Old doggies

Old doggies are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

When you meet an old doggie, they look at you like they know you... Like they know all about you even though they've never sniffed you before. They know the most about what you like, what you want to do, and what you're going to do next - even before you've thought of it! That's why they growl and nip at puppies. They already know that a puppy doesn't know not to chase them. So even before the puppy sees them - maybe ever before they see the puppy - they know they need to teach the puppy about them right away.

And because old doggies know you before they even see you, they can tell you all about yourself without even saying or doing anything! I first learned I wasn't a puppy anymore when I meet an old doggie and she just looks past me and slowly walked away. She knew I already knew not to chase her, even though I wanted to play with her the MOST! And later I learned I was an all-the-way grown-up doggie, when I met another old doggie on my walk and he came up and sniffed me, even though he didn't have to! I was so excited and honored that I peed the MOST for him all over the sidewalk!!

And an old doggie doesn't just know about you, they know the MOST about everything! That's why they move so slow - because they already knew what is going to happen next, so they already got to where they needed to be before it happened. Most of the time they don't even have to move at all. They just stand where they can see everything happening just the way that they knew it would. And the best is when two old doggies get together, because they don't sniff each other or say anything. They just look at each other like they just talked about everything that there is already!

And that's also why you can't surprise an old doggie... because she already knew you were going to do whatever it is you were going to do even before you did. But if you try it anyway, and she didn't want you to, she might just surprise you like you were a puppy.

Grown-up doggie

My Mom and Dad say that I act just like a puppy. And that's true, but it's also not right. Everything is SO new, and exciting, and confusing to a puppy. And I still love (LOVE!!!) almost everything like a puppy can - I love new things, and people, and doggies the most!! But most things are not new to me anymore, because I know things way more than a puppy does.

I told you yesterday how confusing even walking down the street can be to a puppy, because so many things move like they're alive even when they're not. And even now I can get fooled by a silly plastic bag that slowly stands up and then walks down the path when the wind makes it do that. But then when I feel the wind too, I know again that it is just a silly plastic bag... Then I run and jump on it anyway because that is still SO MUCH FUN!!!

And I know lots of other things, like where my food comes from (the small room behind the food-room), and where my water comes from (the thing that carries it from the thing that pours it out of the wall), and I know when to stay away from Dad (when he calls my name like he wants me to go into the big bowl that steals my smell-name). And there are SO MANY other things that I know that a puppy doesn't. And that all means that I don't have to be as confused, or worried, or scared as a puppy can be. But it doesn't mean I don't get to play the most, or get excited when I smell a new person or doggie, or dance when it is time to go outside!

Being a grown-up doggie is THE BEST! Because it means you know how to calm down, but it also means that you don't have to. And it means that you know what's wrong, but you can still get to play at not being right.

First thing

I used to be a puppy.

When you are a puppy, everything is new and confusing, but exciting at the same time. When I first started taking my now-and-forever Mom and Dad on walks, we used to find all kinds of things that I never saw before! When you are a puppy it seems that everything (EVERYTHING!!) moves! And you don't know which ones you're supposed to chase yet, so you try to chase all of them - because how else would you find out?

And on a walk, there are lots of things on the ground that move but are not food or might not even be alive. There are leaves that fly onto the ground and then start running all together at the same time! And there are hard things that fall from trees that you can chew - but you spit them out because they make your tongue taste like it just turned inside out. And there are hard stones that you thought weren't going to move, but then your Mom or Dad kicked them and all the sudden they are running away from you! So you catch them in your mouth, but you can't chew them at all, so out they go, too. And there are also sticks that don't move until you get right up to them and your Mom or Dad steps on them and then they jump and make a snap sound at you, like you're supposed to do something right away - but you don't know what it is!

And there are cars that are SO BIG and can move so fast, but they can also stand so still. And when you're a puppy you don't know how to tell one from the other. So sometimes you can't tell if the car is moving or if you just started walking backwards. And that makes you try to run forward all the sudden because you are trying to catch up with yourself.

And there can be so many other people and doggies, and you want to play with every single one of them THE MOST!!! And they all want to play with you the most! And they let you spin around in front of them, and jump up on them, and pee in front of them SO MUCH!!!

Unless they are an old doggie. If they are an old doggie, then they will growl at you. And they will look over top of you and walk away. And if you chase them, then they will turn and nip at you. So the first thing a puppy learns is that an old doggie is a thing that moves, but you're not supposed to chase it.

Crazy scary hard

Do you notice how people are always saying that something is "so hard"? I hear them say that running can be so hard, even though it's more like just walking fast. And they say that waking up early is really hard, even though I like it the best! And I even hear people say that just sleeping can be SO HARD. And I guess it is, because if you are a person and you don't do it right, you aren't supposed try it again until the next night! I call that silly-hard, because it is hard, but is doesn't even have to be. None of these things are hard for a doggie, but that doesn't mean it's easy to be a doggie, either.

Most people know the things that are all-the-way too hard for a doggie - like opening the wall-way or turning on or off the inside-lights, because we're not tall enough and because our paws don't wrap around things the right way. But there are other things that are really hard for a doggie that people don't think about. And the thing that is most like that for a doggie is walking down the stairs... Walking down the stairs is scary-hard for doggies!

And if you are a person - which you probably are if you are reading this blog-thing - you probably think that sounds weird. Because for a person, walking down the stairs is SO EASY! You guys only walk on your back paws, which most of the time seems silly to a doggie, because it makes you so slow and clumsy. But when you walk down the stairs, or even sometimes run (actually REALLY run!) down the stairs you make it look SO EASY AND FUN!! You can even carry the biggest things down the stairs at the same time - things that can be so big that a doggie can't even move it across the room!! And that is CRAZY, because a doggie can't do any of that! We walk on all of our paws, so carrying stuff is hard. And usually walking and running on all of our paws is the best, but the stairs are SO steep and SOOOO short, that it can actually scare a doggie just to think about doing it!

When you are a doggie walking downstairs, your head is so low that it can be lower than your back paws - or even your front paws! You are almost walking upside down!! And at first it feels like you are going to fall over and all the way down the stairs. No that's not right... It ALWAYS feels like you are going to fall over and down the stairs! It took me FOREVER to learn how to walk down stairs. And back then there were even scarier stairs in the back of my house where I used to live. Those stairs made you spin in a circle AND go downstairs at the same time!!! Can you imagine doing that upside down?! That is just CRAZY-SCARY-HARD!!!

