Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Nothing at all

You know what makes me happy? Nothing.

Nothing can make me the happiest there is... Like sunlight! Sunlight isn't any thing. But you can watch it come into your house and move around. And you can sit in it and get warm. And sometimes it can play hide from you - and then you can look for it and then find it... and that is THE BEST!

And like the smell from the garbage! Garbage is a thing, but the smell isn't. And what it isn't is THE BEST! Because it can be so complex, subtle, and strong at the same time! The smells are like the garbage talking to you and saying the smartest things you ever heard. And the last thing they always say is, "Now come and get me out of here!" So you have to do that, too.

And people coming into my house is the BEST best no thing of all! People are also things, but what they do isn't. And when they come to my house I get the most excited, because I always love (LOVE!!) people so much!!! It is because people always love me the MOST! And they pet me and talk to me in words I don't understand, and then we can have a party, and I think maybe they will give me food... And I know that food is a thing, but I love it anyway.

So if you're not doing anything right now, you can come over and play with me... And don't forget, that you can always bring me food, because I LOVE it and you the MOST! And also love isn't a thing, but it IS the no-thing that makes me the happiest of all.

Monday, December 30, 2013

You done with that?

I am ALWAYS hungry.

There is no time in the day when I do not want more food. So when you ask me, "Do you want your breakfast now?" The answer is YES! And when you ask me, "Do you want your dinner now?" The answer is YES!! And if you are eating food and you ask me, "Oh Nima, what brings you down here? Do you want some of my food?" The answer is also and always YES!!!

It doesn't matter if you just fed me. It wasn't enough. You didn't put anywhere near enough food in my bowl. That's why I came right back to you after I finished it. I'm not licking your leg to say thanks. I am still hungry -- don't give me your, "You're welcomes." I can't eat them. I want more food. What have you got there? Can I have it?

You say you gave me enough food because I am the right weight for me. But you are wrong. The right weight for me HAS to be way more than this. And why do you get to decide my right weight?! I don't even know what weight is, so why should I have to have a right one? Is your weight more than mine? You are getting more food than me. Maybe I should have your weight and you should try having mine. Then we'll see who is hungry all the time.

This is not a game. If you put your plate on that low table and walk away, you will find out that I am still hungry and you should have fed me more when I licked your leg. If you look away for just one second, I will eat your food. I will take that chip, dripping with salsa right out of your hand. If you fall on the ground grabbing your arm and your chest and scream out loud, I would jump back, because that would be scary. Then I would walk over and eat ALL of your food. And then I would lick your face, because you left a little something right there.

You're welcome.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Santa's puzzle

What does this look like to you?

It looks like a toy to me. It was a gift for me, and I already knew it was going to be a toy before it even came out of its bag. But it is not a right toy... somehow.

Because, when I got it I did just what you're supposed to do with a new toy... I grabbed it the hardest in my mouth and waited for the squeak to go into my ears and tell me to bite it apart! But it didn't say anything to me. Nothing went in my ears at all! It was different already. So then I was going to try to bite it again because maybe I did it wrong... Maybe I wasn't paying attention to it the right way when I did it at first. And I opened my mouth to bite down on it again... and it cried.

It cried SO sad that it made my heart love it and it made me want to take care of it! What kind of toy is THAT??!! It had to be a mistake!! I jumped up and I stepped on it!! And it still didn't squeak the right way... It didn't make any sound at all... until I took my paw off of it and then it cried again - just like a real cry. It even made me cry! My heart hurts the MOST with love! For a toy?! That I love the MOST now.

And now I want to keep it clean and safe and make sure that it is okay and not hungry or cold or lonely or scared or being eaten by any other animals that will try to come into my house and eat it. Because I love (LOVE!) it the MOST inside my heart.

I just don't know why.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


So this Santa guy comes and just gives us stuff we want? Stuff we really, actually want? For free. Wait... what's the catch! There has to be a catch!!

No catch? Except that I need to be asleep... And he knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake. Okay, that's a little creepy. But if it's stuff I REALLY want maybe it's worth it.

Okay, I'm sleeping!

