Live and learn

I'm a pretty quiet doggie. Everyone says so. Mostly I don't talk so much because my voice just sounds SO funny to me. But all that time I'm not talking is time I'm sniffing, listening, and learning, so I know a lot! Here are some things I thought you should know about the MOST!!

• Never eat food that isn't food. Because the hole that stuff goes into is bigger than the hole that it has to come out of. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but that's the way it is. And what goes in HAS to come out somehow. So if it isn't food, you can sniff it, lick it, and chew it, but you should never (NEVER!) eat it.
• Always sniff before you step. A lot of people don't do this. Then they blame doggies like me when they step in something they shouldn't have. Maybe you should put your hand-box away and stop and smell the... um... world you're walking through.
• It’s always darkest before that guy who drops something at the top of the stairs comes by – so get your howl ready! He comes by every night, and he is too close to your house when your people are sleeping. And he always comes when it's the darkest and quietest outside, so just be ready... Because if you do it right, you can totally hear him jump the highest! And if you do a really great howl, you can get your people to jump really high, too!!!
• If your Mom and Dad say no, try, try, try again! Maybe they will not notice one time. Or they will get tired of saying no. Or they will decide you are the cutest, most adorable doggie and you should get to do whatever makes you happy. It doesn't matter why... All you need to know is that no matter what it is, you will eventually win!!
• Never chase a ___ without a plan for what to do when you catch it. This means you have to know what you're chasing. I chase those fluffy-tailed douchebags. I know just what I'm going to do when I catch one too. I'm going to put him in the right place for him! And then maybe I'm going to eat him... I don't know... I guess my plan still needs a little bit of work.
• It is okay to eat your own throw-up. This just makes sense, because all this stuff is only what you already ate -- That’s how it got to be what it is in the first place! So as long as you're not eating food that isn't food, you're TOTALLY in the clear with this!!