If you want to see how hard it is to walk down stairs like a doggie you should try it for yourself. But my Dad says I have to tell you to "consult a physician" first... I don't know what "consult" means or what a "physician" is, but you better do it because I am already telling you that this is crazy-scary-hard!!

Food that is not really food

I always tell you that if you're coming to see me - if you're going anywhere where you might see me - you can bring me food. And it's true! I LOVE food! And I would love to get some from you! But I just found out that there is one kind of food that I don't like. I'm not really sure it is food at all, except I saw Mom and Dad eat it too, so what else could it be?

Dad calls this thing that is supposed to be food "lettuce."

He put some on the floor for me to eat, which I love (LOVE!) the most!! Because he always does that with the best foods - like the yellow-super-sweet-and-soft-chunks or the orange-less-sweet-but-crunchy-sticks. And just now he did the same thing with this "lettuce" like it is supposed to be sweet and yummy food! So I asked for it the MOST by lying down like you have to before you can have food that Dad or Mom puts on the floor for you. And he snapped, "Okay!" So I jumped up and ate it up with my mouth right away!

Or at least I tried to, because when I put it in my mouth it laid down too flat on my tongue and almost disappeared. And I could still kind of taste it, but I couldn't chew it because then it started to hug my tongue too tight, and that is something that food should NOT do! And I also wasn't sure if I was tasting it or not, because I could only taste tree in my mouth. I've tasted tree before when I chewed up the big tree leaves that are like branches so I could make a nest. So I would know if I had eaten tree - and I had NOT eaten any tree, so what was that about?!

And I checked to see if Dad was laughing at me because sometimes he likes to play at me. But he was not laughing, he was just looking at me with his head twisted just a little bit to one side. So I tried to like this little tree leaf, but I just couldn't and I couldn't even swallow it because it was hugging my tongue like it loved (LOVED!) me the most, even though I did NOT love it back. So I had to scrape it out the front of my mouth and put it back on the floor.

And I felt bad because it is rude to give back a gift - especially a food gift. But since this food gift is not really food, then I guess I shouldn't have to feel really bad.

So if you're coming to see me, or might just maybe see me wherever you go, PLEASE bring me food that is real food and not called lettuce at all!

Baby rules

It looks like Mom's doing a great job making a baby to add to my pack. And I don't know how long it takes a person to make a baby, but I do know that you can never be ready too soon... Actually, I don't really KNOW that, but it seems like it can't be wrong. And anyway, I keep hearing everyone say to Mom and Dad that their lives will never be the same. And that means that things are going to change. And as long as we're changing things, I think we should make some things clear right now. We need new rules around here, and I think these ones will work the BEST!!

• If you drop it, it should be mine. ...Or at least up for grabs. Babies are really clumsy. They drop things ALL THE TIME! You don't have the time to keep up with that, and you shouldn't have to! Who does this baby think he is making you run around and pick up after him?! If he wants it so bad, he'll learn to hold onto it. In the meantime, I am happy to do my part to help pick up after him.
• Everyone feeds themselves (except the baby of course). It really pains me to see you have to work SO HARD to make dinner for yourselves, AND THEN clean up everything, AND THEN make dinner for me. That is just too much! And it is going to be even more work when that baby, who doesn't even know where to find the food, much less feed himself, gets here. I've been watching how things work. I know where you keep my food. You just need to leave the lid open and not angry-bark at me when I go through the food-room to get it. I'll let you know when we need more.
• I get to pick through the garbage. This one is all about saving you time and effort. I see how much work it is to pull that big bag out of the trash can and then carry it outside. And it's going to fill up even faster when that messy baby gets here! I can help you keep it from building up too quick by taking care of the stuff that isn't all the way dead yet.
• We get new baby gates that doggies can open. You're not going to want to let the baby run around the house where you can't see him. So that means you'll need to put up more gates like the one I can't open at the top of the Downstairs. But keeping him in sight shouldn't mean stopping me from getting to the garbage or the food bin when it's time for me to do my part to help you. Yep, just thinking of you on this one.
• I get to be on furniture. Hey, we're all in this together! Now's not the time to worry about little things like who's sitting where.
• No more angry-barking at me. I heard from the other doggies at the park that babies suck at sleeping. I'm pretty sure this can't be true, because sleeping is the easiest thing there is. On the other paw, I do know that people make easy things like sleeping really hard when they don't have to be. And when no one is getting good sleep, people and doggies get angry. So let's just take a minute and catch our breaths before we snap at each other. If you think you need to angry-bark at me, that's a good sign you just need to get more sleep. Besides, if we are following all the new rules, there's really no reason left to angry-bark at me.

Backwards blog

I'm back in my own blog! And what a weekend I had! It was the BEST TIME with Uncle Corey and Auntie Christina! I didn’t EVEN KNOW it was going to happen! ...Because nobody told me it was going to happen... Not even my Mom and Dad, who you think would tell a doggie that they were going to go away for SO MANY days, before they left! But I hardly noticed they weren’t here because I was having so much fun without them!!

And it really was the BEST, because Uncle Corey came over first and it was a super fun surprise! And it made me think that we were going to have another party that I love (LOVE) the most!! And so I started it right away when he came in by showing him how I can spin is a circle SO FAST! And then I stopped and dipped down low, so he knows right away that it is time to play!!! And then it is time to run around the couch while Uncle Corey says something that sounds like, “Alright, alright.” But I think it just means, “Blah, blah. Party!!!!” And so then I jump on a tennis ball and make it bounce so high that I need to play-bark at it, because that’s what you do that when it surprises you! Even I have to do it and I don't even like my voice because it sounds so funny to me.

But it wasn’t a party yet, I guess because we didn’t set up for it yet. So I took Uncle Corey for a walk and showed him all the places he should sniff in my neighborhood. But he didn’t sniff them because he is not too smart just like all people. And then after we got back Auntie Christina came over and I thought it was time to party so I showed her how to be the most excited EVER!!! But it still wasn’t time to party yet, because we hadn’t had dinner yet, so I waited for them to finish dinner and then feed me dinner and... And I just have to ask, what is the deal with feeding a doggie last? My dinner is the easiest to make and I can eat it and start getting the party ready if you just feed it to me already. I can even help you finish yours quicker, because, c’mon, we all have other things we need to get done, right?!

And after dinner we played tennis ball bounce and toy pull until I didn’t realize that this wasn’t a party-party, just all this fun with Uncle Corey and Auntie Christina. But that was even better! Because there can be so many people at a party that people don’t know to play with me. And then they stayed! For day after day! Which was good because Mom and Dad still didn’t come home the whole time and didn’t even leave food and stuff out for me to eat while they were gone so long!