Come on, already! My head is down, my eyes are closed. I know you're looking... Seriously, where the fuck is my stuff.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Looking down

I can tell you're looking down on me, but you really shouldn't... unless you're really just looking down at me because I'm shorter than you. You kind of have to look down at me because of that.

But if you're looking down on me because I eat food off the street, then don't. I find lots of great fresh foods on my walks all the time! As soon as I step out of the house I start sniffing and I find food under my feet right away the fastest! And I keep finding more food the more I walk!! You spend hours in the food-room then come out with just one meal. Really... One meal?!

And if you're looking down on me because I'm stinky, then don't. Because, I'm not stinky. I just smell strongly -- And more than that, I smell proudly! I rolled in the BEST wet-park-dirt three different times this month, so I've had the best smell-name I've had in a long, long time!! In the meantime, you covered yourself in weak-soap-and-flower-smells every day! Seriously?! Soap AND flowers??!!

And if you're looking down on me because I'm licking your big, flat paws, then don't. Your paws are the ones that need a serious cleaning. You keep them in those socks and shoes ALL DAY LONG! What did you think was going to happen? Sniff these paws of yours!! I mean, if I had paws that smelled like yours I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

So you really shouldn't look down on me. Unless you're really just looking down at me while I lick your paws. You kind of have to look down at me then.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Think about it

I know, I can't sleep either. And I just keep thinking about it.

I keep thinking I must have forgotten something, but I can't figure out what it is.

I set up the baby-room nest just the way I wanted to... Except for all the giant leaves I need to bring in and chew up. But those should be fresh, so I can't start that yet.

And I'm making sure to wake Mom and Dad up in the middle of the night every few nights, so that they'll be ready when the baby gets here. Dad's getting really good at jumping WAY high out of bed as soon as I start howling the loudest! But tonight is not the night for doing that.

And I even tested Mom and Dad the hardest last night by making like I was sick THE MOST! Mom is getting to be the BEST at waking up when I start to make my sick sounds. And Dad took me right outside to watch me eat grass and walk around the neighborhood until I couldn't make it look like I was sick anymore. So I did that already.

Eat, drink, pee, poop, sleep, drink some more, pee again, poop again, eat again, sleep some more, howl into the closet for no reason that Mom and Dad can figure out, then go back to sleep... All done, already!! Except that I'm not going back to sleep... I'm messing it up for no reason at all! And instead of going back to sleep, I just keep thinking about it.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

That's messed up

The beach is one of the best, easiest, places anywhere. You don't have to do anything when you go to the beach. Or you can do anything you want! You can go on long, slow walks, dig the deepest anyone has ever dug, and pee ANYWHERE you want to pee.

So why does Dad keep messing it up?

We always go to the beach for our walks-that-turn-into-fast-walks. And it starts off great! We walk down all the hills to get there. We stop and pee whenever I need to leave a note for other doggies, and I get to sniff their notes, too. And the BEST is this time of year, because there are so many fruity treats just laying on the ground. Dad pretends that he doesn't want me to eat them, but he always waits until I have them in my mouth before he starts to angry-bark. And that's just how a walk should be! But the problem starts when we get down to the beach. That's when it all gets messed up.

First, Dad starts fast-walking, which is fine. It would be great if he weren't so slow, but he's just a people, so he can't help it. But then he fast-walks past all of the best stuff, and that is NOT right! He pulls me past the doggies who have to sit next to the people who don't even move. He pulls me past the snacks someone left out -- because now we're walking just a bit too fast for me to pick them up. He pulls me past the places other doggies left pee-notes for me to sniff (How are we even going to find our way back now?!!). And he even pulls me past that thing that looks just like a doggie, but makes loud whistle sounds instead of barking. WHAT IS THAT!!?? Come on! How are you fast-walking away from THAT?! Did you not hear that thing??! It said, "WHEEEE, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" It was SO awful, THE BEST!

I mean, we only stop to for me to get water and leave pee-notes like three or four times on the way out, and then again on the way back! And we don't dig in the sand even once!! I keep leaving pee-notes asking other doggies how to deal with a people who keeps messing up the beach. But I never get to sniff any answers, because we just fast-walk past them all!

Dad, I don't know if I'm the first one to tell you this, but you kind of suck at the beach. Now, why don't you try your hand at scratching my butt.

