Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The worst best day of my life

Cars are amazing! And they are the WORST! And they are AMAZING!!!

Cars are both the worst and amazing! When you get in a car you never know how long you're going to be in there. It might be for a really short time, or it might be all day, day after day, until you think you will live there for the rest of your life! And that is THE WORST, because you feel sick the whole time, but you don't get to use your sickness for anything good. If you were sick anywhere else, you would be able to hear everything so much better -- including a fluffy-tailed douchebag holding his breath in the tree around the corner. And you would be able to smell everything - including a fluffy-tailed douchebag flipping his tail at someone around the corner for no good reason at all. And you would be able to feel everything so much more -- like the way the ground shakes just the slightest bit when a fluffy-tailed douchebag is trying to sneak up behind someone who is walking with their people around the corner...

But inside your car, you can't do any of these things. You can only hear the same car noisiness get louder and louder and LOUDER!! And you can only smell the same smells you left in the car the last time you were there, but now they are taller, because your new smells are falling right on top of them. And you can only feel every single bump and shift and turn that you didn't even know was coming -- and they keep coming, and coming, and COMING!!

But cars are THE BEST, because you always, ALWAYS, end up some place that is THE BEST even more!! You can end up at a beach so big, that no matter how far or hard you run, or how hard and deep you dig, there is more beach than you have ever seen! Or, you can end up at a park so big that it has its own river on one side and its own extra park in the back of the park!! Or best of all, on a day like today - on a day when cars have made you sick with super powers... On the BEST day of your life EVER -- you can end up in your your Grandma's backyard... trapping the biggest, strangest, and ONLY striped douchebag that you have ever (EVER!!) seen!

Dad says that it is a special kind of douchebag called a "racoon". But he seems more like a douchebag-coon to me and he is clearly not in the right place for him... And as soon as I knew he was there I wanted to help him get to the right place for him SO BAD!! So I tried to dig myself under Grandma's back deck where I found him, right away. But Dad - who maybe didn't know there was a douchebag-coon there yet -- thought I should chase a tennis ball for him instead. So I did it just for Dad, and then I came right back. And then Dad REALLY wanted me to chase a tennis ball again. So, just for him -- not for anyone else -- I did it again. And I have to say that Dad can throw a really good tennis ball... It was REALLY fun chasing that one. So I forgot for a second what I was doing before. But then I found some poop that smelled different from any poop I've ever smelled before.... it smelled just like that douchebag-coon, and I knew again that he wasn't in the right place for him yet. So I went back and tried to dig under the deck again. And then Dad got excited and pushed me out of the way and tried to get under the deck too. And then, I don't really know what happened, but all of the sudden my Dad and me were inside my Grandma's house and the see-through wall-way to the backyard was closed.

And now I know that douchebag-coon is not in the right place for him at all. And I'm so close to being able to put him in his right place... and that is making this best day of my life of my life the worst, and it is all because of cars.

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