And even when Uncle Corey and Auntie Christina would leave, it was still a party because then Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak would come play! So it was Uncle Corey and Auntie Christina, and then Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak, and then Uncle Corey and Auntie Christina again, AND THEN it was Uncle Zak and Mom and Dad!!! And it was like it was a party but just spread out the MOST!!! And I had the most fun without Mom and Dad while they were gone that I hardly noticed they weren’t here the whole time!

But I’m glad they’re back, because right when I realized that they were gone, I backwards-missed them SO MUCH!!!

Juno Dog Blog

(A guest post by Juno Dog)

Mmmm-hey, I’m Juno, today’s guest poster for Nima’s blog. And... *sniff*sniff*... and I... *sniff*sniff*... you know you smell a little like Nima... yeah, I know that. But I’m just ...*sniff*sniff*... you have a little of her park smell-name about you... *sniff*sniff*... It’s a nice park... it smells like she’s doing well.

So I’m Juno, I used to be a sometimes-pack-friend of Nima’s. And Gracie, who did this guest-whatever thing yesterday, is in my forever-pack. And I’m going to help with Nima’s... whatever this thing is... because I’m pretty sure I’m going to get a bacon or pizza treat if I... Don’t shake your head. I can... No, you should just stop shaking your head... I definitely smell pizza on you...

So about being a doggie... you know you should try it because it is a pretty sweet gig. You get to pee and poop wherever and whenever you want – pretty much all the time. And you can always get all the food you want, because your people have it right in their hands and they are always so lovie with their food. And you get to clean up all the drops and spills that Gracie misses. And you get to angry-bark at people at the front wall-way with Gracie, and make them jump the highest! And that’s extra fun when you’re a short doggie like me. Because people don’t usually jump so high when I have to do it by myself.

But sometimes being a doggie can be hard, because your people won’t take you outside and far away from home often enough. And when they do take you outside, they might bring too many people along when you just want to go for a walk by yourself. So sometimes you just have to wait for your chance and slip away… and that should be a pretty sweet time, except your people come looking for you too soon, so you don’t really get to enjoy it enough...

You know I kinda need to pee, so maybe we could wrap this up. You want to give me that little piece of pizza you got there, or should I just go ahead and pee right... Mmmm-yum! ...good choice.

How is this working?

(A guest post by GracieDog)

I still don’t… I just think it and you write… what… everything? So where is Nima? I want to see her... I want to help too, so tell me again… And it goes into people… and when do we start… oh… OH!

Hi! I’m Gracie! I get to help Nima with... I miss Nima. Oh Nima! You should have come too! I could have shared my bed again! And…

Oh hey! Can you just pet me for a minute again… yeah… and scratching… YEAH! And,… oh, a little more okay? YEAH… can you keep… oh, you can’t tap the thing at the same… well just a little more petting then, okay? YEAH!!!

Nima’s Mom and Dad are staying at my house this weekend, so Nima’s Dad said that I could help Nima with her blog – whatever that is… But I don’t get it…how does this work if Nima isn’t… Wait, is Nima here? NIMA!!! I…NIMA!!!!

Oh, she’s not here. Then what is this for? So she can… OH! What it’s like to be a doggie! Well I know all about that…

Being a doggie is hard. You can’t just pee and poop wherever you want all the time… just sometimes. And you can’t always get all the food you want even when your people have it right in their hands, because sometimes people are jerks… but just sometimes. And sometimes your people will try to take you outside and too far from home when there’s not enough of them with you… and that can be hard, because if they get lost you won’t be able to get back inside your house by yourself, so you should always bring lots of extra people when you go outside!

But being a doggie can be great too! Because you get to sit and sleep whenever and wherever you want all over the place! And you can be the most helpful in the kitchen because you can help clean up all the drops and spills! And your most important job is to angry-bark at people at the front wall-way. I love that job! I’m the best at it when I do it to the shadow-person who climbs on my front-house-deck and pushes the papers through my front wall-way. He can jump so high, sometimes!

Oh, wait! Please scratch me for a minute behind my…YEAH! And, no please don’t stop yet… a little more… Ahhhh…

You know me and Nima were sometimes-pack-friends until she and her Mom and Dad disappeared for so long. And she could come over to my house and she was the best at playing F-O-R-E-V-E-R! I mean it. I mean… she was almost TOO MUCH fun, sometimes. Because you could never sleep when she was here. But I liked her funness and missed her when I stopped seeing her at all. Is she coming soon? Wait, can she hear me now? HI! HI NIMA!!

Oh she can’t… then I confu… I need to lay down. How is this working, again?

Hide and seek

Sometimes I lose Mom or Dad at the park. I get excited and I run to get a tennis ball down the hill. And it turns out that it is a chewy-wet one, which I love the most! So I run to my laying place next to the big tube and I lie down and chew it the best!! And if it's a really good tennis ball, I like roll and rub in the dirt because that just feels even more the best!!! But then I remember that Mom or Dad are here too, and I wanted to play with them. And…

Well you know how people all look alike from far away? They’re all standing at the top of the hill and they’re too far away to smell all the way apart. And people are really all just tall, narrow poles with heads on the top, so who can tell? And they’re just standing still, so you can’t see which one moves like Dad or like Mom. That’s when I lose them. And I look at that person, and then that person, and then that person, and I can’t tell which one is Dad or which one is Mom. And then finally, someone waves in a way I know, or makes a sound I know the best, and then I can see them again, and I run to them the fastest before I lose them again.

So I guess if you want to hide from a doggie the best way is to just stand still… and then try your best not to smell so much.

Can you hear that?

Do you hear that?

Because Mom and Dad act like they don’t hear it. And I’m hearing it the MOST! And they NEVER seem to hear it. They just keep sitting there or lying there when the sound starts like they don’t hear it at all! You can hear it, right?

It’s the one that comes into your ears from different places. It comes in when the lights that are not from the sky go on. It comes in when the thing that blows air goes on. It comes in when the flat noisy box starts yelling. And it comes in the loudest when the [vacuum cleaner] starts to roar! You hear THAT, right?!

You know how most sounds don’t live very long. They run in and out of your ears and you don’t know where they go next, but you can at least know where they came from. But these sounds… these pin-thin whispering, but sometimes screaming sounds… They grab onto your ears from the inside and they stick there, and they stay the longest! Eventually, they might get sleepy and go quiet, but then they can wake back up and start whispering their long pin-thin sounds again… until they fall asleep again. Seriously, you can’t hear THAT?!