Friday, December 20, 2013

That hand

You should scratch my butt.

You can start in the middle, just above my tail, then you can go back and forth on both sides of my tail. Because it feels SO GOOD when someone scratches it! Oh, and if I try to bite your hand while you're doing it, just ignore me, okay? You just keep scratching away!

When you scratch my butt - when anyone scratches my butt - it makes me feel the best! First, the buzzy-tingle starts at my butt. Then it moves up my back and my sides, and then it goes right into my head! And sometimes it is TOO much -- in the BEST way!! And then I have to turn around and to bite your hand because I love (LOVE!!) your hand SO MUCH! I mean, I'm not really going to BITE bite your hand. I just want to chew on it a little... More of a gnaw really... Just enough to keep the buzzy-tingle that slid up my body while you were scratching my butt from making my teeth tingle too much.

And it puts me in a dizzy-daze THE BEST too. That buzzy-tingle moves right behind both ears and then it jumps back and forth between them. It's on my left. No, its on my right! NO! IT IS ON MY LEFT... NOW RIGHT!!! NOW... OH DAMN I GOTTA BITE THAT HAND!!!! I kind of want to eat it all up, right now!!!

What's going on? What did you stop for? You were just starting to get it right the way I like it! Come back!

You should scratch my butt!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dazed and

Sometimes I don't really know what is going on.

I know! It sounds crazy, right? I'm a grown up doggie now. I get stuff. I know what I need to know and how things work the MOST! Like, I know the sound my Mom or Dad make when they get up to get me food. Not just the sound they make when they get up. And not just the sound they make when they get up to get themselves food. I know the sound that means that they are going to get ME food. And in the same way, I know when they are going to go outside to my park, or upstairs, or when there is going to be a party on the other side of my house.

And I figured most of it out on my own, so I REALLY know it when I know something. But what I mean is that sometimes EVERYTHING outside of me just seems unknown and new all at the same time. And even though it all smells and sounds and looks just like it always does, I can't be quite sure what any of it means.

And it happened just last night. Because yesterday I went to Doggie Goddess and had another MOST. FUN. DAY. EVER! And that means I didn't sleep at all -- all day long! And sometimes when that happens, I get REALLY tired. You could say dog-tired, but since I'm a doggie that really doesn't mean anything -- anytime I'm tired, I'm dog-tired. But the truth is when I'm back from Doggie Goddess, I AM one seriously tired bitch.

And when I'm THAT tired, I get some things wrong. And I say and do some things that aren't right. Like last night when I sang a sad song about how I had to go outside right away because I was going to sick-poop. And like when I laid down at the front wall-way because I was going to sick-poop right there if no one let me out right away. And like when Dad opened the front wall-way and I jumped up to run outside to sick-poop, but realized as soon as I stepped out that I wasn't poop-sick at all.

And how in that same moment I realized that there was a party on the other side of my house that I had to go to THE MOST! And so I ran to the quiet pee-place to pee the fastest I could and then I ran back up and stood right at the front wall-way to the other side of my house. And I was so sure (SO SURE!) that even Dad thought there was a party there. So he pushed the thing that makes Auntie Kristen or Uncle Zak open the wall-way. And when Auntie Kristen opened it, I ran it to start the party!!!

And there was no one there! There was no party at all. There was just me standing in the middle of the room wondering what was going on. And even now I'm wondering what does any of it mean. What is real if everything you know suddenly doesn't mean anything it used to? I mean, does that sound crazy or what?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

My park

I LOVE my park! It is THE BEST!!! I mean, it is not the best park E-V-E-R. But it is the best park that I can go to ALL the time, when my Mom or Dad go there with me.

My park has all the different kinds of doggies in it... Except the hater doggies. Those doggies don't usually go to the park. And if they do, they don't usually come back again. I guess they don't like it there. But lazy doggies, and hyper doggies, and lovie doggies all go to the park and we all have THE. MOST. FUN. EVER.

But what really makes the park is the best, is that we all get to bring our people there too. Well, most people just stand at the top of the hill and are still like trees. I think that's weird because... well... because that is just weird! Why would you go all the way to the park -- to the place where you can run, and jump, and bite, and pee, and dig, and chase, and poop, and bark, and roll in all of those things (except biting and barking - you can't roll in those things) -- and why would you go to THAT place, and then just stand still?

