Socks

Socks are the BEST thing that smells like Mom or Dad, but isn't either of them.

People wear socks on their feet... I guess because people feet are so ugly. Feet are one of the only parts of a people body that people cover twice - first with socks, then with shoes (then they tie the shoes on their feet just to make sure that no one will see them at all). They also cover their butts and crotches twice, too, probably for the same reason. I guess if my feet were so big and flat, or my butt was so big and furless, or I had a crotch at all, I'd feel the same way too. So it just makes sense.

But feet and butts and crotches are actually the best, because they are the stinkiest people parts. And that just means that they have the most to say about all the important stuff - like where you've been, and what food you ate, and who got sick, and who is having sex with who else... and what more would you want to know about anybody?

And socks are the best clothes that people wear, because you can (AND SHOULD!) put other stuff inside of them and then give them to your doggie! My favorites are putting a tennis ball inside, or a crinkly plastic bottle, or an old toy I forgot about because its smell wasn't new anymore, or - best of all - another sock!!! And there can be so much Mom or Dad smell in a sock that you can almost think that Mom or Dad's feet are still inside! So when you sniff and chew it, you can pretend you're sniffing and chewing your Mom or Dad's feet... which you should never do... chewing their feet that is... because it would be wrong and you would hear really angry-loud people-barks... but if it is just a sock with something else in it, then you can still think about doing it... if you wanted to think about that sort of thing... which... I do, so... there that is.

And I tried it once with Mom's undershorts, but apparently that is NOT okay with Mom. Because it can make her use her angry-bark voice really loud, too - so loud you can hardly smell what you're chewing anymore. And then you are just left wondering why you have undershorts in your mouth... which is kind of a weird place to find yourself. And it makes you think you should have just stuck with socks, because they are the BEST!