I’m going Upstairs. It’s quieter up there.

What you already know

I'm just going to tell you, because you've probably been wondering already. And if you live with doggies at all, you probably wonder about this the most. And you're reading my blog so I love (LOVE!!!) you so MUCH!! So the answer to you question is yes...

All doggies think about eating their people.

Ahhh! I feel lighter already! It's true, though. We can't help it. You already know we think hard - and I mean really hard - about eating other animals. If you've ever seen me, you've seen me eat bugs - sometimes right out of the air! And if you've ever walked with me, you know I want to chase those fluffy tailed douchebags SOOOO MUCH! And mostly I want to put them in their right place for them. But I also want to eat them. At least one of them. But really a lot of them... I'm sure that's no surprise.

But when you're just laying around the house, and you see your people just laying around the house, or you see them eating their food, but not feeding you yet, then you can't help but think... what would I do if they stopped giving me food? I mean my Mom and Dad are the best - THE BEST!!! And they would NEVER not give me food on purpose. And I would never really eat them even if they did stop feeding me! But when I'm laying there hungry and smelling all that food. My mind just starts to think... what if they just ran out of food? I mean if that happened, then they wouldn't have any food either. And we'd all be hungry... And laying around the house together... I mean... If it came to THAT it would have to be one of us! So... I could eat Dad. He's a little on the lean side, but he's tall and there's a lot more meat on him than on a whole bunch of fluffy tailed douchebags. If he were sleeping and weak because he was hungry, I could eat him.

Or I could eat Mom. She looks more yummy. And she's also got a lot more meat on her than a bunch of fluffy tailed douchebags. And either way it would be a fight! They're both strong, but I'm the fastest. So I'd have to wait until they were weak and sleepy, but not so long that I was weak and sleepy too. I'd keep my strength up by eating bugs until I got my chance. Then I'd eat'em both up at once. That would be the best way.

But, I mean that's all just thoughts in my head. I would never, EVER actually do it. My Mom and Dad are the BEST! And I love (LOVE!!) them the MOST!!! I just think about it sometimes is all. All doggies do... When you're eating and we're waiting to see if you will share some with us... we think about eating you.

Well I feel much better now... Oh, and by the way, were you going to eat all of that?

Sniff this

Hey Dad! Sniff this!

Um... No thanks, Nima.

No seriously! It is REALLY AWFUL! You're gonna HATE this THE BEST!

Yeah, I'm going to take your word for that, Nima.

No way! You HAVE to sniff this!! I promise, you'll NEVER forget this smell!

Well... I shouldn't but... WHOA-WOWWA!!! That is... WHA... That is... AH...

I KNOW! Words can't describe it, right?! IT IS SOOOO COOOOLLLL!!!!

Nima, that is... incredibly heinous and repulsive and it makes me very sad inside at the same time. And it makes me want to tell everyone I know that I love them, because life is too short!

Wow. Okay... I guess you found some words...

Why, Nima? Why do you sniff things like that? What makes THAT so cool?

What, did you not just see yourself? You were alive SO MUCH! And plus now you and me are the same more than before. We both smelled it. We both know it!

Huh?

Every doggie knows that when you sniff something, you don't just smell it. You bring it right inside your head! So it's like you ate it! No... it's more than that... It's like you joined with it! No... it's even more than that... It's like you made of it yourself! Yeah, when you sniff something the right way - when you sniff it really good and hard - you make it all over again inside of you! And you smell it over and over again so you know it the best and forever.

Soooo.... I'm going to know THAT smell forever?

YEAH! It's just like what you told me about people-words and blogs and books and stuff.

THAT smell is like blogs?

No, sniffing is like blogs. Because you said that when you read something, you don't just see the words, you say them inside your head to yourself. And you repeat them inside your head. So that when you read something - not just see a picture of it, or watch it on your flat, noisy box - you are actually making those thoughts inside your head for yourself.

I said that? I mean... Yeah, I said that.

Yeah! And that makes you know whatever it is you're reading THE BEST!!

Yeah, but...

And if you and someone else read the same thing, then it's like you both know it the best together, and that makes you both more the same as each other!

Okay, but...

But you know that I can't read,... so...

So... you made me sniff THAT, so that we could be "more the same."

Yeah! Oh, and I didn't just make you sniff it - I made it, too! So you and me could sniff it together! And now you and me are WAY more the same as each other!!

Okay... I really wish I could tell you to clean this up.

Yeah, but we should really leave it for Mom to sniff too. Don't you think? Smell you later!

Nima no words

Wordless Wednesday Blog Hop!

Nima no bed

What. Just. Happened.

Is this a dream? Everything feels real, but not real. It is just not right...

It started getting strange when peanut butter told me to go outside on my balcony. It never tells me to go there! And right after it said I should go to the balcony, Dad walked out the front wall-way. But someone had closed the see-through wall way to the balcony so I couldn't go with him! Why would someone do that?! And right then... or right after I finished eating peanut butter up... Dad and some people came into my house, but I couldn't sniff them because I couldn't come in from the balcony.

Hello! I'm out here! Come say HI to me!! I love you already!!!

But Dad and them went Upstairs and carried big things back down. I couldn't smell them from the balcony and I couldn't tell what they were carrying.

Hello! I want to help! I... Hi! Can you just open the wall-way?

And then they took it outside and I could see them from the balcony. They were down on the street and they were putting whatever-it-was into someone's car that is not mine. I sang them my sad-bark song because I wanted to sniff them and what they were doing.

HI!!! I want to help too! Please come say Hi back to me! Hi! I'm out of peanut butter!

And it happened again and again. They kept taking big things out of the Upstairs and putting them into the car that is not mine.

WHO ARE YOU? WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITHOUT ME??! I want to carry big things to the outside, too! Hey! Do you have any food?

Then they were gone - not Dad, just the people I couldn't sniff. And Dad came back in and Mom FINALLY opened the see-through wall-way. And I sniffed around but everything was the same. I could smell the new people a little bit. But I couldn't know who they were or what they were doing here. Strange, right?

And sometimes it gets strange around people when you're a doggie. So the best thing to do is to make sure you're people scratch your butt, so you know they still know you, and then go find your best bed and lay down in it.

Only I can't find my... it was right here... This is the place for it... I can still smell it!

Is this a dream? Everything feels real, but not real. It is just not right...

What. Just. Happened.

Lovie doggies

I love (LOVE!) lovie dogs the MOST!! Most doggies I know are lovie doggies... I'm a lovie doggie, and we love everything THE MOST!