But some peoples, like my Mom and Dad, aren't like that. They like to run really slowly, like people do -- walking really. And they like to pick up the tennis balls and throw them. And THAT is THE BEST, because I can chase them and catch them right out of the air, until I can't hardly breathe anymore. And then I can take the ball away from them and just lay down with it... until they come too close. Then I can get up and walk away with the ball and lay down again. And if they don't want to play that game, I can play it with someone else at the park. Because it really doesn't matter whose ball you take at the park, they will follow you to try to get it back. And it's that kind of everyone-is-in-this-together feeling that I love the MOST about my park. You should come visit me there! We can play ball.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Visiting doggie

Visiting doggie, don't be scared. I just came over to say hi to you, and to play with you. You can come downstairs now! And when I come upstairs, you don't have to growl at me. I'm SUPER friendly! I love to play the MOST! Actually, I love to eat the most. Do you mind if I eat the food in this bowl that you didn't want? If you do, you can just come down and tell me.

Visiting doggie, don't be worried. I know your Mom and Dad aren't here right now, but mine are. And Uncle Zak and Auntie Kristen are here too. And they are all SUPER friendly, too! No one is going to be mean to you... Oh, are you not going to eat that cookie that Dad brought over for you? I can help you with that!

Visiting doggie, you came downstairs! Are you ready to play THE MOST EVER??? I know I... hey, visiting doggie! Where are you going? That's a people-pee-room! There's not really anything fun or yummy in there... um, how long are you going to stay in there?

Visiting doggie, you are too scared of everything. I want to show you how to have fun and share with you all of the things I know about my side of the house that Auntie Kristen and Uncle Zak stay on. Like how to know when it is best to sneak into the food-room, and how to get Uncle Zak to sing just like a doggie, and how you can open this garbage can just by sniffing the lid right here! But maybe you're going to be scared of that too.

Visiting doggie, you have a big problem! You are so scared of everything that you never do anything. So you're never going to find out that you don't really have to worry about anything... except maybe that someone might come over and eat all of your food. That is a thing you might want to be worried about.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The secret is out!

One of the best things about doggies is that we love (LOVE) to share all the best things we know with each other. We don't do secrets the way people do. We might know a thing that no other doggie knows, but that's only because we don't have doggie words to tell each other all about it - or because the thing we know is where we hid the food we couldn't finish eating... THAT is a thing we try out best not to tell each other about. But for anything else, once we figure it out, we try our best to tell each other all about it.

And yesterday I found out about a new thing that is the BEST new thing I ever knew! It is SO great because not only is it a sick new super power, but it is one that helps you tell other people and doggies new things even better!! People call it: Avocado.

Dad gave me some avocado yesterday for me to try. I ate the first part of it right away and I could tell already that this is a thing that is going to make me sick the BEST! But it seemed strange that Dad would be the one giving it to me, because he usually tries to stop me from finding the things that can make me sick with super powers. It seemed so strange that -- and I couldn't help it -- I stopped eating and looked right at him with my, "Are you sure about this? Really, really sure?" look. And he looked back and smiled with his, "I don't really know anything about this. Is it weird that you're not eating and are staring at me with that look on your face?" look. So I ate the rest of it. Then Mom looked up from her tap-box and said, "Blah, blah, blah" to Dad. And Dad say, "Oh, whoops."

And everything was normal for a long time. I didn't feel any super powers or sick in any other way. But later, after the outside lights went down, my insides started to feel like more. And I still had all of my energy, which was great! Things that make you sick with super powers AND let you keep all of your energies are the BEST of the BEST!!

And then my super powers got even stronger! They weren't just more of the inside-feelings -- They were starting to feel more like my insides moving out. Only when they came out it wasn't my insides, but just their smells that came out... They came out the LOUDEST! Even people could smell them all! So everyone know I ate something that could make sharing my secrets SO EASY! And if there were any doggies ANYWHERE close enough to smell me, they would know right away that things that people call Avocados are super-great for helping you share things you want everyone else to know about!

