doggie Goddess, I splash water out of the bowl and then lay down in it. Then I dig up the ground and roll in it all over! And I play pee-ball as hard as I can. I do all of this as much as I can, because I want my smell-name to stay on me as long as it can!

And because I work so hard I was finally able to get everyone to know me as cow-compost-smell! It is a good name, because it is a strong name that says I am tough and scrappy and know lots of ways to eat things to get sick with super powers. And doggies know right away that they should respect me the most!!!

But Dad has ruined it in the worst way! Not only did he take away my strong smell-name and replace it with a weak one, he made me feel less at the same time! So now my new smell-name is my real name. First, he saw that I did not want to take off my strong smell-name, because I crouched down the lowest. But he came and picked me up -- which tells me that I am tiny -- and carried me into the big bowl that I cannot get out of... because I am too tiny. Then he put the water with no smell on me, and he scrubbed the slippery stuff that smells like fake-flowers deep into my fur. Then he soaked me more in the water with no smell and rubbed it all in with the big cloth-things. Then he picked me up and carried tiny-me out of the big bowl.

And now it is terrible, because when I go out everyone will know me as flower-puppy smell. And I need to find some freshly put down ground, or a bowl of water and some old ground to dig up and roll in quick, because that is a very weak and small smell-name, and it will be big trouble for me.

Persistence

I want to sleep in the big bed.

You see how flat I lay down at bedtime. You're the one that taught me to lay down flat when I want to ask people for something. See me? My face in on the ground! I want to sleep in the big bed, so bad!

You won't have to give up the big bed. I'll take whichever side you don't want. I'll sleep in the middle if you want. I'll sleep at the very top or all the way down at the bottom. I just want to sleep in the big bed!

I know it is the BEST bed even though I never got to be in it even once. I know it is better than the best bed I can be in which is way upstairs. Why else would you guys sleep in the big bed EVERY NIGHT, while I have to sleep in the low small bed on the ground. I really want to sleep in the big bed!

You bring me downstairs for bedtime, but then you sleep apart from me. Packs are supposed to sleep together! So you know I can't go back upstairs to the nicer bed, but you won't share the big bed with me. You should let me sleep in the big bed!

I want to lay in the big bed! I want to roll in the big bed! I want to sleep-kick and sleep-run in the big bed! I want to sleep-bark and snore in the big bed!! I want to drool in my sleep in the big bed!! Oh, PLEASE let me sleep with you in the big bed!!!

Complications

I live in a complicated house. The ground is so hard I can't dig it, plus there is ground at three different heights. In the all the way downstairs ground are the bedrooms (one is for Mom, Dad, and me, and the other is for the other people in my pack when they come over). There are also sinks that Mom and Dad play in, the flat place that I can reach that used to have stuff for me to chew, and the really big bowl that Dad sometime uses to take away my smell-name (I HATE that bowl!). In the middle ground is the food-room (or kitchen, right Dad?), the downstairs balcony, and the room with the flat noisy box on the wall. And in the upstairs ground is the best bed in the house that I can be in (it is SOOOO NICE!!! Thanks for letting me lay in it all day, Mom!!!). And also the upstairs balcony that lets me go to the other side of my house when the wall-ways are not all closed.

The other side of my house is complicated too. It has all the different grounds too, but instead of Mom and Dad it has Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak. Today, Mom opened the wall-ways to the upstairs balcony, and Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen opened the wall-way to the other side of my house, so I came over. I'm not sure why, but my Auntie and Uncle mostly stay on that side of my house. I think it might have something to do with how people don't ever pee at the same time. Maybe if Mom, Dad, Uncle Zak, and Auntie Kristen all stayed on the same side of my house, they'd run out of time for peeing.

But no matter what I like it the best when all the wall-ways are open. Then my house becomes twice as much! Also, then I get to see my Auntie and Uncle, and sometimes, like today, I get to check new people for my pack. Today, for my pack, I checked two big people and one person who is small like a puppy -- and I found out that small people can be complicated, too. They are excited and squirmy like puppies, but they don't work as good: they are slower, they don't move very well, and they fall down a lot. Just like puppies, they like to be kissed on the face the most. But not like puppies, they run away as soon as you start doing it (then they run back, then they run away again -- see, it's complicated!). And when I kissed this small person (as much as I could because that is what you are supposed to do), her face turned red and she started scratching it a lot. Then, I don't know why, Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak put me on the balcony and closed the wall-way. Later Auntie Kristen opened the wall-way again and the new big people and the one small person were all gone... so I don't think they are going to be in my pack.

But I like my Auntie and Uncle so much (SO MUCH!!!). So I stayed to cheer them up. I showed them how to spin the fastest! (The trick is to lower your butt the lowest.) And I showed them how I can catch a tennis ball in my mouth!! And I think they were feeling better then. And Uncle Zak brought out banana, who said, "Sit." So I sat down, because I love (LOVE!!!) banana so much!!! And then banana laid down in front of me and said, "Wait." And I waited because that is what it wanted me to do. Then banana said, "Okay, Nima." And I jumped up and ate it all up... But maybe that is not what it meant for me to do, because then, I don't know why, Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak put me on the balcony and closed the wall-way. I tried asking them why through the door, but they didn't answer. Maybe, it was too complicated.