In the morning when I wake up, after I lick my bed, and my paws, and my... and other stuff, I love (LOVE!) to visit Mom and Dad. When I was younger, I was SOOO EXCITED to visit them right away that I would find them and lick them the earliest! And I everyday I would be even more excited to visit them right away and I would get up earlier and earlier and lick them awake! And they loved it the most too, because they would scratch my head and let me lick their hands and then get up, and then they would let me take them for a walk. But one day, when I got to where I was getting up even before the day was up, Dad didn't scratch my head or let me lick him. Instead he just rolled over and fell back asleep. And it was such a clear way to say that he didn't want me to take him for a walk just yet that I LOVED IT THE MOST!! And I went back to bed and slept some more, which was THE BEST!!!

And in the afternoon, on days when Mom and Dad are out being lost because they left me behind when peanut butter told me to go downstairs, I love (LOVE!) to find something to chew up! When I was younger, I would find the chewiest things and pull them into the middle of the room. And everyday I would figure out a new way to open them up! And sometimes they had more chewy things inside that I could bite into pieces, and other times I could find the stinkiest things and chew them up even more!! And once I found where Mom and Dad keep my breakfast-and-dinner-food and I ate the most that I could reach. It was TOO MUCH, but I still couldn't stop because I loved (LOVED!!!) it SOOO MUCH! And everyday when I was all done chewing things up, Mom and Dad would come home and set up the room for the next day of fun!! There's not as much for me to chew up during my left-alone-times now, but that means I get to take the longest naps, which is THE BEST, too!

And at night, after I watch Mom and Dad make dinner (but mostly Mom, because Dad sits in front of his tapbox too much when he should be paying more attention to making dinner, so we can all eat sooner) and then they eat and THEN I eat my dinner, I love (LOVE!!!) to go Upstairs to the best bed in my house that I can be in. When I was younger, I didn't used to have such a nice bed just for me. I would have to lay in the soft-fake-choking-smelling beds that Mom and Dad would put on the floor for me. And whenever I would get one, I would love (LOVE SO MUCH) to tear it apart and pull all the fluffy out of it and spread it across the room!! Then the whole room was my bed, which was THE BEST!!! But with the best bed in the house that I can be in I don't have to take it apart because it smells the BEST EVER and it is already SO BIG, I couldn't possibly make it any bigger!

And that's what it's like when you're a lovie doggie. Because everything you can do is THE BEST! But the most best is being with your pack, and food, and treats, and toys, and running, and Mom, and Dad, and peanut butter, and Uncle Zak, and Auntie Kristen, and Uncle Corey, and Auntie Christina, and Uncle Diallo, and BigFunGuy, and ReallyFunLady, and TotallyCoolKid, and Grandmas, and Granddads, and everyone who is a person I have ever met or not!! Everything! Except those fluffy-tailed douchebags. I hate them the MOST! But I love (LOVE!) chasing them, so that's THE BEST too!

Lazy doggies

There are some doggies who can be so lazy. They don't hate anything, but the only thing they love is nothing.

I love to play the MOST! Especially, when I wake up in the morning or after a nap, or when I go to the other side of my house, or when I meet someone new, or when I'm waiting for something to eat, or after I have something to eat, or pretty much every other time. I just especially love to play any time! But not everyone loves to play with me. I already told you about doggies that are haters. They don't want to play with anyone. They just want to help you die sooner. And I told you about doggies that are hyper. They'll play with you, but they never know when to stop... Not even when you're too tired to play anymore... that's why they are hyper. But there are other doggies that don't like to play at all either. They also don't like to run or walk or bark or even breathe... They do breathe. They just don't like it.

At the park, they come in and sit down right by the gate at the top of the hill. They lay down in the shade and they let out a big sigh, like it took all of their energies just to get through the gate. They don't want to play or even sniff other doggies and I don't even know why they come in at all! But they aren't mean to anyone, so nobody hates them back. I sniffed one once whose smell-name was flour-tomato-juice. It was one day when Dad and I went to the park and no one else was there yet. So as soon as I came in I ran right over and asked him the nicest to play pee-ball with me. He just stared back and panted so deep that it made his head move up and down. Maybe he was exhausted from having to find the shady spot that was closest to the gate, or maybe his head is really heavy and that's why he never wants to do anything. Or... maybe he meant YES!! So just in case he did want to play I found a pee-ball and started to run, but he was still laying down. So I ran past him the fastest, but he didn't get up. And I ran up to him and shook the pee-ball right in his face, and then jumped backwards to get ready to run away. And -- I don't know how he did it -- he laid down even more than all the way down! How is that even possible?! So I had to go ask Dad to play pee-ball with me...

But the point is that flour-tomato-juice wasn't bad or mean or angry. He just mostly wasn't anything at all. And you can't hate something that isn't anything. Even a hater can't hate you, because not-anything is the only thing haters don't hate. (Oh and peanut butter! There's no way a hater could hate peanut butter!) And even if a hater did start hating a lazy dog, it wouldn't matter to the lazy dog. He would just lay all the way down even more, and the hater would be left hating nothing, which is nothing to hate at all, and is something that even a lazy doggie can love.

Hyper doggies

Some doggies have SO MUCH energy. Dad says that's called "hyper". And I don't know why that is, but I do know that hyper-doggies are a pain in my butt. So that must be what hyper means.

And even though they are called hyper, hyper-doggies can be super fun at first, because they love (LOVE SO MUCH THAT THEY CANNOT STOP IT!) to play SO MUCH! At Doggie Goddess, where I go when I want to have the most fun EVER, there is sharp-smell. She is a doggie that cannot stop moving! Even when she is standing still, she is shaking, so really she is moving back and forth and not standing still at all. And if she does stop moving she has to start singing her bark-song right away. So even then she is moving right into your ears. She can be the best at pee-ball, though. Because even when you get her to pee and roll in it, she will try to pick the ball back up right away and be the pee-ball doggie again already! And that is just crazy! Only sharp-smell can have enough energy left after she has been downed to do THAT!!!

I'm a doggie with a lot of energy too, but I'm not a hyper, because I don't shake when I'm supposed to be standing still... most of the time. Sometimes I shake-still when I know BigFunGuy is coming into my house to take me to Doggie Goddess. As soon as he sees me, I run under the table, or up to the all the way upstairs so that he has to chase me. And sometimes I climb up on the best bed in the house that I can be on and look back down stairs to see if he is coming up to get me! And I can't know until I see him if he's coming or not!!! AND WHO CAN STAND STILL NOW?! AND MAYBE I SHOULD SHOUT MY FUN BARK AGAIN!!???