Friday, December 6, 2013

The best people

I love (LOVE!) people the most! Because people can be the BEST and they always have food. And the best (BEST!!!) people of all can be people I don't even know! Because they can come right to my front wall-way, knock on it, and just give food to us!!! That is AMAZING!!! And that is something a doggie would NEVER, EVER do.

And I don't ever know why it happens, but it happened again just last night!

I was alone... All. Day. Long. And it was starting to be a pain in my legs because they don't move for the longest time and then they just get more and more energy in them. And then I just want to run and jump and dig and play THE MOST!! But I'm just in a Downstairs with all the doors closed and no fun chewy-tasty things left on the high place anymore.

And then FINALLY Mom and Dad came back to my house. So I took Dad out for a walk, right away. And I pulled him the hardest because when you have as much energy in your legs as I did, you can never be going fast enough! But I still made all the stops you're supposed to make to sniff all the doggie updates, and to leave a few myself. You always have to show your people the right way. Because you should never give up on them even though they can seem hopeless and like they will NEVER learn the right way to walk around.

And getting back home is always the best even though we have never walked far enough to use up the energy in my legs. But the reason it is the best is that after our walk is dinner time! And that is when Mom or Dad go into the food-room and make the chopping, scraping, and stirring sounds that come before dinner (but really, it is almost always just Mom, because Dad is not good for much at all) and then the best smells I smell all day come out of the food-room. And I lay on the floor just outside of the room so that they won't angry-people-bark at me. And then I watch them eat dinner until they are done. And then they put their eating-circles away, and THEN it is time for my dinner!!!

Except last night that didn't happen. Last night when we got back from our walk, nobody went into the food room. Mom and Dad just got on their tap-boxes, and made "blah, blah, blah" sounds at each other. And I was getting worried because I couldn't hear food-room sounds or smell the best smells coming from anywhere, and so maybe there wasn't going to be dinner today!!? Maybe Mom and Dad ran out of food!!!! Maybe we aren't going to get any more food ever again, EVER!!!!

And that's when I heard someone I don't even know stomping up the outside stairs. And they knocked on our wall-way and then just gave Mom food! It was AMAZING!! And even though there were no chopping, scraping, and stirring sounds, there were still eating-circles and everything smelled the BEST again! And then after the eating-circles went away, my dinner came out. And it is all because people I don't even know came right up to my front wall-way and just gave us food. I mean, I never, ever would have thought to do that for anyone.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


Can you hear me snoring? Because I can hear you listening to me snoring. I can tell when you are listening to me by the gaps in between your noises. You stop moving. You're not even turning your head. Then you slow breathe. And you don't blah, blah, blah, like you usually do all the time. That's when I know you are listening to me snore. Well that, and then you said, "Nima is snoring."

And yes, I was asleep when you picked up your eating circles after you finished dinner. I heard you eating. And then I heard you stop eating. And then you got up and I was right behind you, because I heard it was dinner time.

And yes, I was asleep upstairs after the longest day EVER. And you were downstairs and you put on your warm clothes without making any sound at all. And then you put on your shoes so quiet that no one could hear you. And then you picked those things you call keys without making any noise - not even one jingle! Yep. I heard you not making any sound at all... So I'm right here now, because I knew that meant it was time to go outside.

Doggies listen all the time, even when we sleep. Then we do stuff only when we hear it is time to do it -- so mostly we sleep. But people are the opposite. People do stuff without listening, so they never know when it is the right time to do it. That makes people have to do stuff all the time... so they complain about not getting enough sleep.

At least that's what I always hear people doing.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Catching back up

It is always the days that move the fastest that leave you moving the slowest.

Mom and Dad just got home... I knew they were here even before they even got here. Before they opened the front wall-way, I heard them talking in the hallway. Before that, I heard them stomping up the back stairs. Before that, I heard them slamming my car's enter-ways. And before THAT, I heard my garage gate open and close for them. But I still couldn't make it up all the stairs to meet them before they got inside... It is because there is something heavy sitting on my paws, my legs, my head, and even my tail.