Pet peeves

Have you noticed how people don't have right manners about so many things? Like sometimes they are too busy watching their noisy flat box to answer you when you say you want to play bouncy ball? People do a lot of things that are just rude. Here are some other ones that I notice the most.

• Food hogging. Don't even get me started on this one. I could go all day!
• Bed hogging. They only use one big bed for themselves, but they will only let you use the small floor bed -- even though there are more big beds that nobody is using at all!
• That short hissing sound ("Shhht!") they sometimes make instead of people-barking. Ugh! That sound just stays in your ears forever!!!
• Keeping the toilet lid down. All the coolest water in the house is inside of that thing! Would you PLEASE remember to leave the lid up so I can get to it?
• Sniffless greetings. Not only do people not sniff your butt when they meet you (Hello! I'm right here!!!), they also use the rope that is supposed to keep them from getting lost to hold you apart when you try to meet a new doggie the right way. I think they're afraid that they'll end up following the wrong dog back to the wrong home.
• Inside-in interruption. This is when they stop you from trying to get your insides back in after they came out. Hey, people! I can clean this up myself -- I'm not a total puppy!
• Pet peeves. They call things that bother them pets, and they call us pets, too. That just hurts.

Chocolate

I still want chocolate.

Mom and Dad say that I'm not supposed to have chocolate. They say it is bad for me and will make me sick in a bad way. They can eat it in front of me, but they never give me any. And even when I ask for it the nicest, they people-bark at me and don't give me any.

But I still remember the time when I ate SO MUCH chocolate when Mom and Dad were gone. And it tasted SOOOO AMAZING!!!! And it did not make me too sick, I swear! And it gave me STRONG super powers. And I've wanted it again, forever since!!!

I told Dad I'm sorry that it made me bite his hand harder than I meant to. We were just playing and he said he still didn't bleed! I also said sorry because it made my poops too easy. And I said sorry that I messed up bedtime, because I kept running under the bed and trying to stand up... over and over again. It was my first time trying chocolate and I didn't know it would give me so much energies!

But I know how it works now. And I'm a lot older this time, so I know how not to bite too hard. And I've been thinking about it a lot (A LOT!!!). And I'm sure if I just have less that I won't poop so easy or mess up bedtime.

I know people are not supposed to give a doggie chocolate, but someone could just leave it on a lower shelf, or in the downstairs on the flat place that I can reach. Or it could fall on the ground when someone is eating some and they could not notice that. Or if someone ate some, they could not notice they still had some on their hands or face and I could kiss them because I'm so friendly and that would be okay, too.

But if no one leaves out any chocolate, it's okay. Someday, I might not want it anymore. Someday, I might not worry that I won't get to have it ever again... forever. Someday, I won't think about the most rich, creamy, sweet, complex flavor that I ever had, EVER!!! Someday... Someday, I... Someday... I will still want chocolate.

Love and Hate

This morning I remembered that I hate Dad the most! I HATE HIM!!! Because he puts the stuff on my back that makes me hurt and sting and burn so bad! (SO BAD!!! DAD, WHY?) And he is the meanest because he waits so long since the last time he did it that I forget. But as soon as I hear him call my name, I know again that I am going to hurt so bad and that I hate (HATE!!!) him the most!!!

And when he calls me I don't want to go. I try to sneak past him - I hold my tail and head low so he won't see me and I want to walk slow and up all the stairs to my best bed in the house so he won't find me there and will leave me alone. But he always sees me.

He sees me before he calls my name and he knows already that I am going to hate him and want to sneak past him. So he calls my name again, but he says it so that I can't sneak past him. He says it in the way that tells me that he sees me no matter where I am. And he knows where I am going to go and he says to "come here" in the voice that says you have to come here now. It says I know you hate me, but I don't care. So you have to come.

And you sit, even though you don't want to sit, because he said sit. And he puts his pain stuff on you. And for a minute it doesn't hurt or burn or sting, and you start to think maybe this time... maybe this time it won't... But then it starts. First it is just warm and that is okay. Then it is getting too warm. Then it burns the most! SO MUCH, DAD!!! And then the burning has stinging in the middle and you can't sit still. You have to move and go somewhere... ANYWHERE! And maybe you can wipe it off so you wiggle around, but it won't come off and it just makes it burn and sting more! WHY DAD?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND?!! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO BAD???!!!

But then you hear something else. You hear food saying you should come here. And food says it nice and this time you come because you want to come. And food says you should lay down and wait and try to calm down. But you don't feel calm and you don't want to lay down. But food says you have to. So you start to lay down, and wait, because food is being so nice (SO NICE!!!) and you need that the most right now. And food waits for you to put your head down, but it is so hard because you still feel stings and too warm even though you are trying to be calm for food. But then you put your head down and start to feel calm and then food says, "Okay, Nima!" And you get up and eat it all up, because you love food so much. (SO MUCH!)

And you know that Dad put the food there so maybe he is not the meanest ever. And maybe it is possible to hurt and burn and sting but still be calm. And maybe it is possible to hate someone the most and still love them too, because they can be nice through food when you need it the most.