Okay, so maybe I can be a hyper doggie to BigFunGuy sometimes, but only for just a minute...

But there was also the time I ate too much chocolate and I became a hyper doggie for a whole day! It was the BEST and the WORST at the same time. I was sick with THE BEST super powers, because everything around me slowed down and gave me their speeds!! But I was also a hyper to my Mom and Dad... especially all night long, when I kept crawling under the bed and trying to stand up. I don't know why I did it. I just kept wanting to be underneath the bed and on top of the bed at the same time. So maybe hyper-doggies have super powers all the time! And maybe it is both the best and the worst for them too. Because they are trying to be everywhere at the same time, but they can't be. And so they must be hyper to themselves too!

And the problem is that they cannot stop moving even when they should be the most tired. And that means that they are still moving when YOU are all the way tired. And you do not want a shaking, singing doggie running all over you when you are all the way tired. So when they run over you, you nip at them. And when you nip at them they have so much energy they nip you back right in your butt. And that is why they are called hyper!

Haters

Some doggies are haters.

You know them when you're walking down the street and they jump and growl at you at the end of the rope that is supposed to keep their people from getting lost... But now it is keeping them from killing you instead. You also know them when you're walking by their house and they angry-bark at you from the door or window right when you get up to it. And you know them, if you stay in front of their window too long because you just had to pee SO MUCH and you're sorry but no it just can't wait until the next yard, and they start biting, and shaking, and chewing anything they can get their teeth on.

They hate everyone who is not inside their pack. And their pack might be as small as just them, because they are hating so much (SO MUCH)!!! They might hate you because you are bigger than them, or you are too close to them, or you don't smell like them. Or they could hate you because they used to have a reason to hate someone, but they forgot what that was, so now they just hate you and everyone else and they don't even know why.

Sometimes they don't just hate people or other doggies or other animals. They can hate anything... like plants, or cars, or chairs, or sounds, or anything! Well, probably not peanut butter. I never heard of any doggie hating peanut butter. But you better just leave it in the middle of the floor when they're not around, because they will probably hate you for holding their peanut butter and hate the scoop thing you used to get the peanut butter out because it has the peanut butter that they want. So don't try to give peanut butter to a hater. If you need to give them peanut butter, just leave it out for them and go away fast... And as long as you have it out you can bring the rest to me!

Mostly I think haters hate because they are scared. They are scared, because you are a stranger and they think you are a threat to them or their pack. So we shouldn't call them haters. We should call them scaredy-dogs. I bet they would hate that.

When I'm sleeping

I can hear you when I'm sleeping. You say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, oh look at Nima, blah, blah, blah." And I hear it and I wake up. Because maybe for a second you were going to give me food. But then you didn't. Instead you just keep looking at me, and then when I look back, you look away... Or not, because sometimes you keep looking and I keep looking back wondering why you're looking at me if you're not going to give me food right now. But the point is, I can hear you.

And I hear you when I'm upstairs in the best bed in my house that I can be in and I'm snoring asleep. And you're watching your flat noisy box and it is really loud. And for some reason you say, "Blah, blah, sign up Nima, blah, blah, blah." And I wake up, because I heard you. And I heard you say my name, and maybe you were going to pick up a tennis ball and play with me. But you didn't, so I went back to snoring asleep.

And when I'm laying on the floor and you see my eyes are closed asleep, and you stop whatever-it-is that you're doing for just a second to look at me, I hear you not doing whatever-it-is and I open my eyes and look back. Because I can hear you not making any sounds and not saying my name.

And I hear you when you're coming home and walking up the stairs. And I was at Doggie Goddess all day again having the BEST TIME EVER!!! And so now I'm THE SLEEPIEST I HAVE EVER, EVER BEEN, but I still hear your step-thumps because they sound different than everyone else's step-thumps. And I wake up, because you're going to come into my house and then I'm going to get to lick you hello and then go up to the upstairs and fall back asleep until you feed me and all of that is the best (BEST!!) ever!!!

And when I'm sleeping I am talking to you. And I'm telling you to please feed me, and to play tennis ball with me, and that I don't care whatever-it-is you were doing, I'm just so happy you came home and stopped being lost in the outside today. And I know you can hear me.

Why I love blogging

I love (LOVE!!) blogging the MOST!! And who would have thought a doggie would?

You might even be wondering where I got the idea to do a doggie blog. I mean, you already know that Mom and Dad said I should do it. But they say I should do a lot of things that I don't do. And this wasn't one of those things where they say it like you have to do it... Like when I have to sit before they let someone into my house (but figured out that I don't have to stay sitting, because once they open the door, they're not going to close it back just because I got up). This was more like a you should do it if you want to... like you should catch this ball I'm about to bounce in front of you. Those are always the best "you should"-s because they really are "you are going to love (LOVE!) doing this"-es.

It happened on a day when me and Mom and Dad were in the Upstairs and Mom and Dad were spending a lot of time on the balcony rubbing their hard who-would-ever-want-to-sit-on-those chairs with things that make the chairs shed and then with brushes that make them stink the best (it was SO stinky it made you get dizzy - I LOVED IT!). And they wouldn't let me on the balcony with them but I could still get dizzy from where I was on the best bed I can be on in my house. And after all that I heard Dad say, "red dog blog" because Mom is always saying that I'm red... Even though I don't know what red is. Also, back then, I didn't know what a blog was. But hearing Dad say "red-dog-blog" made me feel even dizzier. So when he said I should do it, I threw up in my mouth a little bit (which I LOVE the MOST!), and that's when I knew it was a great idea... even though I still didn't know what it was. And it must have made Mom throw up in her mouth a little bit, too, because I heard her say that we should do it too.

And then later Dad said we couldn't call it red dog blog, because there were already SO MANY red-dog-blogs... Yeah, actually I think he said, "Holy crap! There are SO MANY red-dog-blogs!" But then he said we could call it Nima-Dog-Blog. And that didn't make me so dizzy or throw up in my mouth, but he said it would be the only one. And since I am the only me, that just made the most sense!

And writing my blog has been the best, because Dad and me spend more time together now. We go on long fast walks again, which is the BEST,... except when he won't stop for the smelly thing I just found. And he takes more pictures of me, which I LOVE!... sometimes, but other times I don't want to have my picture taken. I just want to be left alone with my dead leaves. And now he knows more about what a doggie thinks... Maybe. Sometimes I think he just taps on his tapbox and doesn't really read what I'm saying to him. But whatever we are doing, he is with me all the way more the most. And that is THE BEST BEST of all, and it is why I love blogging.