Everything got heavy before I even got back home -- even before BigFunGuy put me back in my house... or in his car that took me home and that was filled with me and other heavy doggies. In the car, all the doggies could hardly move, but all of us could fall asleep wherever we put our heads down. Cinnamon-new-rug-smell was sleeping in the front seat with her head on Taco-saltine-smell's butt. Taco-saltine-smell was sleeping in the same seat with his head on the middle-stick-thing that is in between the two front seats. I was in the back sleeping with my head pressed against the window, while Coffee-macaroni-smell, Kitty-litter-flour-smell, Cheese-lung-smell, and Too-itchy all slept butt to face in line with me. We got this way after spending all day long playing non-stop at the happiest doggie place on Earth that is called Doggie Goddess. It was SOOO worth it!

When it was time to go home from Doggie Goddess, I wanted BigFunGuy to carry me into his car, because I was so heavy at the end of my play-day. But he just told me and the others to come and to get in the car, and I came and I slow climbed into the car because my head was too heavy to shake "No" and because I don't know how to jump into cars.

But I do know how to jump! At Doggie Goddess, today I jumped onto everything the MOST!!! I jumped up onto the upstairs couches and beds that are in the sunlight. And I jumped onto the outside big-toys that are in the backyard. And I jumped on Fish-sock-smell every time he grabbed the pee-ball!! And in between I ran the fastest I ever ran and I played tug-the-blanket with Too-itchy the MOST! And it was the most fun I ever had EVER, but it was over way too soon! Because I had just got there and then everything moved so fast. And then the day was over just like that!!

So now I'm moving the slowest, because I went too fast and that got me too far ahead of the day... And whenever you do that you become extra heavy until the day can catch back up.

Monday, December 2, 2013

What's your thing?

There is one thing that doggies can't agree on. And it is something that every doggie has an opinion on. To me it is ridiculous that it is even a question. But if you ask another doggie, she will be just as certain as I am when she tells you the wrong answer. And the question is which is better: Beds or Blankets? And you can have whatever opinion you want, because lots of doggies and even people disagree -- But the answer is blankets.

Beds are gross. Beds are stuffed with smells that do not come from this Earth. Then they are sealed tight so that those smells only come out one tiny whiff at a time -- just enough to let you know that you are laying on something that is not right for you or anyone else that cares about being well, living right, and loving puppies!! When I get a new bed, I have to bite it to pieces as soon as my people aren't looking. This isn't a game! I'm not thinking my new bed is a squeaky toy. This new bed you brought home... this fluffy puff of sickness you made me lay on... is making everything spin inside-out inside of me.

Blankets are clouds pressed into cloth. They floated through the air until they got caught by flowers that smelled the BEST and then they all floated down onto the ground and got tangled up. Then someone found them there and brought them home for people (or better yet doggies!!!) to have and to sleep on. Blankets hold you when you need to rest, warm you when you are cold, and always, ALWAYS, let you breathe at your own pace. Blankets hold the world in the right place, and let you be all the way you.

But hey, you can have your own opinion... Maybe fluffy puffs of sickness are your kind of thing.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Peaceful sleep

Oh falling asleep, I missed you SO MUCH!

I love (LOVE!) being with people, digging holes, eating SO MUCH food, chasing tennis balls, and sniffing poop that other doggies and especially that douchebag-coons leave behind. But when I have a few days in a row where I get to do all of those things the most (THE MOST, EVER!!), then I don't get to spend my usual time sleeping. So when I'm done having the most fun EVER, then the thing that I love, Love, LOVE the MOST is coming back to my main home and falling asleep FOREVER! (but not really forever,... just for a really long, Long, LONG time).

And when I wake up after sleeping SO LONG, I like to howl for no reason at the hallway outside of my bedroom until Mom and Dad wake up. (That never gets old!) And that way, we can all fall asleep together again and that is THE BEST! And then after we wake up and I take Dad outside to watch me pee and poop, then I LOVE to come back inside and go back to sleep... after breakfast. I still love to eat breakfast too much to miss that! Because then I can sleep all. day. long...

Until Mom takes me out for a walk because now Dad is sleeping too. And after Mom gets to watch me pee and poop, then I can go back to sleep until dinner time. I still want dinner. Don't even THINK about letting me sleep through dinner. I'm going to need all the energy I can get to fall right back asleep until it's time to go out and pee again before bedtime. And then we can all sleep in peace...

Until it's time for me to howl for no reason again.