Doggie tricks

I've been working really hard to put together the best (THE BEST!!) blog a doggie ever put together. I mean Dad's been helpful, but mostly it's me. I have to think up ALL the words and all Dad does is tap them into his tapbox. Sometimes he and Mom take pictures of me and some of them can go in my blog too. But sometimes I think they're playing tricks on me, because they know something I haven't told you yet. They know I can't read. So I need you to tell me when they're playing tricks on me - like the time when they took these pictures of me with this sign.

Do you know what this says? Mom and Dad won't tell me.

Seriously. What does this say??

This is the WORST! I can't read, so I don't know what this says!!

Are you staring at me now because you know I can't read?

I don't see you staring at me. I. Don't. See. You.

Okay fine! I see you. Just tell me what it says! Are they pulling a trick on me?

Time Upstairs

Upstairs!

That is my favorite word, because when Mom or Dad say it that is where we go, and Upstairs is THE BEST place in my house! It is where my best bed I can be in lives and it is where my upstairs balcony is and so it is also the best way to get to the other side of my house, where I can visit Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen. I wish we would all live up there more the most! And even after those men finished changing my balcony without really changing it, it is where I love to sit in the sun the most! It has places for Moms and Dads to sit, and lots of room for a doggie to lay down. And best of all, I can see my whole neighborhood the best from up there!

And I don't wait for peanut butter to tell me I should go up there. I go up there all the time whenever I can! I like to sleep on the bed, and on the floor, and on the balcony, and on the balcony on the other side of my house! Basically, it is where I like to sleep the most. But it is still better when Mom or Dad say Upstairs, because then they are coming with me too. And even though they waste so much of their upstairs time tapping on their tap boxes instead of sleeping, I still like having them up there too. Because then my pack is together the most.

If I could I would live up there ALL OF THE TIME! I would come down only when I had to eat, or pee, or poop, or take Mom or Dad on our walk. I would also come down when it was time to go to the park or to Doggie Goddess, because those places are still so much the most fun! Oh and I would come down if we were going to go to the beach that I can be on that is near Santa Monica, or to go on a fast walk with Mom or Dad, or to the place with all of the doggie foods and toys, because I love (LOVE) all of those places too. And I would come down to get water. I forgot about water. So I would live upstairs ALL OF THE TIME if I could, except for all of those other times.

Day off

There's a man on my balcony. He's here to change it.

For a bunch of days now, people have been coming to my house and changing it. They throw wood and metal things onto my house and make loud banging sounds that I hate (HATE!!!) so much! So far they are putting new parts on it and then putting colors on them to make them look more like the balcony that was already here. There was nothing wrong with my balcony before. And so far it looks like there will be almost nothing different about it when they leave. It will just be different in some way that makes them feel better because they changed it.

I told you before how doggies and people are different because doggies live with what we find and people change what they live with. And it seems like that is one thing that will never change. Because here are people who don't even live here changing my house without really changing it. And instead being at my house changing mostly nothing, they could be somewhere else changing things that people or doggies really need - like things that help everyone play more, or spend more time with their packs, or go back to sleep. And my point is that if you are the man changing my house, then you should just take a day off and stop all those loud banging sounds!

Advice Doggie

Because I'm a doggie, people talk about a lot of things around me. I hear people giving bad advice, or making an observation about life that sounds good, but is really just wrong or stupid. Since you read my blog, I love you the MOST! So I'm going to make sure you get some good advice for once.

• Why put off to tomorrow, what you can do today? This is an annoying question people ask because they don't want to do something, but they think they have to do it anyway. Or worse, someone who is next to you asks you this question when you're trying hard to come up with a reason NOT to do something that you don't want to do. The truth is you should just do it or don't do it. It doesn't matter. It's all the talking and thinking about it that is the worst! You should just cut that out right now!
• You should take life one day at a time. This one is true, but it is just a dumb thing to say, because you don't have a choice. When was the last time you lived two days at the same time? It can't be done. So my advice is to never say this to anyone because you just sound like an idiot.
• Live each day as if it were your last. This one sounds kind of like the last one but it is worse, because it is both wrong and really bad advice. If this were your last day, would you go to sleep at night? Probably not. Would you work so that you would have food tomorrow? No way. If you ran into someone who pisses you off, would you bite them? Yes, you would. You would bite them really, really hard. Then the next day would come and you would be sleepy, and hungry, and locked up for biting someone. What you should do is live each day and try not to bite anyone if you can help it.
• The best things in life are free. Wrong. Everything costs you something. Sunshine is free and it is great. But if you get too much of it you can get cancer or if you're a plant you can dry up and die. So you end up paying for all of that sunshine in the end. Playing all day with your friends is the best and can be free too. Except that you could also be out working to get food or to find a safe place to sleep, so if you play too much you pay the price for that too. So I say the best things in life are the ones you earn. That way you already paid for them and then you can just enjoy them.
• Barking dogs seldom bite. This is GREAT advice, if you want to get bit by a doggie. For everyone else it is Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. No means no even if it is said by an doggie... Especially if it is said by an doggie!! If you messed with a doggie who was barking at you, you are an idiot and she is probably barking at you because you told her to live life one day at a time. And if a doggie is barking at you, it is because she is now living like it could be the last day of her life. Do not piss off a barking dog.

Secret Party

I went to a secret party!

Yesterday I went to Doggie Goddess and it was AMAZING! I don't know how they pack in so much fun EVERY SINGLE TIME I go there... But they do! In the morning, BigFunGuy came to pick me up. I saw his doggie-filled car from my downstairs balcony and I was happy right away! SOOOO HAPPY!!! And I ran to the front wall-way of my house and barked at him, so that he wouldn't get lost and forget where to find me. He always found me before, but he is a person, so you can never be too careful! And then he came in and I ran under the table because I wanted to play with him already! HE IS SOOOO FUN!!! But I forgot that Mom was there and she likes to play too. She grabbed me right away, so she won. And she gave me to BigFunGuy and we went to Doggie Goddess. And I already told you about how I have the most fun there, so I won't tell you again now, except to say that IT IS ALWAYS SO MUCH FUN!!!

And I always come home SO TIRED! I was home before Mom and Dad and BigFunGuy put me in the downstairs. And it didn't matter, because I just wanted to sleep SO MUCH! And when Mom and Dad came home I just walked past them up to the best bed in the house that I can be in to go back to sleep. I was SO SLEEPY!!

But not so sleepy that I couldn't eat dinner. And soon I heard Dad making my dinner in the dinner bowl, and then he and Mom did something wrong for them. They gave me dinner AND peanut butter (which is THE BEST -- that is NEVER wrong!) and then they gave it to me AND THEN THEY LEFT MY HOUSE! And peanut butter never told me to go "DOWNSTAIRS!" So they didn't put me in the downstairs before they left. And then I was all alone and not in the downstairs!

It was confusing and scary! I mean not so scary I couldn't finish my dinner and eat all of my peanut butter up right away. But it was scary when I was all done and I was still alone! So I ran around everywhere to look for them. First I looked in the food room. And I went all the way in the back to look in the pantry, but it was closed so I couldn't look in there. And then I went to look in the garbage, but that was pushed too far back for me to get in to. So then I ran all the way upstairs and saw that the see-through-wall-way to my upstairs balcony was open. Maybe they went out there? I went outside and over to check the other side of my house.

And that's when I saw that Uncle Zak and Uncle Corey were having a party on the other side of my house. And I wanted to be in the party, but the breath-through wall-way was closed. So I started singing my sad-bark song... and it worked!! Uncle Zak came and let me in! And I ran right in and I jumped up on the bed so that I could be on it before Uncle Zak tells me I can't be on it anymore. Which he did right away, so it was good I jumped up on it first. And then I went downstairs to play with Uncle Zak and Uncle Corey the most! And I sniffed the whole house because it's been a while since I was on this side of my house. And I found the funnest ball of something that is soft like socks but doesn't look like it would go on any person's feet I've ever seen. And I brought it out so we could all play with it, but Uncle Zak didn't want to play with it, so I let him take it away.

And that is when I heard Mom and Dad coming back to the side of the house that they are usually on, so I ran right back over to tell them they should come to my party! And when they came in I crouched down and stuck my butt in the air so they would know that it is time to play RIGHT NOW!!! And Dad ran around the house and then upstairs and I followed him and I barked because he was being so fun! And I crouched again by the open see-through-wall-way so he would know where to come play.

But he didn't come. He went back downstairs. And I was confused for a second, but then I realized that he didn't know about the party because it was a secret party! And then I heard Auntie Kristen come into the secret party, and I smelled she brought food with her, so I went back to the party. But don't tell Mom and Dad that, because it is a secret too! And secret parties are only fun if you are in on the secret... which now you are so I hope you liked it too.

Bite sized

I LOVE BUGS!!

They are delicious, and crunchy, and they come in bite sizes, and they move around SO MUCH to make themselves the easiest to find! And there are so many (SO MANY!!!) different yummy kinds!

(Dad says you might think this part is kind of gross, so you might want to skip down to where I say you can read again.)

I love (LOVE SO MUCH!!!) the fat flying ones that pop all juicy in your mouth! They fly up against the window and tap it over and over again to make a sound just in case you didn't see them already. And I love the wiggly ones with so many legs. THEY HAVE SO MANY OF THEM!!! I don't chew them right away because I like it when they make my tongue tickle. But the ones I love the best of all are the ones that only fly outside. They are on the things that Dad calls flowers and they make a buzz sound so that you can find them easier. I can catch them out of the air just like a tennis ball! And they can also pop all juicy like the window-tap bugs. But if you wait just a second before you chew them, they make your tongue go spicy then a little numb. It is THE BEST!!! I want to know how they do that!

I also like to eat the really skinny ones with long legs that sit on the wall outside at night. Dad says they look like giant moes-key-toes, but I don't know what moes-key-toes are so I don't know about that. What I do know is that they are quiet and hard to find, so sometimes I try to eat something I think is them, but it is just a spot on the wall and not any kind of bug at all. I feel a little silly then because it is usually when Dad is taking me out to pee and I must look so silly for trying to eat a no-thing on the wall. But it is worth it. You would think that they don't taste like anything because they are so skinny, but they actually they are the sweetest tasting bugs of all.

Another kind of night bug I like is what Dad calls a moth. They are fuzzy and flutter in your mouth before you chew them. It tickles like many-legs, but in a bigger way. They are hard for me to catch by myself, because they usually fly too high for me. But sometimes they fall down when they want me to try to eat them and that's when I snap them right up! They don't have to ask me twice!!

One kind of bug I don't eat very often is what Dad calls a spider. They can be good too -- they are more salty than sweet. But they are harder to find because they don't make any noise and also don't move very much. I almost never see them where it is easy to see a bug. Maybe there just aren't very many of them. I also don't eat what Dad calls ants. They don't taste the best and most of the ones I find are too small to be worth it. They are not even bite sized for me. Maybe they are sized for tiny dogs to eat.

Bugs are the best because they are free treats that they do everything you want a treat to do. Sometimes they can even fly right into your mouth!

(Okay, if you're skipping my gross part, you can read the rest of here.)

And that is why I love bugs!! I just wish there were more in my house.

Slam Jam

At the park, doggies like to play rough (ruff!). We snarl and nip and mount each other, but mostly we make fun of each other and our owners (and sometimes cats, and always those fluffy-tailed douchebags). And I just figured out that you guys don't know any of our slams. Here are some of my favorites... You're welcome!

• Bark if you can't wait for your people to come home. Meow if you can't wait for that can opener noise.
• Is that your bark or did you just eat a squeak toy?
• You're so lazy, when your person throws a tennis ball you sit down and tell him you were done with it anyway.
• You're so tiny, when you barked at a fluffy-tailed douchebag, he just stood there and said, "Who taught this douchebag to bark?"
• You're so fat, when you run uphill, the hill runs back down.
• You're so skinny, last time I chased a fluffy-tailed douchebag, he ran up you instead of a tree. *mounts skinny dog, flips tail like a fluffy-tailed douchebag*
• You're so old, every day your person goes out and gets just one sample bag of dog food.
• You're so stupid, your human said sit... and you did.
• Your person is so slow, when you two go for a walk you just circle him.
• Your person is so stupid, when you wag your tail he waves back.
• Your tail is so stubby, you look like you're walking backwards.
• Is that your tail or are you not done pooping yet?
• No, no, keep wagging your tail -- It's the only way I can tell that I'm not looking at your face.
• Is that your smell-name or are you carrying a people-baby?
• Hey doggie, I got your smell-name right here! *lifts hind leg*
• Bark if you love peanut butter and kissing people's faces! Meow if you only love yourself.